


'Til the hurt is gone

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alpha Iwaizumi Hajime, Alpha Ushijima Wakatoshi, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author disappears from the face of the Earth - freeform, Bonding, Break Up, Discussion of Abortion, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Go Easy On Me, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Implied Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Implied Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Implied Relationships, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Minor Semi Eita/Tendou Satori, Miscarriage, Miscommunication, Mpreg, Omega Oikawa Tooru, Omega Semi Eita, Omega Sugawara Koushi, Omega Verse, Panic Attacks, Post-Break Up, Semi Eita is so done, The Author Regrets Everything, Why Did I Write This?, so am I
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-06 04:16:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 45,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8734561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Oikawa didn't mean to hurt Iwaizumi, or hurt himself and some others in the process. But things happen, Oikawa messed up and Iwaizumi learns to forgive. [Or Oikawa gets scared and makes decisions he will surely regret later and Iwaizumi is not as fine as he seems][Or Iwaoi proves Einstein's spooky action at a distance]





	1. Change comes for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Truth was Oikawa didn’t want to attach himself to Iwaizumi… no, it was more like he didn’t want Iwaizumi to get stuck with him. They had already been together all these years and the thought that maybe one day Iwaizumi would find a better omega (maybe a smaller, cuter, more submissive omega) terrified him beyond repair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 26.08.2017: edited.

Oikawa Tooru was well aware of the fact that his heat was delayed, he was also aware of the sudden changes his body was slowly going through, the type of things that would be just noticed by the owner of the body himself, like no matter how many times his mother told him his breasts weren’t bigger than usual of course they were, how his nipples were darker and so sensitive, also how there was extra flesh in his stomach, how he was getting a lot of headaches, a few cramps even though his heat was nowhere to be seen and his stamina was less than usual. Oikawa was definitely aware of all of this but he decided (almost wished) that it was just because of this and that and that there was no way in heaven he was pregnant, so he refused once and twice and three times when Semi suggested a simple pregnancy test, but at the fourth time he just couldn’t handle the anxiety that his mind was going through so he simply nodded and now there he was, in Semi’s place, watching the dark screen of his phone that would lit with the alarm that would announce it was time to check the result. He wasn’t ready at all. 

Oikawa’s heart felt so damn heavy, and his chest was empty so he felt every heartbeat like thunder. He was trembling, his fingers were so cold and his breath was barely stable, if he hadn’t known better he’d think he was having a panic attack. 

“Hey, Oikawa,” Semi appeared next to him offering a bowl with popcorn, Oikawa could recall the noise coming from the kitchen but his mind was so far away he wasn’t expecting to see popcorn at all. He took the bowl but his stomach clenched just at the thought of eating anything right now, he did anyway, “You’re tense.”

“Don’t you say, Eita”

“The time will be up any minute now. Whatever we see there is not going to decide what’s already happening, you know.”

“Eita…” The omega took his hand, he was warm, or probably Oikawa was just too cold, or both. His mind was a mess, his heart, his everything. All he could think about was his mate. No, that was wrong. His boyfriend. Oikawa hadn’t bonded with his partner just yet, and that was probably the main reason he hadn’t told him about his suspicions. 

“You know, Oikawa,” Semi was playing with his hand, drawing random patterns on his skin, “I know what you’re going through. I’ve gone through this once, I thought I was pregnant and I told Satori immediately, we hadn’t bond back then and he was scared as hell but he supported me…” Oikawa was staring directly at hands, his eyes followed Semi’s movements, “And, we have been dating since second year of high school… Meanwhile you and Iwaizumi-san are childhood friends and-”

“Your point, Eita?” Oikawa cut him off. Semi was startled for a second, then he smiled softly.

“Tell him. Right now. Call him, Oikawa.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Am I?” Of course he wasn’t. Iwaizumi was the sweetest alpha Oikawa had ever been with, when he wasn’t hiding his soft nature with rudeness that is. Even when they were having sex and everything was hormones, weak spots, slick, sweat, tears, moans and pleads, he was actually really caring, controlling himself just about enough to make sure he wouldn’t hurt him. That was the reason Oikawa just couldn’t do this. Not to him, no.

“It’s only first year of college,” Oikawa’s voice was plain, “Iwa-chan lives two hours away from here, we see ourselves four times a week and we have to make time for projects and tests and essays and part-time jobs. The thing is…” Oikawa hesitated, took a deep breath, “If I tell him I think I’m pregnant he will drop whatever he’s doing and come right away. More than that, Lord, I can already hear him saying stuff about what we would do if the test is positive. I can bet my ass he would want to keep it; he’d drop college, come here and start to work just so we can live properly. If you think I can do that to the person I’m in love with, you’re dead wrong, Semi.”

Semi was silent for a few seconds, then he opened his mouth but the sound that came wasn’t his. Both Oikawa and Semi jumped in surprise and Oikawa felt like his soul was ripped away from his body. For nearly a minute both of them just stared at the phone while it vibrated aggressively over the table, finally Semi took it and turned off the alarm, then looked at Oikawa.

“Do you want me to go check?”

“No, I’ll go.” Said Oikawa while he pushed back his seat and stood up. He felt his legs trembling while turning to go to the bathroom where he had left the test because there was no way he was going to be okay with that thing near him. 

It was finally time to put his stuff together.

Iwaizumi and Oikawa officially started dating on his second high school year and they knew themselves since they were kids. Even though Oikawa was in love with Iwaizumi since then and he longed becoming his omega since the first day he presented as one, he had dated two alphas before him and when a third year alpha was harassing him Iwaizumi cut him off and claimed to be his alpha, they almost started a fight and Oikawa was in tears because, apparently, his feelings were reciprocated. Things were great, they were. Their relationship was smooth, things just fit in place and they only had a couple issues they quickly solved, like how Iwaizumi was so territorial and growled at almost everybody who approached him, or how Oikawa always tried his best to hide his worries and concerns being his pompous self. The last quarrel they ever had was about bonding; Iwaizumi wanted, Oikawa said that they were too young. What a load of crap. 

Truth was Oikawa didn’t want to attach himself to Iwaizumi… no, it was more like he didn’t want Iwaizumi to get stuck with him. They had already been together all these years and the thought that maybe one day Iwaizumi would find a better omega (maybe a smaller, cuter, more submissive omega) terrified him beyond repair. He didn’t want to see Iwaizumi being forced to be with him for the rest of his adult life like had happened with his parents. Truth was, Oikawa only wanted to mate with Iwaizumi, and if he ever left him, Oikawa would stay single rather than be with someone he didn’t love just because. He didn’t like to think of a day where Iwaizumi wouldn’t be his partner anymore; it made him sad and feel depressed. So when he got to the bathroom and saw the two small blue bars on the test, for a second he suddenly felt nothing. 

His anxiety, his nervousness, his worry, everything was washed away. He knew what he had to do, he knew exactly what he had to do and that made him deeply sad. 

When he turned around, Semi was leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom, holding out Oikawa’s phone with Iwaizumi’s contact on the screen. Oikawa looked at it, stretched out his free arm, pressed the call button and put the phone right next to his ear. Semi gestured at Oikawa asking for the test and he gave it to him while listening to the line. He answered after the fourth tone. 

“Trashikawa, you know I’m during a lesson, what is it, I don’t have much time.” Oikawa’s heart almost stopped.

“It’s okay, it won’t take time,” Oikawa put all his efforts to make sure his voice didn’t crack, his eyes filled with water, “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I think it’s better if we go back to being friends.” Silence.

“What the fu- Oikawa, what are you talking about? Are you okay?” Iwaizumi’s voice was deep, Oikawa could feel the worry.

“I don’t want to be Iwa-chan’s omega anymore.”

“Wha-”

“I have to leave now,” tears were slowly going down his face now, Oikawa didn’t dare to look at Semi, “that’s all I wanted to say.” There was a long silence, Oikawa was waiting for Iwaizumi to yell at him and hung up but it never happened so he added one last thing, “Have a good life, Hajime.”

“Too-” Oikawa hung up because no, he wasn’t going to listen Iwaizumi calling out to him with that voice, no, no, no. The phone rang immediately but Oikawa turned it off and put it in his jean’s pocket. He turned to see Semi’s concerned face.

“This morning was so calm,” Oikawa wiped his face, the emptiness he felt in his body weighed his lungs and it was hard to breathe, “Eita, would you call the Parenting Center?”

“First, want to talk?”

“Not right now.”

•••

Oikawa opened his eyes and found a pair of dark eyes staring at him, he was startled for a second then he recognized him. It didn’t make him feel better, though. He stood up slowly, stretching himself and yawning, he looked at his clock on the nightstand and he couldn’t believe his eyes.

“It’s three in the morning, Iwa-chan.” The alpha was kneeling next to Oikawa’s bed. Oikawa felt so sad, he wanted to hug him and kiss him and cry. He didn’t do any of that. He was quiet, and Oikawa was waiting for him to explode, to yell or hit him or at least say something. Oikawa felt like he needed to hear something, anything. “Umm… aren’t you mad, Iwa-chan?” 

Iwaizumi furrowed his brow and tilted his head, his eyes shone with curiosity, “Why should I?”

“Uh…” Oikawa was confused, “I kinda… broke up with you… over the phone. Like, hours ago.” Iwaizumi nodded.

“Yeah, not gonna happen.”

“Wha-”

“I’m not letting you go, Tooru. I love you too much; I want you to be my omega. Only you.” Oikawa didn’t realize he was crying until the water slid from his chin to his neck making him shiver, Iwaizumi stood up and started to take off his coat. “Move aside, would ya? I’m fucking tired.” Oikawa was in shock, he cleaned his face and moved to make space for Iwaizumi who slid slowly next to him, then dragged him to his chest and surrounded him with his arms. Iwaizumi’s scent was filling Oikawa’s lungs and he felt his heart beating incredibly fast in his chest, he felt like everything was okay. Iwaizumi caressed his back with one of his hands slowly. “You’re an idiot.” 

“Iwa-chan?”

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

“Hm.”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Hm.”

“You’re an idiot.” Iwaizumi chuckled.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning, Tooru.”

Life had become dull in a way Oikawa couldn't bring himself to explain; The days had passed by without major changes, and there was silence from both ends. Oikawa hadn't heard of Iwaizumi and he himself hadn't called him either. He would woke up, feeling just sick in general with puffy red eyes and a chronic emptiness inside his chest, and go back to sleep like the little robot he had become into. That way he couldn't think of Iwaizumi, of the sadness running through him. 

It had been four days since he last talked with Iwaizumi. He had fallen asleep crying every night, had dreamed with him and woken up to cry again. Oikawa wasn't lonely, he didn't feel lonely, he felt alone. Like he was the only thing standing on earth. He didn't want to eat, didn't want to wake up from bed, didn't want to go to college, nevertheless he did all of the above because he wasn't responsible for just his life anymore. 

As much as Oikawa wanted to cry due to the dream he had, he contained his tears with all his will. It was his decision, wasn't it. It was for Iwaizumi's sake, wasn't it. Oikawa broke up with him so no, he wasn't allowed to miss him, to feel sorry or to regret his decision. With that in mind and the knot in his throat slowly disappearing, he stretched out, slowly. His feet slid out of the bed and Oikawa glanced his toes, his small toes he actually never noticed because who focus on such a small part of themselves. He felt his chest tighten and he didn't know exactly why he felt so sad just watching his toes…

Oh.

A memory flashed, it was way back when Iwaizumi and him had just started dating. They had just got laid, Oikawa was too tired to exist and just wanted to be comforted in bed, Iwaizumi was sitting a the end of the bed checking his phone. Oikawa stretched out his feet demanding attention and Iwaizumi caught him with one hand, typed something really fast with his free hand and left the phone on the bed. He turned to Oikawa, still holding his feet and started playing with his toes which caused Oikawa to squeak and laugh and try to free himself from his grip. Iwaizumi mentioned that Oikawa's toes were cute, that they were actually the only cute thing that Oikawa had and Oikawa huffed a complain of how mean he was. Iwaizumi laughed and bent over to kiss his (apparently cute) toes and Oikawa felt like melting.

Now he was crying. He was crying because Iwaizumi thought his toes were cute and had kissed them and Oikawa had felt so loved he thought he was going to die. He wanted that back. Maybe it wasn't too late, maybe Oikawa could explain and Iwaizumi would understand and would forgive him and then they would decide what to do with…

Oikawa's train of thought stopped right there. No. He had decided and whether it was the right decision or not, he was going to carry with it 'til the end. Oikawa breathed slowly, cleaned his tears and stood from the bed, he walked to the bathroom and tried really hard not to look at his toes while showering and dressing. 

The day was just another day. He lived alone in a n apartment that belonged to his grandparents in Tokyo. It was, yes, too big for him but he didn't want any roommate, he liked having his own space and not dealing with others' expectations. It wasn't cold or hot, he didn't remember his schedule for today but that was okay anyway, the semester was going to be over soon enough. Oikawa breathed slowly, reminding himself that everything was going to be okay when he smelled the food and froze in place, because why was he smelling food when he lived alone?

Oikawa's stomach grumbled, he suddenly felt like he hadn't eaten properly in ages. Maybe because it was true. He walked slowly towards the kitchen.

"Oh, good morning."

"Mom? What are you doing here?" Oikawa leaned and kissed the cheek of her mother. Oikawa's mother used to come the weekends to help him clean and wash and cook for him, and Oikawa was used to it but it wasn't Saturday yet, it was only Wednesday so why...?

"Is that the way to greet your mother, uhm? Did I raise you that way, Tooru?" Oikawa smiled and she smiled back. "Breakfast is almost ready, hungry?"

"Starving."

"Great, help me serve."

Oikawa didn't know how lucky he was to eat her mother's breakfast every morning until he couldn't anymore, which was the reason why he would always eat whatever his mother made for him when she came over. He really enjoyed home-made food, specially these days when nothing seemed right. Food doesn't make you sad. 

Both of them sat on the table and after thanking the food they started eating, his mother started chatting about how things were so boring back in Miyagi and how much she missed him, which was exactly what she said every time she came. Oikawa didn't mind, he was glad to feel like he still had a home back there. When his plate was almost finished he asked again and her mother squirmed awkwardly. 

"Oh my god..." he finally realized why his mother was home, and honestly he couldn't believe it. "Semi called you."

"Sweetie, he's just worried about you."

"He totally told on me with my parents, didn't he?" Oikawa grinned and her mother smiled awkwardly, "What did he say?" 

"He just said you were skipping college and that last time he saw you you didn't look okay, so of course I rushed over." Oikawa arched an eyebrow, the way his mother averted his eyes wasn't convincing at all, anyway she shook her head and smiled "Is... everything okay?"

Oikawa smiled sadly, looked at his plate of food, not hungry anymore, and felt his anxiety curl up in his stomach. He took a deep breath. If he couldn't trust in his own mother who in hell he could trust in.

"I broke up with Iwa-chan..." 

"Oh, why, sweetie that's terri-"

"Because I'm pregnant." 

Silence. Of course there was silence. Oikawa slowly looked up, expecting a terrified look on his mother's face, or maybe a disappointed one. However, he found his mother smiling and looking at her hands. She didn't look terrified nor disappointed. She was... concerned. 

"You are my precious boy, you know," her voice was steady, calm, it made Oikawa's anxiety melt away as he released a sigh, "But, you are a grown man and I will trust your judgement. If you think that's for the best, then so will I.” There was a small pause. "I can only imagine how awful you must feel right now, Tooru. However I must remind you that the world won't stop moving, it's up to you to keep on moving with it." She reached Oikawa's hand through the table and squeezed it sweetly. "Whatever you go through, I'm with you." 

Oikawa told himself he wasn't going to cry, not again for fucking heaven's sake. Oikawa was a big liar, though. Her mother tilted her face with a smile and Oikawa caught the glimpse of her bond mark, in her neck, a scar that would never fade away. He blinked the tears away and cleared up his throat.

"How's dad?" The smile hesitated for a second on her mother's face.

"Oh, boy, don't you have classes? Finish up and leave, I'll clean up." Her mother let go of his hand and stood up, taking the plate she was eating in. She was walking towards the kitchen but stopped midway and turned to look at Oikawa again. "Hey, sweetie. About, uhm... your pregnancy," She made a small pause, Oikawa felt his heart shiver, "Do... you want to keep it?"

Oikawa shook his head slowly, then took a sip of coffee, "I have no idea." 

Well of course Oikawa Tooru had thought about aborting his baby, but he was so full of emotions he had barely cared about himself at all. Semi called the parenting center and they fixed a date, they would discuss options with him and check how they baby was doing. And then he would have to choose. 

He sighed and finished his coffee. When and why did life get so complicated?  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you know, I'm trash.  
> So, apparently I decided to post something, this amazes me btw because I am a very anxious person and never thought of this but I've been working on this fic for a couple of weeks now and it's halfway done so... yeah. Also, I wasn't going to post this until it were done but oh am I a big liar  
> I dream of a world where Semi and Oikawa are bffs. Semi is one of my favorite setters and he's 2pure4disworld.  
> No one beta-readed this, aaaaand English is not my first language so hopefully everything makes sense? Let me know if something doesn't, also if someone wants to beta-read this (or knows someone who could help me), let me know, I'd love you forever.


	2. Look for longer days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa was in this kind of bubble where he felt that everything was somehow surreal and wasn't really happening. Of course, it only worked so he could pile up his feelings inside, because he knew all too well, enough to feel miserable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 26.08.2017: edited.

Oikawa had managed, somehow, to make it to college without any causalities, which was something he needed to give himself more credit for because he was actually feeling awful. Yes, he had his emotions all messed up but his body was really giving in to all the stress he was put the last few days; his back hurt, his legs felt weak, his stomach was tied in a knot and his thoughts were foggy. He managed to get sick somehow in the way and now he really regretted leaving his place that morning.

He was walking without putting much attention to his surroundings, it was only natural for him to bump against someone. He sighed and closed his eyes, damn he didn't even know where he was or how close he was to his actual classroom. He didn't even know which one was his actual classroom, Jesus.

"Oikawa," Oikawa froze, then looked up and saw a pair of sharp eyes staring at him, "why did you come in that state?" Oikawa arched an eyebrow.

"Well, excuse me, Ushiwaka-chan, I know I look like crap but-" the Alpha pulled him into an empty classroom and closed the door behind him.

"I'm not talking about that," Oikawa shot an annoyed glance at Ushijima, "Your scent is intoxicating. It makes my instincts want to take you away." Oikawa's heart ached. Sure, he kind of hated Ushijima because he was a bastard full of himself, but that aside, he had this really brute way to care about the omega. It was heartwarming, Oikawa felt like crying and Ushijima's face changed immediately; he clearly felt his scent changing. He probably smelled now like a damsel in distress, nice. When Ushijima came closer to Oikawa he smelled the alpha, his calming scent, and now he was crying for the third time this morning because he was being worried about by an alpha, his instincts overtaking his rationality. So when Ushijima hugged him he left him scent mark him. 

"Should I go back home?"

"You can't go to class like this. Everyone will be focused on your scent." Oikawa nodded, he breathed against Ushijima's neck and nuzzled his scent glands, the alpha's scent was so relaxing Oikawa could have melted in Ushijima's arms. Ushijima breathed slowly against his neck and Oikawa shivered. "Want me to go with you?" Oikawa nodded again. Ushijima pulled away and Oikawa bit back a whimper. As much of a strong alpha Ushijima was, he wasn't the soft and gentle type, not because he didn't care but because he just couldn't, as if the way he was raised just didn't allow it. 

Ushijima and Oikawa had grown closer than he liked to admit since they went to the same university and played in the same volleyball team, not to mention their social circle. Being Ushijima's setter was exhausting, he never bit back his pride and they always ended up yelling at each other. Oikawa missed Iwaizumi at his left, even though Ushijima wasn't bad at all. However, as much as he loved volleyball, he didn't see it as his future anymore per se he was playing it for mere pleasure. He was good, he probably could make it without problem to the national team but he had abandoned that dream long ago. He just wanted to be in Iwaizumi's team, but it didn't seem possible now. 

Oikawa lived twenty minutes away from college: five walking and fifteen on train. It was annoying and exhausting using the train, especially when he used to walk home from school. Ah, yeah, Oikawa had that bad habit of comparing his high school and college lives. Iwaizumi had scolded him once or twice about it.

During the trip Ushijima asked Oikawa a couple questions, about his sleeping hours, eating habits and health. Ushijima was very awkward when worrying about people and Oikawa couldn't help but feel sympathy, so he answered honestly and cheerfully. When they were home, his mother was nowhere to be found. Which was good because first off, she would worry about him and ask again and again how he was feeling, second off because he just told her he had broken up with his former alpha and now he was bringing a new one home. Just... no.

So yeah, Oikawa offered tea and Ushijima sat in the sofa and when Oikawa was back, Ushijima finally asked what he was expecting. 

"Did you break up with Iwaizumi-san?" Oikawa took a sip of his tea.

"News sure travel fast." Ushijima looked troubled, Oikawa quirked a brow. "What is it?" Ushijima was stiff. Oikawa often forgot how big he was, all muscles and broad shoulders and height and that serious scary look on his face. He squirmed awkwardly. 

"Are you okay?" Oikawa laughed because what kind of question was that. 

"No. What makes you think I'm okay, Ushijima?, Didn't you say so? That my scent was bad? Well that reflects just how I'm feeling, doesn't it?" Oikawa tried to calm down, he hadn't talked with someone yet. Not even Semi, so talking about his feelings scared him, just as it made them real. 

Oikawa was in this kind of bubble where he felt that everything was somehow surreal and wasn't really happening. Of course, it only worked so he could pile up his feelings inside, because he knew all too well, enough to feel miserable. 

"Ushiwaka-chan, thanks for coming all the way here but I would appreciate it if you left me alone. I want to sleep." Ushijima didn't protest, he stood up and awkwardly hugged him again before walking to the door. 

Before leaving he turned and said, "I'm here for you."

"Well that sure is convenient, having the reliable ace there for me sure compensates for everything." Oikawa heard the small click the door made and then he heard the silence. Oikawa had realized once he started living alone that silence was actually fucking loud. He walked lazily to his room after picking up the cups and dropped onto the bed like a dead body. All his feelings were mashed up into his chest so he felt so many things at the same time he kinda didn't feel anything at all. He sighed.

Ushijima had said he was there for him, and sure, that was nice, but he didn't feel like that was going fix anything at all. Oikawa put a hand to his belly, it was swollen ever so slightly, and inside there was Iwaizumi's baby. He shivered visibly and felt the need to cry, his heart sank. He started drawing small patterns into his skin, feeling his own touch tickling, while staring at the ceiling. What was he going to do with it?

Huh. What wanted he to do with it? 

His phone rang and his heart skipped a beat, he pulled it out from his pocket and answered.

"Someone told me you left with Wakatoshi. Are you okay?" 

“Hey, Eita. Yes, I'm okay. As much as I can be.” Oikawa moved and was laying on his left side, he heard Semi sighing.

"Well, at least you're picking up."

"Sorry." Semi talked with someone else for a moment, he heard voices then there was silence.

"Nevermind. Oikawa, I don't care what you think, I'm coming over today." Oikawa bit his inner cheek.

"Sure."

"Okay, I'll go after classes. Take care and, have you talked with him yet?" It was funny how Semi didn't say his name and Oikawa still managed to feel anxious.

"Obviously I haven't."

"You sho-"

"It has been four days and I haven't heard anything from him yet. He lives just two hours away, Semi. Obviously he didn't really care about me."

"I'm sure has a reason though."

"Whose side are you?"

"I don't- oh, yeah. Hey, I have to go. Let's talk later, I'll see you, then. Take care." 

Oikawa felt the urge to fix his life but hadn't any idea how to do it. Nice. He laid on his back again, staring the ceiling. What was even going on? Just a few days ago his life was normal, so fucking normal it was even boring and suffocating but that hardly sounded bad now, he would give anything to go back to his monotone boring life. He sighed, he hated sighing because when he was a child his Grandma told him it was his soul escaping from his body, of course that wasn't true at all but he kept the awareness. He would avoid sighing if possible, even if that was childish. 

Oikawa stood from bed, not bearing anymore the stillness, he walked back into the living room and the smell hit him hard. 

Apparently he was so immersed in himself he didn't realize Ushijima's scent wasn't just strong as hell but also was filling the whole room. He glanced at the clock that hung on the wall next to the table, it had been twenty minutes since the alpha had left but the scent remained. He opened every window in the room and leaned against the wall next to one. 

Ushijima's scent was so different from Iwaizumi's. Well, of course, that was a given, they were after all different people, but that wasn't what he meant. Iwaizumi smelled refreshing, sweet and natural, yeah, that was pretty much Iwaizumi's scent. Did it suit him? Well, Oikawa would have never changed it. Ushijima's, on the other hand, smelled like wilderness, something strong and dry, at least that was what he was feeling from what was left of his scent, but it was probably right, and if it was it suited him. Oikawa wondered how he smelled himself, of course he couldn't tell and Iwaizumi never talked about it. He frowned, realizing now there were plenty of things they never talked about and now there wasn't the chance. He had started biting his inner cheek when the door clicked open and he jolted in surprise. The rustling of bags and keys shaking and aggressive movements came through.

"Hey, mom, you're back," Her mother was carrying a lot of bags and Oikawa immediately helped taking most of them.

"Hey, sweetie what's..." her voice died slowly as she entered the house, probably smelling the place. Oikawa was walking towards the kitchen not facing her but he felt how she stared at him. He left the bags in the counter. "Why are you home, honey?"

"I, uh..." Oikawa looked at his mother, her eyes scanned his features and then a small smile formed in her face. 

"I wanted to make some chicken, and maybe some tempura? Why don't you help me out then, honey?”

"Eh, sure." 

“Perfect, then get the chicken out of the freezer."

"Yessir." He started moving around, then he turned to face his mother again. "By the way, Eita is coming at dinner."

"Sure, but what will we do for dinner? Maybe I should make enough tempura..."

"Mom, c'mon, we're just making lunch."

"I need to be prepared, Tooru." Oikawa smiled.

"Let's settle it with curry." Her mother considered.

"But curry and tempura?"

"Mom, this life is just one. If he doesn't want the tempura I'll eat it by myself." He mother smiled wide.

"As if I'd let you do that."

•••

"I've got to admit I'm impressed. You eat almost all the food, even mine. You little bastard."

"Your mother cooks way too well."

"Tell me about it." Silence fell between them, Semi was laying in Oikawa's bed while he was sit in the chair next to his desk, he reached a pen and started to doodle something in the first sheet he found, meanwhile he heard Semi sit in his bed.

"Oikawa, talk to me," Oikawa's hand stopped, he blinked slowly.

"What is there to say, Eita?," he sighed, closed his eyes for a couple seconds and when he opened them he continued doodling.

"Wha- You broke up with your boyfriend, what isn't there to be said? That you're sorry or that you miss him, that you feel-"

"Eita, I decided it and I don't regret my life choices, " _Or I try not to_. Oikawa looked at Semi, his brown eyes didn’t believe him at all, but the omega didn’t say anything, instead he sighed, brought his feet to the bed and rested his chin on his knees. When he spoke again he wasn’t looking at Oikawa.

“What about the baby?” Oikawa didn’t have an answer to that question, though. He chewed his lower lip and dropped the pen. 

“Honestly, I don’t know but I’m not sure I want to keep it.” Semi's gaze lifted, his brown eyes were warm and soft despite his unamused face.

“There’s always adoption centers.” Oikawa frowned and shook his head.

“I’m not going to have a child then abandon him.”

“Then, you want to abort.” Oikawa sighed.

“I’m not entirely sure. I…,” he bent over, resting his elbows on his knees, “All I know is adoption is a big no for me. Will I'll have it or not, that’s the real question.” Semi lifted his head and looked at Oikawa with dark brown eyes.

“Well, if those are your only options, want to hear my opinion?”

“Yes.”

“Abort.” 

“Huh.”

“You know, us omegas just _have_ this 'motherly instinct' which will make us grow attached to our babies. However, instincts work on the need to preserve the species and that’s not really the issue here, is it? There are more than enough humans in this world if you ask me. What I mean is: you shouldn’t let your instincts decide. You said it yourself, didn’t you? You’re just starting college and have a whole life ahead of you, and since you refuse to talk to Iwaizumi-san, I can only guess you’d end up as a single parent.” Oikawa felt cold, he blinked and straightened in his chair, he thought of the idea and didn’t like it at all. “That’s all I’m going to say.” Semi smiled while he tilted his head a little, Oikawa smiled too.

“You’re right. I’ll think it through what’s left of this week then I’ll talk it with the specialist.”

“Oh, right, the appointment is this Saturday,” Semi looked at the ground and nibbled his lip, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can go with you.”

“That’s okay, Eita.”

“You shouldn’t go alone.”

“Think I’ll ask my mom? She’d be more than pleased.”

“Yeah, that’s a good option. Probably the better option. Huh. What about college?” Oikawa looked at the ceiling.

“I won’t go during the next two weeks, probably,” Oikawa looked at Semi, he nodded and smiled a little, Oikawa smirked, “which means my cute friend Eita-chan will help me.” Semi frowned, his smile grew wider.

“We’ve talked about it, Oikawa. I don’t mind you using my name but please don’t use the 'chan',”

“And I’ve told you to call me Tooru!” Oikawa stuck out his lower lip in a pout, Semi chuckled, a little flustered.

“I’m trying, really.”

“You’ve probably only said it three times and we’ve been sticking around for almost six months, you obviously _aren’t_ trying.” Semi blushed a little, averted his gaze nervously and scratched his neck.

“I’ll try my best.” Oikawa kept his pout for a little longer but finally smiled widely, even laughed a little. Semi smiled as well. “Wow, I haven’t seen you smile like that for a while now. It really reached your eyes, I’m glad.” Oikawa didn’t answer, but felt how the tension between them was now gone. That made him feel at ease. Semi had became someone really close to him and he was grateful for his friendship, even though he had partially hated him for almost enough time. Not as much as Ushijima, of course, but he even was in good terms (or something like that) with him now. No one from Aoba Johsai went to his university, and only Matsukawa was living in Tokyo too. They texted from time to time but never met.

Thinking about it, he probably should meet him. 

“By the way,” Oikawa blinked at the sudden realization he had fallen silent, Semi was fidgeting, “Uh, I was told to tell you we were going to make a… small reunion? You're more than welcome to accompany us.” Oikawa frowned.

“Who is _us_?” 

“Well, Satori, Wakatoshi and me. Well, I was dragged to be honest, by Satori. You go and try to say no to him.” He rolled his eyes, but Oikawa felt the love he was talking with. That made him smile a little, “I think Bokuto-san, Kuroo-san and Reon are coming too.” 

“What's the motive?”

“Uh…,” Semi looked at the ground, he dropped his feet and shrugged. Oikawa narrowed his eyes.

“What is it, Eita- _chan~_?” Semi flinched, his eyes widened and his cheeks grew red.

“...rthday…” He mumbled something Oikawa couldn't hear well, so he leaned closer, expectant. “My birthday.” Semi's voice was weak, Oikawa was shocked.

“Eita! Why didn't I know about your birthday?!” Oikawa crossed his arms, mad apparently. “That's so mean!” 

“It's not really important…”

“Of course it is!” Oikawa sighed, “If it's for Eita's birthday I will be there for sure.”

“That's… great. Thanks.” Semi was leaving his embarrassment and finally looked at Oikawa. 

“Thanks to you~” Semi frowned, confused, “For inviting me.” Oikawa added, Semi nodded.

“Sure.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agaaaaain, I really hope everything makes sense.  
> I realized there isn't much interaction during the first half of it, so please bear with it  
> also, struggling Oikawa.  
> I actually kind of fell in love with Ushijima after writing about him. And yes, Ushijima is cringe-worthy painfully awkward.  
> That's pretty much it, also thanks for the kudos!


	3. The things we said slowly fade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Oikawa walked into the living room with him, the tension was undeniable, even the air felt very thick and Oikawa kept remembering himself to fucking breathe because he didn't trust his lungs anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 26.08.2017: edited.

Waking up feeling like you had a living disgusting and sickening thing on your stomach wasn't Oikawa's favorite thing of being pregnant. 

The headaches, tiredness and mood swings, that was something simple. Throwing up wasn't. It was awfully disgusting, it also brought memories from Oikawa's dark past (working himself to the extent of tears) and it didn't make him any good. Oikawa was starting to ask himself if there was something good about being pregnant. The answer by far was: hell no.

Oikawa's Friday was rather boring, he found himself with _too much free time_ , even after taking Semi's notes, cleaning the house with his mom and checking his phone and social media. He had a bad habit of waiting for a text from Iwaizumi, it just never really came. 

Oikawa was wondering how Iwaizumi was, how he was feeling, did he miss him. Oikawa knew he _shouldn't_ do that to himself but he did it anyway because he had come to despise himself. He came to the conclusion that if he made himself miserable then he would convince himself he didn't deserve Iwaizumi and then he would be able to move on. Yes, Oikawa thought it was horrible, however he couldn't bring himself to stand up against it. A sad old song was playing on Oikawa's headphones while he was studying the notes Semi had left for him earlier before going to college, just thinking about all the things he would have to catch up to was annoying him enough. He was just lucky he was in the same department as Semi. Oh, he owed so much already to that little bastard. He also loved teasing him, because, well, he was very easy to tease. 

Semi was one of the only omegas Shiratorizawa had back then just as Oikawa was actually the only omega Aoba Johsai had until third year of high school when Kunimi enrolled. Oikawa and Semi had become closer against their will (they had to do a paired assignment and they both decided it would be less awkward if they partnered up since they kinda knew each other) but their personalities clicked really fast. They were both not your typical omega, setters and once they left the past behind, Oikawa found himself searching the omega's company. Semi was how Oikawa came to talk with Ushijima (actually conversations, not just yelling at each other on the court). 

Having three Shiratorizawa colleagues and two of them in his same volleyball team at first got into his nerves, but he came to love Tendou’s twisted personality and kind of tolerate Ushijima. _Kind of_. Sure, he was a jerk but Oikawa discovered he actually had a soul and that with a little patience he wasn't _that_ bad.

Oikawa sighed when he read the same three paragraphs for the sixth time and just didn't remember anything of it. It was really frustrating but he knew himself enough and forcing the information in wasn't going to be productive. He closed the notebook and checked his phone, he had messages from Semi, Ushijima and Bokuto (they talked from time to time since they were teammates, they weren't especially close though), he saw the hour too. Practice was probably about to start. Oikawa wasn't exactly necessary, to be honest. Sure, he was a very good setter, but his university was a powerhouse, they even had a secondary team due to the high amount of players who enrolled with sport scholarships, so yeah, he was in the main team but he had replacement. Semi, for example. Not like it really affected him, though. Volleyball just wasn't what it used to be, not without Iwaizumi next to him. Oikawa was stretching when he heard a knock on the door. He stood up and walked slowly, scratching his neck absentmindedly. He had no idea who could it be. Maybe Semi had come before practice to drop an assignment, maybe it was Ushijima or even Bokuto (the guy knew no boundaries), he regretted not reading those messages because maybe he would have known who was visiting him today.

Oikawa swung the door open and almost closed it immediately if it weren't because the person standing took a step in without invitation. Oikawa froze because who else could it be if not Iwaizumi. 

Oh, the anxiety. His heart felt heavy, started beating really fast in his chest; his lungs seemed to refuse working properly, like they had a leak and there wasn't enough air, he also felt the blood leaving his limbs, hands stone cold. He felt really sick, like throwing up everything he had ever eaten, not to mention the sudden dizziness. He felt like he was going to die. 

“Hey.” Iwaizumi didn't look exactly confident but he didn't look like he was going to pass out. He seemed a little out of it, though. 

“H-hey,” Oikawa's voice was shaky, he smelled Iwaizumi's scent and his legs started to shake, it was inviting, calming and protective. Oikawa probably smelled of fear. He cleared his throat and forced a smile to his face, “Iwa-chan, it has been a while!” His fake cheerfulness was stabbing his heart. Feeling one way and acting another was exhausting, also he wasn't convincing anyone, he just refused to give in. 

“I'm sorry I haven't been in contact.”

“It's okay, it's okay,” oh, breathing was so hard, he moved aside and let Iwaizumi walk inside. He closed the door and exhaled, trying to calm down a little and failing miserably. “College must be hard, it is hard for me too.”

“To be honest… I wasn't expecting for you to be here. Today you have practice, don't you? So why…?” Oikawa laughed nervously. 

“Iwa-chan came all the way to Tokyo expecting to not see me, to be expected of you.” 

When Oikawa walked into the living room with him, the tension was undeniable, even the air felt very thick and Oikawa kept remembering himself to fucking breathe because he didn't trust his lungs anymore. Iwaizumi had a poker face, and Oikawa craved to hold him and nuzzle against his scent glands and cry a lot. 

“Yeah, I… I'm not sure what's going on.” Oikawa felt the tears in the back of his eyes, he also felt a knot in his throat. This interaction was taking too much from him. 

“Oh, well. Have a sit, I'll put some water and make tea.” 

“No, I don't want tea, thank you.” Oikawa nodded, Iwaizumi changed the weight of his body, hands inside the pockets of his jacket.

“If we're talking then we might as well sit.” 

“Right.” 

Iwaizumi moved to the sofa, he sat slowly, clearly uncomfortable. Iwaizumi hadn't been there too many times since they spent all the time in Oikawa's room or at the dinner table. Oikawa realized he had sit in the same spot Ushijima did, and he shivered. Oikawa sat in the armchair next to him, he smiled weakly. 

It took everything he had, ever single drop of self-control to not break in front of Iwaizumi. 

“Shit, let's just avoid the small talk. What the hell is going on, why did you break up with me?” Oikawa took a deep breath. He really expected it was taken as a sign of tiredness and not like he was trying to keep himself together, which was obviously the case. He looked at Iwaizumi, he seemed stressed and his eyes were red. Oikawa felt really really small under his gaze.

“It's just, it doesn't feel right anymore. I mean, you live far away and we're always seeing on schedules, it's really stressing.” Oh, his voice was so strange when he talked, he knew Iwaizumi wasn't going to buy it. He needed to struck a nerve, he needed to blind Iwaizumi's judgement with something strong enough he wouldn't catch his lie. He hated himself so much for what he was going to say. He sighed, closing his eyes. He chuckled under his breath, when he looked at Iwaizumi he focused on his eyes. “Ah, sorry. You came all the way here so at least I should be honest with you. Iwaizumi I,” he forced himself to keep the eye contact because he _had_ to see his reaction, he had to _burn it_ into his brain, he shouldn't forget what he looked like, he _deserved_ it for being the great scum he was. He took a small breath, his chest hurt, he felt like he would lose his fingers, “I’ve found another alpha.”

Iwaizumi's eyes went impossibly dark, he leaned in, resting his elbows on his knees, head hanging low, he was silent. Oikawa was shaking now, his eyes kept filling with water no matter how many times he blinked the tears away. He was going to die right there. None of them moved, it was like they were really trying to not make any sound. When Iwaizumi lifted his head and looked at Oikawa, his face was wet with tears. 

Oikawa felt something breaking inside. He stopped shaking, he felt nothing. His pulse calmed down. He smelled Iwaizumi, his scent made Oikawa's instincts go crazy, he smelled of frustration, Oikawa wanted to calm him down. He clenched his fists, nails digging into his palms. 

“I… I understand.” Iwaizumi's voice was soft. He straightened his back, took a deep breath and cleaned his face. “Whatever that makes you happy, Tooru.” Oikawa managed a small smile. 

“Thanks for understanding. I'm sorry things ended up like this.” Oikawa's fists were on his lap, he looked at them and softened his grip. “Iwa-chan is still a precious friend of mine, I'd like to… I'd like to be in good terms with Iwa-chan.” Oikawa didn't move when Iwaizumi stood up, he felt his heart racing again. Oikawa was going to say something when he felt a hand ruffling his bangs. His heart stopped. 

“Give me some time, Tooru.” Oikawa felt his eyes filling with water again, he had no will to hold the tears back anymore so when he looked up to Iwaizumi and saw his sad smile he started crying. Iwaizumi stroked his bangs and cleaned his face. “Take care, would ya?” Oikawa nodded, Iwaizumi nodded back, “Then.” 

Iwaizumi dropped his hand to his side, gave one last look at Oikawa and turned around. Oikawa heard the footsteps, he heard the noise of the small click of the door, he heard his heart breaking into a million pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been either awfully busy or procrastinating as fuck. There is no in between. Also, I hate so much this chapter omg but I refused to re-write this again because I can't even.  
> Also, this one was so short why do I even bother.  
> Again, I hope everything makes sense. Also I feel this is so cliché it bothers me omg  
> anyway, I'll go roast myself over there.


	4. Nothing can remain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa was scared of giving his all to find a thick wall that couldn't be broken down by his abilities. He didn't want to try his hardest to, anyway, lose in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's a misunderstanding?? apparently the Ushioi tag wasn't appropriated so I removed it (like, _just_ now because I _just_ saw it) but then I "deleted" a commentary and someone was going to (maybe did) report me? Okay, this might be dumb but last time I logged in was to update which was... 14? like, almost a week??? No I haven't deleted any comments.  
>  I mentioned it already but I suffer from anxiety and that totally triggered me because I did nothing!!  
> *breathes in*  
> Okay. I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to offend anyone if I did and for the last time, no, I didn't delete a thing.
> 
> 26.08.2017: edited; i actually had to edit it twice— hate my internet.

There was silence, silence screaming into his ears, he didn't know what was happening anymore, his throat hurt and for some reason he felt like was suffocating, he was staring at the wall, the silence was hurting his ears so he covered them with his hands, something was off, something wasn't right. Oikawa’s head was foggy, he couldn't think straight, his throat was on fire and his lungs were about to collapse. 

Later, he was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. His mother had gotten back from her trip (she went to Miyagi to get more clothes and tell her husband she was going to move temporarily with Oikawa) and Oikawa didn't remember anything else. She told him he was screaming his lungs out and crying, which made sense. She had to calm him and then he passed out, apparently she called Semi who helped her with Oikawa's body, they put him to bed and he slept since. Semi had stayed waiting for Oikawa to wake up but eventually it was too late and he had to leave. 

“You should rest as much as possible. Make sure you're feeling okay? Do you want to go to the hospital?” Oikawa moved to lay on his side and look at his mother. 

“No, it's okay, mom,” his voice was hoarse, partially because he just woke up, partially because he was unconsciously abusing his throat. Probably trying to get all the feelings out. Probably. It didn't work though. “You should rest, I'm fine now.” His mother grabbed a hold of his hand, brushed her thumb over the skin while looking sadly at Oikawa's eyes. She probably knew, maybe she smelled Iwaizumi's scent and connected the dots. She finally nodded.

“I'll be right there. If you need something, anything, just call me, okay?” She caressed Oikawa's cheek, and ruffled Oikawa's head slowly. Oikawa closed his eyes feeling the touch. Finally his mother stood up and left the room leaving the door half open. 

Oikawa's back was killing him. Apparently he was in fetal position when his mother found him, so it was probably because of that. His eyes felt swollen and they stung, probably his face was swollen too. He also felt an annoying pain on his lower abdomen. He shifted again to lay on his back and put a hand to his belly. He really came to like it. His back felt a little better and he lifted his shirt to touch his bare skin. His fingers were cold and he shivered, but started to draw patterns on it anyway. His head was completely awake now.

So, he finally made it, didn't he? He lied to Iwaizumi, he shoved him away, he rejected him and left him alone. He was disgusting. Oikawa _wanted_ to believe he had a reason, he _wanted_ to believe that was the best for everyone, but the more the days passed, the more he found holes in his decision. Oikawa was pretending he didn't feel the fear creeping down his skin but there it was, because maybe it wasn't just the baby, maybe it was how real things were with Iwaizumi, maybe it was the way Oikawa wanted to be the omega Iwaizumi deserved, maybe things were too emotional, physical, too good, too kind, and he was scared of that being taken away from him. 

When he played volleyball in middle school and later in high school, there was always a wall in front of them. Oikawa learnt to hit it until it breaks, he gave his everything and tried as hard as possible, but when they tore it down, there was always a taller, thicker wall in front of them again. Of course he didn't give up, his teammates and him, they all tried hard and together to break it down, and then the next and the next one… but it always came to the point where they couldn't do it anymore. Oikawa didn't want to give up, he always thought that there was _something_ he could do.

Then he met Kageyama. That stupid genius. Oikawa came to the bitter realization that it wasn't the wall that was unbreakable, it was him that wasn't capable. _“Have you reached the limit of your abilities?”_

It was stupid of him to fall back into his self-doubt, he had crept out from that pit a few times. It always got the best of him, but he couldn't help it. He felt like people was expecting too much from him, he felt like he couldn't reach their expectations. 

Oikawa was scared of giving his all to find a thick wall that couldn't be broken down by his abilities. He didn't want to try his hardest to, anyway, lose in the end. 

Oikawa sighed, he was finally facing the truth. What a bitter taste he had in his mouth. His hand was still drawing over his skin, the cramps had gotten stronger but nothing unbearable, he could do it till the morning for his first check up. Ah, right. His baby. Iwaizumi's baby. Oikawa remembered the conversation he had with Semi, he told him to abort, and sure, that was Oikawa's first thought anyway, _'I’m not having this baby’_. Then… why? 

Why was he feeling so uneasy? He stopped moving his fingers and dropped flat his hand over his belly. The baby probably had two months or so, because Oikawa's last heat was three months ago. Semi talked about instincts, so he thought maybe that was the cause to his uneasiness. It was just his body reacting according to his nature, nothing else.

It wasn't like Oikawa didn't want to have a family, but again Oikawa found out he was a bunch of inconsistencies himself. He only wanted to be with Iwaizumi yet the idea of not being enough scared him so much he ended up using the first excuse he found to push him away. Just great, well done, Oikawa. He sighed. For someone who didn't like to sigh, he realized he was doing it pretty often.

The idea of a family warmed something in his stomach, he started caressing his belly again while thinking. What if he kept the baby? The idea made his body shiver. Oikawa listened to his own breath while wondering how his life would be. He didn't have to drop college, his parents would probably be willing to help him as much as necessary. Sure, volleyball would become something from the past but it wasn't like it was everything to him anymore. Oikawa thought about a life with a kid, it wasn't unpleasant. 

Oikawa stopped for a second to consider his thoughts, wasn't he doing exactly what Semi said? Wasn't the idea of keeping the baby something that came from his omega's instincts? 

He closed his eyes. He thought of a little girl, brown chocolate eyes, tanned skin, dark straight long hair and a bright, huge smile. He thought of a boy, dark eyes, wavy brown hair, band aids on his elbows and knees, one teeth missing. He imagined the girl learning to use a bike, smiling proud after nailing it, he imagined the boy jumping to spike the ball with all his strength, eyes shining with pride after hearing the sound it made when it touched the ground. He even imagined both running through the house, chasing one another. 

Oikawa's heart was beating fast, he felt like crying because, Oh boy, did he want any of that. He wanted it all, he wanted Iwaizumi's baby, he wanted to take care of them, to raise them, love them and never leave them. Oikawa was crying now because, hell what was he saying. Sure, it sounded amazing but life isn't as easy as that. What was he getting his hopes high for? Even if it was Iwaizumi's baby, he wouldn't ever know and he would have to raise them by himself because he would never find an alpha that would take a single parent omega and he wouldn't want anybody else anyway. 

Wouldn't it be hard? Oikawa laughed because he wasn't feeling discouraged at all. He felt a little dizzy and maybe just maybe he could fall asleep, so yeah. He decided he was going to talk about it with his mom in the morning before going to the appointment, then they would discuss it with an expert. By the end of the day, Oikawa would know whether to keep it or not. He closed his eyes and pretended to not be excited until he slowly fell asleep. 

•••

Oikawa's dream started sweetly. It was the playground he used to play with Iwaizumi on, just brand new and not old and rusty as he remembered it. There was only one child, a small tanned dark haired child swinging himself slowly, looking at the sky. Oikawa felt like it was a memory, something that happened a long time ago but he couldn't recall it. He walked slowly and sat in the swing next to his, he looked in front of him. Instead of seeing the neighborhood that would usually be at sight, there was nothing but a green line that split sky and earth. It was sunset, the sky was lazily coloring himself darker and darker and Oikawa couldn't stop but stare. It was quite the sight. 

“It's beautiful.” he murmured, lost in thought.

“Sure it is.” He flinched and looked at the kid who talked to him, he was smiling widely. Oikawa couldn't help but smile. 

“I wish I could stay here forever.”

“You can.” Oikawa raised and eyebrow.

“Can I?” the kid nodded.

“All you have to do is close your mind and come back. I'll be here, waiting for you.” Oikawa frowned. He realized that he knew he was dreaming, he also felt his body shifting in the mattress which meant he wasn't entirely asleep either. He suddenly felt so much pain he bent his body in half and let out a groan, the kid next to him stood up and took his hand, Oikawa looked at him, gasping for air. “Tooru, wake up.”

“Wha-” the kid looked worried, Oikawa couldn't focus on his face, he let out whimpers and was breathing heavily. 

“Something is not okay, you have to wake up now.” 

Oikawa opened his eyes, the world spun around for a second and then it hit him. The pain he was feeling made him scream. He tried to sit but his nerves told him it wasn't a great idea, he still lifted enough and leaned himself on his elbows. Well, yes, something definitely was not okay. Oikawa moved his legs and he felt something warm coming out of him. He thought for a second it was slick, thought maybe his heat had stroked in despite his pregnancy, it wasn't something impossible and the pain was making it hard for him to make coherent thoughts. Oh, but it was agonizing, biting every nerve he had, sending shudders of pain to the very tip of his toes. It wasn't something he had ever felt during a heat, but then again he hadn't ever been pregnant during a heat. He tried to sit again, his body making him pay for his stubbornness. Then it reached him. The smell. He froze in place. 

It wasn't slick, it didn't smell like slick. It smelled metallic, like iron.

_Something is not okay._

Oikawa started to scream for his mom while reaching a shaking hand to the wet spots on his legs, he started to feel his stomach squeezing like a living thing, he screamed even harder when he retreated his arm and through the dim light of his room he saw a shiny dark liquid covering his fingertips. 

_You have to wake up now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm really busy with college stuff, I'll start next month and I need like a lot of documents and ugh.  
> The whole comment thing really upset me omg but well. As always, hopefully everything makes sense. This chapter leads to more disgraces and yeah, beware. ALSO If anyone thinks the tags are wrong please let me know and I'll fix it without any problem.


	5. Whatever lies ahead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa didn't even know how he felt anymore, he didn't have words in his vocabulary that could express the way his soul was crying on the inside. What was even going on? Why did his life take such a horrible twist in a matter of days?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to thank all the support ♥ means a lot. 
> 
> Also I refrained myself from using the 'miscarriage' tag because I didn't want spoilers from the first chapter. So you know.
> 
> 27.08.2017: edited.

Sunday morning Oikawa woke up after being a whole day on painkillers. He was convinced morphine was haven's miracle. He woke up to see the white ceiling of a hospital room and he felt his whole body heavy but not in pain. It was a relief. His mother was reading next to him so he made a small noise to let her know he was awake. She looked at him and dropped the book immediately. 

“Hey, baby. How are you feeling?” Oikawa's mom ruffled his hair, Oikawa closed his eyes slowly. 

“I'm better.” Oikawa took his mother's hand on his and opened his eyes to look at her again, there was a shadow over his face that made her look older. Worry, probably. 

Oikawa didn't want to ask, he didn't have the guts to ask about what happened, he probably already knew. He didn't want to make it real by saying it out loud so he just stared at his mother and smiled softly. 

“Oh, boy,” Oikawa nodded, understanding and squeezed his mother's hand. The door of the room swung opened and a beta nurse came in, she smiled kindly. 

“Oh, good morning. Glad to see you're awake,” she looked at his mother, “Good morning.” She didn't wait for an answer, she started to move around Oikawa checking the machine next to him, she also leaned in, flashed his eyes with a flashlight, took his pulse and temperature while chatting, her name was Kirishima and apparently Oikawa had beautiful eyes, “everything seems okay, I'm going to take your pressure and then I'm going to call the doctor. Okay?” Oikawa nodded, he suddenly felt scared. The nurse did as she said, Oikawa never liked how it felt when they took his pressure, but didn't complain. The nurse smiled, bowed slightly and went out again. Oikawa sighed. 

“Are you hungry? I could ask for breakfast.”

“No, mom. I don't feel like eating anything right now. Let's hear what the doctor has to say and see when I can go back home.” 

Oikawa felt the urge to go back home and bury himself in his bed and never, never wake up. He had been unconscious almost one day and a half and yet the most important thing had happened during the last forty eight hours. What was wrong with him, why was he such an emotional wreck.

The doctor arrived a few minutes later with a clipboard, he introduced himself as Hara-sensei and gave Oikawa an apologetic smile. It was an alpha, Oikawa smelled his neutral scent.

“When you arrived yesterday at four am your body was going through a miscarriage,” Oikawa took a breath in and felt the truth settle in his heart, “We determined you had a seven weeks pregnancy and you had a complete miscarriage. We put you under painkillers and even considered a transfusion due to the amount of blood loss, but your body seemed to be recovering properly and the actual reason of your slumber was trauma.” Oikawa was only partially listening, his mother squeezed his hand and he felt it warmer, meaning his limbs were cold again. “I'm sorry for your loss.” He checked the papers he had in his clipboard. 

“Hara-sensei,” Oikawa's mother spoke softly, “When is my son able to leave?”

“Whenever he feels like it, of course. Now, Oikawa-kun, you will probably feel abdominal cramps and present bleeding, that's completely normal and it should last roughly two weeks. If these symptoms persist after this amount of time, please come back. Anyway, I'd like to fix weekly check-ups for a month just to make sure your body is recovering and you don't get any infections. Please refrain yourself of taking baths and going to swimming pools. Do you do any sports?”

“Volleyball.” 

“Well, not anymore. At least not for the next month, it could be really dangerous for your health, especially with a sport like volleyball. Also, refrain from having sexual intercourse. If you and your partner want to try to have a baby again wait at least a month. At least.” Oikawa nodded, blinking away the tears that filled his eyes. “That's pretty much everything you need to know. I'll leave this inform with the receptionist, please sign it before you leave, also announce the nurse when you're ready, she will help you with everything,” he smiled slowly. He had a kind face with shining eyes and a beard, he didn't really seemed like an alpha. “Oikawa-kun, if you need help we have an excellent psychologist and we could make an appointment as soon as possible. Please take everything with calm and take care of your health. I'm really sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.” 

“Then.” Hara-sensei bowed and left the room. Oikawa turned to look at his mother. She looked so sad. 

“I'm sorry, Tooru.” Oikawa nodded, tears streaming down his face.

“So am I.” Oikawa's mother cleaned his tears and leaned to hug him, it was really uncomfortable but Oikawa didn't complain.

•••

When Oikawa opened his front door, he felt the mixed scents that came from the inside and coughed, he walked in slowly and froze. He saw Tendou Satori on his sofa, checking his phone. The alpha noticed him and made a noise. Yes, the always noisy Tendou, there was no mistaking it. 

“Oikawa-san~! You're back!” Oikawa nodded, Semi popped out of the kitchen and seemed relieved.

“Gods, Oikawa,” he almost ran to meet him in an embrace. 

“Oh, wait for me!” Tendou stood up and ran to hug them both, Oikawa chuckled a little and closed his eyes against the warmth these bodies were providing him. 

“How are you feeling? Are you okay? Your mother called me,” Semi pulled away, dragging Tendou with him and cupped Oikawa's face with his hands, “Are you hungry?” 

“I'm okay, Eita, thanks. Satori-chan, it's good to see you!”

“It's been a while, Oikawa-san.” Tendou was full of cheerfulness as always, his big eyes over Oikawa with an honest smile to his lips. Oikawa nodded. 

“I'm sorry, he was with me when your mom called and-”

“You go and try to say no to him. It's okay, I like Satori-chan.” Semi nodded, he dropped his arms to his side and suddenly realized Oikawa just came from the hospital. 

“Oh, gods. You should sit, are you tired? Are you okay? Do you want to rest? I changed your sheets and cleaned the place.”

“Oh lord, my mom called you to help her do chores?” Semi blushed and looked at his hands.

“N-no… she just wanted me to close the apartment properly since she was in a hurry. I... invited myself in. I wanted to be helpful, I'm sorry if it was rude.” Oikawa laughed. 

“It's okay, it's okay. Thanks for the help.”

“Where's your mom?” Semi looked over Oikawa's shoulder, Oikawa shook his head.

“She wanted to buy a few things for dinner, I offered my help but she almost hit me. She'll be right back.”

“Right,” Semi gave a worried look to Tendou, he nodded.

“I'll take a moment to call Wakatoshi, he was worried about you, meanwhile you guys talk about your omega-ry things.” Semi shoot a mad look at Tendou while he was leaving, he then pulled Oikawa slowly to the sofa and sat next to him.

“Oikawa, your sheets were soaked in blood, cleaning the mattress was hell… are you okay? What happened?” Oikawa sighed.

“Miscarriage.” Semi covered his mouth, he was really worried now. 

“Oh my-, but wh-, are you okay?”

“It's the third time you actually ask me that, Eita.”

“I'm sorry, but you collapsed and now this and, I mean, this week has been so awful. Oh, I'm _really_ sorry, Oikawa.”

“It's not your fault, Eita.” Oikawa leaned to rest his head on Semi's shoulder, Semi patted his hair. 

“No it's not, I'm just sorry you had to go through all of that.” Oikawa nodded, he nuzzled against Semi's gland scents, they were giving off a calming smell Omegas used in order to assist each other, it helped him to relax a little. 

“This week seems endless.” Semi chuckled. 

“Tell me about it. I won't even tell you about the final projects for the end of the semester. I think I'll spare you for a while.” Oikawa laughed, Semi chuckled and then silence fell between them. Oikawa inhaled deep.

“I talked with Iwaizumi,” Semi nodded, encouraging him to continue, “He came, and he was so hurt but I knew he wouldn't believe just any excuse, so I had to straight up lie to his face,” Oikawa's voice broke, he felt the tears coming back to his eyes, his throat closing, “I told him I had another alpha.” Semi dropped his hand from Oikawa's hair to his back and started to make circles, Oikawa shivered.

“He believed it,” it wasn't a question, it was a statement but Oikawa nodded anyway. 

“He cried, I've never-, oh I'm such a terrible person.”

“You're not.”

Oikawa didn't feel like talking anymore, so he nodded and cleaned his eyes, taking deep breaths to keep himself together. Oh, it was exhausting. It was really, really awful. Oikawa didn't even know how he felt anymore, he didn't have words in his vocabulary that could express the way his soul was crying on the inside. What was even going on? Why did his life take such a horrible twist in a matter of days? Oikawa knew he was asking the wrong questions, knew he was falling into self-pity but couldn't help it. He was really tired.

How was he supposed to keep on living? 

Silence had fallen between the omegas again, Semi was still caressing his back, Oikawa felt his breath ruffling his bangs and the warmness of his body through his own clothes. Human contact was so comforting, so relaxing, why hadn't he noticed sooner? He had taken so much things for granted he felt sick. But probably it was just the wave of emotions he was trying _really_ hard to keep inside him. The door opened and voices came from the entrance, both omegas turned to the sound. Tendou was carrying bags and Oikawa's mother was holding the door open for him. Apparently Tendou offered to help because he was a gentleman (no) and turned out she was Oikawa's mother. 

Tendou didn't mention what he talked with Wakatoshi and even though Oikawa wanted to know, he didn't dare to ask. Tendou came and started to ask questions about when he was going to come back to college and how bad was his condition, because meanwhile Semi was the main setter and they were seeing each other less because of that, and then he squeaked because Semi threw him a cushion and then stood up to hit him, but Tendou caught his hands and pulled him in a kiss, and Oikawa thought he was going to get diabetes but he had a smile to his face anyway because how sweet was that. 

Semi and Tendou had bonded a while ago (they were also so married, jesus). Oikawa had asked a couple times about it. He asked Semi if he was sure Tendou was the one and if they would ever regret it, Semi got red and clearly uncomfortable but at the end he confessed he thought that while, yes, they were young, and yes, maybe other Alphas could offer more or even better, he only wanted what Tendou was willing to give him, he felt that it fit him perfectly. So, if it was about him, he would be just fine with Tendou as his alpha forever, and even though he couldn't speak for Tendou himself, he expected it was the same for him.

Oikawa never expected to hear Semi saying something like that, but it really made him feel jealous. He wasn't scared, he was brave enough to face his own feelings and that was something Oikawa wasn't able to do. Well, he didn't know how hard it had been for him, anyway. 

The couple stayed until dinner and then Semi dragged them both out because Tendou didn't feel like leaving (he was really getting along with Oikawa’s mother). After they left, Oikawa tried to help her mother to clean the kitchen but she threatened him with a fry pan and had to give up, with that he only could go back to his room, he had avoided it as much as possible but it was about time. 

Semi did a good job cleaning his room. Oikawa wasn't that messy but lately he hadn't been that worried about it, so it was at least comforting. He had to thank Semi again for all the efforts. However, regardless how clean the room was Oikawa felt uneasy, felt his limbs going cold again. He walked slowly into the room and sat on his bed, he sighed. What was even going on, for the love of God. He had found out he was pregnant, he broke up with Iwaizumi, he didn't want the baby then he thought that maybe he could keep it and then he had a miscarriage. Oikawa thought that all of that was about enough emotional pain to drive someone crazy, he also wondered if he wasn't crazy already. Oikawa dropped his body onto the mattress and sighed, he was getting sick of that ceiling. Maybe he could put something on it, maybe he should paint the ceiling like the universe. Oikawa smiled at the idea, he wasn't an artist at all, he pretty much sucked at it, what was he thinking? He could ask Semi if he knew someone he could pay to. Yeah, that sounded good.

Oikawa knew what he was trying to do, he sat up and reached his phone anyway, he had even more messages. He went through them, they were mostly Semi's and Bokuto’s, some of Ushijima, Oikawa read them and answered them, even asked Semi about the ceiling thing. He was trying to get his mind busy to avoid the hell his life was right now. Not the bravest decision but Oikawa hadn't any confidence he could make it through without going insane. 

Oikawa heard the notification sound and expected it to be a message from Semi, his heart stopped when he saw Iwaizumi's chat on the screen.

**@IwaizumiHM[09:20AM] Heard you were in the hospital, everything okay?**

Oikawa frowned, _where did he hear that from?!_ Oikawa stared at the screen for a couple seconds trying to connect the dots. No, there wasn't any possible connection so how? Also, what did he ca- No, Oikawa couldn't bring himself to think of Iwaizumi as someone who should ‘mind his own business’, they were a couple just few weeks ago (not to mention childhood friends?) of course he cared. Okay, but wasn't he the one who asked to give him some time? What kind of time was just three days? Oikawa exhaled, inhaled again and held his breath for a second, he typed quickly. 

**@OikawaTr[09:21AM] Yup! It wasn't really serious, just a nosebleed, nothing to worry about~**

After sending the message Oikawa let go of his breath, he didn't expect and instant reply but that was exactly what he got. 

**@IwaizumiHM[09:21PM] Take care of yourself, idiot.**

Oikawa smiled because he read it with Iwaizumi's voice, he felt his heart tighten, or maybe it was his stomach. He replied again, still smiling.

**@OikawaTr[09:22AM] I will, thanks for worrying. I'm fine, Iwa-chan.**

The reply took a little more time, but it came eventually. 

**@IwaizumiHM[09:22PM] Of course I worry, _Bakakawa_. That's what friends are for. **

Oikawa's smiled dropped from his face. Sure, that was what friends were for, right? Oikawa didn't reply, he dropped his phone to the side and laid again. Long, long days awaited him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time I've made it, right? God, a week. Sorry, holidays and stuff but also a lot of emotional crap I've been through... anyway, really thanks for reading and commenting and also, wow, 104 kudos♥ Thank you so much♥
> 
> ALSO, happy holidays!!


	6. Feel darkness and the light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He never considered Ushijima as his friend but the way he put it, he was, wasn't he? Not only him, but Tendou, Bokuto, even Kuroo and Akaashi. Oikawa wondered why he never stopped to think about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I'M SORRY I WENT M.I.A (are you, really?) Yes, I am. I have a reason, well, more like a lot. Happy new year btw. So, since my last update my life became a mess. Broke up with my partner, my family got mad at me and, college. Yes, I'll be starting college next week. Buuuuu. To all of that add one more thing: K-pop. Yes, I've fallen balls deep into the hell of K-pop. Next chapter might take a little while but I'll promise it won't be a fucking month. Thanks for bearing with me. Remember my first language is not English. Love you all!
> 
> 27.08.2017: edited.

Oikawa knew how Iwaizumi had found out about his trip to the hospital. Turns out Bokuto was asking non-stop why Oikawa wasn't going to practice anymore and Tendou told him it was because he was in the hospital (he didn't mention it was only during two days, though). Bokuto (thinking Oikawa was dying) told Kuroo who told his blonde high school second-year boyfriend who told his friend who told his ex-captain who is in the same college (same volleyball team) as Iwaizumi, so finally it was Daichi who informed Iwaizumi about Oikawa's trip to the hospital. Oikawa found it very interesting. 

Bokuto had brought Akaashi, a third year now. Kuroo brought Tsukishima (who just conveniently happened to be visiting), there was also Reon who was very close with Semi and was visiting Tokyo just for the occasion. 

Semi told him he hadn't to go, that he would understand if he couldn't and he definitely shouldn't if he wasn't feeling okay. Oikawa swore he would only go if he felt like it and well, there he was. 

There were laughs and screams. Tendou and Bokuto used to discuss a lot but they obviously adored each other in secret, also they were so fucking noisy, Bokuto being his energetic self and Tendou being his weird self. Kuroo liked to make comments from time to time that would lead them to argue even more, and when he did it successfully an awful grin would form on his face, and he would squeeze his partner with an arm. Tsukishima wasn't an omega but a beta, and that fit him somehow, the blonde didn't seem to have that dominance that alphas had and Oikawa couldn't imagine him being omega. 

Akaashi was sitting next to him, in front of Bokuto, and was quietly looking at his boyfriend. Akaashi was a beauty, Oikawa really liked his features. They didn't talk that much, but he also liked his steady personality. Akaashi was an alpha, same as Bokuto, and while that would have been unacceptable a century ago, the world had changed and freedom was coming to everyone in every form. Oikawa didn't judge them, probably nobody did, because what did it matter what their sex was for the love of God, they loved each other. 

Semi was talking with Reon and Kuroo while Tsukishima checked his phone and ignored Tendou teasing him, Bokuto was trying to get Akaashi’s attention and Ushijima hadn't arrived just yet. For some reason, Oikawa was nervous about seeing Ushijima. They hadn't seen each other out of college since that day, they barely talked because lately Oikawa was too busy doing projects and assignments and Ushijima hardly did anything else from practicing anyway. He was, after all, in the national team already and had to reach up to everybody's expectations. 

Aside from Semi, nobody knew he was pregnant, however, they all seemed to be aware of his break up with Iwaizumi because nobody even mentioned him. Akaashi had gotten along with Iwaizumi, and Iwaizumi had claimed that it was nice to see that there were setters who were normal and not disgustingly pompous like Oikawa. Anyway, the alpha had given him a small smile and squeezed his hand when he sat next to him, Oikawa smiled in return. Everyone was so supportive, it really touched him.

“I heard from Bokuto you were in the hospital,” Akaashi commented, he had his face cupped in his hand and his elbow resting on the table, he also held a glass of water with his free hand and was giving Oikawa a side glance. 

“Yes, I was, but it wasn't something serious. I can't make any sports though, at least for a while,” Oikawa shrugged, “which reminds me, you're a third-year now, do you miss Kou-chan?” Akaashi smiled ever so slightly.

“Not at all.” Oikawa laughed because, gods, did he understand. “I apologize if he's giving you trouble.”

“He's not. I mean, aside from always fighting with Ushiwaka-chan. The coach even considered sending one of them to the bench but, geez, they're too good. And to be fair, I'm always fighting with him too.” 

“You guys must have interesting matches.”

“Yeah, we have a lot of power. Ushiwaka-chan is already a lot to handle, add those bad haired. Ah, sometimes the coach uses Kuroo in the main team too. Our libero is a senpai, and many of the wing spikers too. It's fun to play when you always win, I guess.” Akaashi smiled for real this time, he let the glass on the table.

“I'll be right back.” Oikawa nodded and pulled out his phone, he hadn't any new messages. 

Lately all he did was chat with Iwaizumi. At first it was uncomfortable and made him feel uneasy, he was scared of saying something that would bring up their break up. He quickly found out that wasn't the case and loved to hear from Iwaizumi's life, as much as it hurt him to not be part of it. 

After three days of rest, Oikawa started going to college again. The college, of course, was informed about Oikawa's condition and was given special treatment, he was also suggested to go and talk with the college's psychologist to which he politely declined. Almost a week has passed since he talked with Iwaizumi, and now was Semi's birthday which meant next week the semester would be over which meant holidays but also he really had to finish his homework. His neck started to hurt just from thinking about it. 

“Oikawa,” the omega was startled for a second. He hadn't realized the table had slowly grown quiet and now they were all looking at him. He blinked. “Are you… okay?” Semi was looking at him with curious eyes. Oikawa realized he probably was giving off a weird scent, thinking about college and the past events was giving him a bad time, apparently. He blushed. 

“Y-yes, I'm perfectly fine. I'm sorry.”

Just in that moment, Oikawa smelled a new scent. Someone sat next to him and everybody was greeting, it wasn't Akaashi, of course.

“Ushiwaka-chan~, glad you could make it.”

“Sorry.” Oikawa was opening his mouth to explain him that the seat was taken, but then Akaashi arrived, greeted Ushijima and squeezed in next to his boyfriend without a second though. Oikawa narrowed his eyes.

“Traitor.” Akaashi couldn't bite back the smile.

“Okay, now everyone is here should we order?” Everybody agreed. 

The food came rather fast, everyone was laughing and telling stories and embarrassing each other, even Ushijima was laughing and Oikawa had to restrain himself from taking out his phone and recording the whole thing to mess with him later. Then the waitress brought a cake and they all started to sing along ‘Happy birthday to you’, Semi was really embarrassed and kept burying himself in Tendou's neck, showing even his ears were red. Oikawa did take out his phone this time and took a couple of pictures for the memories. When it was over, Bokuto suggested karaoke and Tendou, Reon and Kuroo agreed. Semi, Akaashi and Tsukishima sighed resigned, knowing their boyfriends would make them go too and that they didn't have a chance. When Oikawa refused, nobody complained, when Ushijima refused, Tendou almost jumped on him. 

“Wakatoshi~!” Tendou had that bad habit of extending too much the ‘i’ when he wanted something from Ushijima. Ushijima shook his head.

“I'll walk Oikawa home.” There was a sudden silence and Oikawa blushed.

“Wha- You don't have to do that!”

“I know. I'll do it because I feel like it.” Oikawa sighed and closed his eyes. Yes, this was the side from Ushijima that Oikawa really, really hated. 

“Do as you please, then.”

“I will.” 

Fucking bastard.

Oikawa put on his coat trying to not look flustered, put on his gloves, said goodbye and headed out with Ushijima. 

The cold was kicking in this time of the year, they even announced it would be snowing by the end of the week, Christmas was soon enough and Oikawa would go back to Miyagi to spend family time (his mother had gone already, with the promise Oikawa would call her every day thrice a day), he wasn't feeling anxious about it, he just wanted this year to finally end. 

Oikawa found himself missing volleyball, he really wanted to go back to the court but he wouldn't be able to make it this semester. Sure, he could play during the holidays but he didn't want to go back to Miyagi and play volleyball, he didn't want to get nostalgic.

While thinking this, he turned to look at Ushijima. He wondered if he would go back to Miyagi too.

“Hey, Ushiwaka-chan,” a cloud of steam came out of Oikawa's mouth with every word, the alpha gave Oikawa a side glance, “are you going to Miyagi this holidays?” Ushijima now turned to look at him.

“No, not really. The national team will do a training camp, obviously I have to be there.”

“That sounds… actually sad.” Oikawa looked at the ground, there wasn't many people, maybe because it was late and because it was cold and because it was a weekday. 

“You don't care about volleyball anymore, do you?” Oikawa smiled, Ushijima could be really blunt or really sharp, and that annoyed him. He pulled back his head and looked at the night sky above him. Not a single star to be seen.

“Not like I used to, no. I still like it, though.” 

“That wouldn't have happened if you-”

“Ushijima, I swear to god.” Oikawa pulled down to look at Ushijima with a deadly stare and realized he was smiling. Apparently Ushijima was teasing Oikawa, the omega couldn't help but laugh, clouds of steam quickly vanishing in the air. “You're an idiot.”

“I know you hate me,” Oikawa smiled and looked at Ushijima, “I'm not an idiot, Oikawa.”

“Is not like that… also, I'm sorry but I disagree. You are an idiot.”

“Then, you like me?” Oikawa was startled for a second, the conversation was taking an unexpected turn. He choose his words carefully before speaking.

“I do like you, I like you the same way I like Tendou or Bokuto or Semi.” Oikawa didn't look at Ushijima while talking.

“That's not right. You tell Semi things.” Oikawa blinked and turned to look at him.

“What are you talking about, Ushiwaka-chan?”

“You know… things. Like…” Ushijima frowned, Oikawa didn't know if he was embarrassed or if he was trying to find a way to express himself, “Semi knows why you broke up with Iwaizumi, right? He also knows why you can't do volleyball.” Oikawa chewed his inner cheek for a moment.

“Well, I guess I like Eita a little more, then,” Oikawa looked in front of him, “If it makes you feel better, he's the only who-”

“It doesn’t.”

“Well, why do you care?” Oikawa snapped. 

A good thing from Ushijima is that he isn't offended easily, he actually doesn't show off almost any expression, so of course he wasn't hurt with Oikawa's reaction.

“Because we're friends, of course.” 

Oikawa was caught out of guard. He even stopped walking and Ushijima stopped along with him, looking at him quietly. He never considered Ushijima as his friend but the way he put it, he was, wasn't he? Not only him, but Tendou, Bokuto, even Kuroo and Akaashi. Oikawa wondered why he never stopped to think about it. 

Well, if he had Iwaizumi he didn't need anyone else, did he. Oikawa sighed, he was clearly doing the things the wrong way. He started to walk again. 

“Well, yes…” Oikawa looked at his own steps, “I guess… I never thought of it. But you're right, you guys are my friends.” By far, Oikawa only thought of Semi as his friend and the rest as his acquaintances, he really thought he was alone. What a dumb omega he was. “In my defense, you never really asked.” 

“I didn't want to force you.” It was common sense, of course. Oikawa felt terrible.

“Why are you so gentle with me, Ushiwaka? When we last saw each other during high school you were pretty harsh on me.” 

“Was I,” Oikawa rolled his eyes, to be expected from this blunt idiot, “Well, I was a little frustrated. I wanted you to be successful.”

“Why?”

When Oikawa didn't get his immediate reply, he was surprised. Ushijima usually spoke his mind so where did that sudden silence came from? He turned and saw something he had never expected to see, Ushijima was averting his eyes and he was clearly flustered. Oikawa blinked three times before everything fell on place. He felt his face growing hot. 

Oikawa wanted to laugh, he was just thinking of Ushijima as ‘the blunt idiot’ but obviously he wasn’t the only one. Well, of course Ushijima had a crush on Oikawa, if not why would he get out of his way to take care of him anyway, especially when Oikawa was so mean, proud and pompous. Oikawa wasn’t easy to get close to, not to mention he always had Iwaizumi near him, taking care of him, making sure he was alright. That was everything Oikawa needed, it was also everything he had and now…

“Hey, Ushiwaka-chan,” Oikawa pulled his hands out of his pockets, stared at his gloves (that perfectly matched his outfit, of course) and pulled the fingers of his right hand to take it off, his hand immediately felt the cold. He offered it to Ushijima, “I noticed you’re not wearing gloves.”

Oikawa was nervous all of sudden, and he actually didn’t know why he was doing what he was doing, he didn’t dare to look at Ushijima while he took the glove he was offering without complain. Oikawa felt pathetic for what he was doing, definitely taken out of a shojo manga, it didn’t stop him from doing it anyway. So when Ushijima put on the right hand glove and Oikawa took his left hand which was cold just as his and Ushijima made this very small sound like he was sucking air in, Oikawa couldn’t help but feel his heart flutter ever so slightly.

•••

There were no words, it was all really quiet. Oikawa had invited Ushijima over, he had made tea, they had a small talk and then Ushijima stretched his arm, inviting, Oikawa stood up, accepting, and now he was curled up against Ushijima's chest, drawing random patterns on his shirt. Ushijima was warm, his scent was really something. 

Oikawa knew he was doing this (probably) because his hormones were a mess, his body was still adjusting to the past events and Oikawa found himself craving affection because of that. His body felt lonely, missing the small creature inside it. 

During the days that followed, constantly Oikawa had to take full hours of silence to clear his mind, it was really exhausting. Usually by the end of the day, his head would be a mess and he wouldn't be able to do homework, read his books, do projects or do anything besides procrastinate. So he had to lay in bed, look at his ceiling and start questioning himself.

How are you feeling today?, Why did you feel like that?, Why you reacted that way?, What can you do to change it?, It's okay, Oikawa. You're human.

He found it rather lonely, to have to stand for himself and take care of himself when he was so used of others doing it for him. Oikawa used to despise himself very easily, taking the blame on everything and having every simple mistake proving he was a human failure. His mother would usually tell him things weren't like that, Iwaizumi would always tell him things definitely weren't like that; but with his mother gone back to Miyagi and Iwaizumi out of his life, there was only one person who could tell him things weren't like that. Yeah, it was definitely lonely, but it gave Oikawa this strong feeling of independency he, as an omega, was very unfamiliar with. Oikawa decided he liked it.

And that way, slowly, Oikawa learnt to feel compassion rather than pity towards himself. He started to pat his own shoulder, and hold his own hand. So, at the end of every night the conclusion was almost the same: You fucked up. You've been going through a lot. You're human. You'll be fine. 

Oikawa wasn't sure that was what he needed, but his chest was feeling lighter every day, he felt like his lungs filled with air and even though by the end of the day he was still a mess, he felt like was really calm. So, yeah, that was what he was going to hold on to. Whatever that made him feel at ease, whatever that gave him peace and the strength to move on. Even if it was all an illusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so. There it is. Ushioi. I've been doing a lot of thinking and I think I'm going to change a little the story from what I've planned, that would only mean more chapters so we'll see. Hm. That. Now I have a kpop fan account on Instagram {@bts.ponque} and I live there so if you like K-pop too follow me (shameless self promotion) and let's talk (or if you want to talk to me in general, you don't have to like K-pop lololol)♥ If there's anything wrong please tell me and I'll correct it. Lots of love.


	7. No safety in illusions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now it was a new year and it was so full of possibilities. Oikawa was aware of the fact that things weren’t exactly good, that there were lies and hurtful feelings still present on his life, but Oikawa knew things took time, and now he felt like the only thing he had for sure was time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy, told you you weren't going to wait that much. Now, I know I mentioned changes but I didn't really mean any more Ushioi........... So, you might as well notice that the numbers of chapters went from 11 to 15, which means we have more of poor Oikawa. Also, don't worry, I swear this will have a happy ending, and I promise fluff because I'm weak for fluff.
> 
> 27.08.2017: edited; god bless, half of it it's ready. why did i write so much why didn't i proofread before posting, someone kill me.

Oikawa went to every appointment he had and his gynecologist said he recovered perfectly well. They came to the conclusion that Oikawa's miscarriage was due to the amount of stress, and that there wasn't anything wrong with him. He said once again that he was sorry for his loss, he also said that they could start birth control if he was interested, Oikawa promised he would call (even if we wasn't going to). 

Oikawa went to Miyagi for his holidays and found out Iwaizumi’s family decided to go on a trip that year. Oikawa wouldn’t ever admit the relief he felt when he realized he wasn’t going to see his ex just yet. They kept talking, about college and volleyball and life and stupid things, but it was not the same as seeing him. Not the same as seeing those eyes which he made cry and those hands that used to hold him so close. Oikawa wasn’t ready just yet, but things were slowly getting better.

To begin with, he wasn’t dreaming with Iwaizumi anymore. Ever since his miscarriage he would fall asleep and dream white, which gave him nights full of rest but definitely made him uneasy. Finally, on his first night back to Miyagi, he had a dream. Oikawa’s dream was like _el Salar de Uyuni _, there was nothing to be seen but the sky full of white big cotton-like clouds and their reflex. Oikawa was there, in the middle of the salar, feeling the breeze ruffle his bangs, filling his lungs with salty air. Since that day, he would have strange dreams but Iwaizumi didn’t appear on them anymore.__

____

When holidays were finished the first thing he did was run back to the court, where he worked himself even harder than he had the past half year. He had just found again the passion for volleyball, he was afraid of losing it. Also, it helped him to not think about Iwaizumi, how much he actually missed him, or to think about his miscarriage, how guilty he felt. And it helped him, actually a lot. He also started to talk more with Tendou, Bokuto and Kuroo. Even with his Senpais, even though they didn’t have much to say. They started to make plans to go to eat, and to go to karaoke, and to go there and here and Oikawa found himself dragged along and didn’t even hate it.

 _ ___

He also opened up with Ushijima. Days before going to Miyagi he invited him over and told him everything, from the day he found out about his pregnancy to the day he woke up on the hospital and just knew what had happened. Ushijima didn’t say a thing while Oikawa was speaking, and Oikawa didn’t start to cry midway or had his voice cracking, having Ushijima looking at him with steady eyes gave him courage to go through the rough parts like his dreams with Iwaizumi and the day he came to sort things out. After that, Ushijima apologised because Oikawa was going through all that by himself, he was also sorry for his loss but was more concerned about Oikawa’s well being.

 _ ___

When Oikawa came back from Miyagi Ushijima asked him out and Oikawa didn’t have any particular reason to refuse him, so that was it. They were now dating.

 _ ___

Now it was a new year and it was so full of possibilities. Oikawa was aware of the fact that things weren’t exactly good, that there were lies and hurtful feelings still present on his life, but Oikawa knew things took time, and now he felt like the only thing he had for sure was time.

 _ ___

“Excited for today, Oikawa?” Bokuto appeared out of nowhere, showing a curious face with big golden eyes staring at Oikawa, the omega smiled.

 _ ___

“Sure, we haven’t had a practice match in forever.”

 _ ___

“We had two while you were gone, though,” Kuroo sat next to him, bumping his shoulder. Oikawa squinted his eyes and bumped him back.

 _ ___

“And you got to play, Mr. Secondary Team?” Kuroo grinned.

 _ ___

“Yes, I did. I’m a good midblocker after all, aren’t I?”

 _ ___

“Just good.” Oikawa huffed. They were on the cafeteria, apparently they all had a free period and had nothing better to do so they decided to look for Oikawa to tease him. It was at moments like this when Oikawa regretted becoming so close with the annoying duo.

 _ ___

“I am better than good, I’m on the top three aces of the country!” Bokuto interrupted.

 _ ___

“Yes, you have a better rank now, no need to rub it on our faces, Kou-chan.” Bokuto nodded, happy with being acknowledged, “Do you know which university is?”

 _ ___

“Nope, don’t remember the name. It doesn’t matter, though, we’ll crush them.” Kuroo answered for Bokuto.

 _ ___

“Mr. Secondary Team is going to play with us?”

 _ ___

“Listen here, little shit-” Oikawa laughed, not listening to what he had to say. He closed the textbook he was reading before they both appeared to annoy his existence. Oikawa had forgotten how nice it felt to actually have friends, he realised he had spent most of his time with Iwaizumi, and that was something that simply didn’t seem right. Yes, Oikawa realised he was doing plenty of things the wrong way.

 _ ___

Oikawa was listening to Kuroo talking while rolling his eyes and making noises to annoy him when he smelled it. Ah, yes, Oikawa had a thing for smells, he didn’t even know if it was because he was an Omega, like they were supposed to be sensitive to scents but Oikawa felt like he was a little more sensitive than normal. Thing is, something Oikawa had forgotten was the feeling of being courted by an alpha. Yes, it felt good. So when he smelled Ushijima’s scent his heart started beating faster.

 _ ___

“Yes, Ushijima is over there. He hasn’t seen you, though.” Kuroo added in the middle of his speech, Oikawa smiled.

 _ ___

“Of course he saw me already, you idiot. You’re just jealous because your cute Beta is still on high school.”

 _ ___

“It’s funny,” Bokuto commented, suddenly with a serious expression, “You and Ushijima used to fight all the time, and now you guys are dating.”

 _ ___

“Yeah, it’s really funny, isn’t it.” Oikawa tapped the textbook, growing quiet.

 _ ___

“They still fight all the time, though. Those love quarrels in the middle of practice are quite something.”

 _ ___

“Kuroo, has anyone ever told you you're really annoying?”

 _ ___

“Once or twice.”

 _ ___

“Fucking ass-,” Oikawa pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, sighing.

 _ ___

“You love me.”

 _ ___

“You wish.” Bokuto reached Oikawa's textbook and looked at it.

 _ ___

“Where is Semi?” Oikawa blinked.

 _ ___

“Well, spending his free period with Satori-chan, of course.”

 _ ___

“Come to think of it, you call everyone by their first name and the “chan” but I'm just ‘Kuroo’. That's not fair.”

 _ ___

“Well, I don't like you, _Kuroo._ ”

 _ ___

“And that's not nice. I'm a great person, why don't you like me?!”

 _ ___

“So noisy…” Oikawa took the book away from Bokuto's hands and turned a little to talk with him. “And you're awfully quiet today, Kou-chan. Everything okay?” Bokuto blinked, like he hadn't realized himself he wasn't being his energetic self.

 _ ___

“Yeah, I think.” Oikawa turned to look at Kuroo, concerned, but he just shrugged. Oikawa huffed. Bokuto seemed to be uneasy, like he had something he wanted to say but he didn't find the way to say it.

 _ ___

“What is it?” Oikawa narrowed his eyes, trying to figure Bokuto out. Bokuto seemed to be struggling really hard, but he finally let out a sigh and stood up.

 _ ___

“It's nothing, Oikawa,” Oikawa blinked, “I'll be right back, I'll buy a milkshake. Do you guys want anything?”

 _ ___

“No, but thanks, bro.” Oikawa simply shook his head and watched the alpha walk away, tugging at his hands, like he was trying really hard to keep everything inside. Oikawa was missing something.

 _ ___

“Is everything between Kou-chan and Keiji-chan okay?” Kuroo blinked.

 _ ___

“The Chan, ugh, it really hurts,” Oikawa rolled his eyes and flickered Kuroo’s forehead, the alpha let out a groan and rubbed the now red spot, “mean.”

 _ ___

“Kuroo.” Oikawa's voice was serious.

 _ ___

“Geeze, you're scary. Everything is fine between those two as far as I'm concerned.”

 _ ___

“Then what's bothering him?”

 _ ___

“Beats me. I've been trying to make him confess but he won't say a thing.” Oikawa knew Kuroo was lying too, he almost wanted to stop being so perceptive sometimes, he would be fine with believing a lie once or twice. He sighed.

 _ ___

“I hope it's nothing serious.”

 _ ___

“Don't worry too much.” Oikawa nodded and checked his phone.

 _ ___

“My free period is almost over, and I didn't get to enjoy it because of you.”

 _ ___

“My pleasure.” Oikawa growled.

 _ ___

“Petty bastard.” Kuroo gave a small smile, Oikawa blinked for a second because something was a little off. It was so… fake. Oikawa shivered, he took his textbook and stood up.

 _ ___

“Tell Kou-chan to cheer up for me, would you?” He embraced his textbook and without saying anything else, he simply turned and froze for a second. Ushijima turned in that exact moment to look at him, when their eyes met Oikawa felt something warm spreading in his chest.

 _ ___

It was… different. It wasn't like when he caught Iwaizumi staring at him, but it was somehow refreshing, really steadying. Like it felt good to have a new “love interest”. A small smile rose to his lips and he walked in that direction. Ushijima said something to his interlocutor (a volleyball senpai) and then started to walk to meet Oikawa. When Ushijima wrapped his arm around him in the most awkwardly way, Oikawa let a chuckle slip out of his throat, he breathed in Ushijima's scent and sighed.

 _ ___

“Hey, everything's okay?” When Oikawa pulled apart, he knew Ushijima meant a lot of things: 'is your body okay?’, 'is your mind okay?’, 'are you feeling well?’, Oikawa simply shrugged.

 _ ___

“Pretty much. A lot of mystery about today's practice match.”

 _ ___

Oikawa saw it. He would like to say he didn't, he would like to think he was just being dramatic but with someone as simple as Ushijima, things were just what they seemed to be. So it didn't matter how hard Ushijima wanted to hide it, there was something.

 _ ___

“Ushiwaka-chan,” Oikawa wasn't sure he wanted to ask what was wrong. Of course, he did it anyway, “You're hiding something, aren't you? What is it?”

 _ ___

“Is something wrong?” Ushijima tried to pretend he didn't know, Oikawa poked him with his finger.

 _ ___

“Don't even try. You're acting weird, everyone's acting weird. There's something going on you haven't told me about and I'm deeply offended.” Oikawa gave Ushijima his textbook and crossed his arms in a pout, Ushijima smiled.

 _ ___

“What are you talking about?, There's nothing-”

 _ ___

“It is, it is!! Bokuto, Kuroo and even you. Don't deny it, when I mentioned today's practice match your face made thi-” Oikawa's words died slowly, his own words weighing between them. There was thick silence and Oikawa knew his classes were about to start. He didn't budge, his heart shivered with anxiety. “Oh.” When he looked at Ushijima, he had this super worried face and seemed to be struggling with his next actions. Oikawa smelled his scent, calming.

 _ ___

“You don't have to play with us.”

 _ ___

“Don't decide stuff for me, Ushijima.” He grabbed his textbook from Ushijima's hands but he held it firmly.

 _ ___

“Don't answer now. Tell me at the end of the classes, please don't force yourself.”

 _ ___

“I will. Now, let go.” Ushijima nodded and let go of Oikawa's textbook. Oikawa held it firmly and awkwardly kissed Ushijima's cheek before dashing off.

 _ ___

When he arrived his classroom and sat next to Semi, the omega immediately put his hand over Oikawa's.

 _ ___

Oikawa felt the absolute numbness the second the class started. His mind was not in the class, nor in the present moment anyway. His eyes, although open, were in the textbook he didn't remember to open, and the letters danced, melted and ran away from Oikawa's understanding. The longer he stared the less he could read them.

 _ ___

Semi shook Oikawa to wake him out of this state and the noise came to him like a slap in the face, it even hurt his ears. The class was stopped, everyone was looking at him.

 _ ___

His college, being a sports powerhouse, was mostly filled with alphas and betas, making the omegas a hardly 3% of the student population. Five out of fifteen students were betas, one out of twenty students was an omega, the rest of them were alphas. Usually in a classroom for thirty people were only two or three omegas. The class with more omegas Oikawa had ever been had, including him, only four. Because of this, most alphas weren't used to being so close with their omegas classmates, also it was really dangerous for an omega to attend college during his heat, and depending on their heat cycle they would have a week off. Oikawa was the type of omega that had his heat every month, there were lucky ones who only had it every two or three months. Because of this, Oikawa's scent glands were stronger due to the amount of use. So there he was, his scent filling the room so much even the betas noticed. Oikawa blushed.

 _ ___

“Oikawa-san, would you like to go the infirmary?” Oikawa suddenly felt overwhelmed, he felt attacked, the scent of different alphas reacting to him was coming everywhere, his eyes filled with water.

 _ ___

“I'll take him,” Semi stood and pulled Oikawa with him, the world spun around for a second, Oikawa grasped for air and the whole class went impossibly still. “C’mon, Tooru.”

 _ ___

Semi nuzzled his scent glands with his nose and Oikawa felt a calming wave running down his body. He felt his legs weak and didn't understand how they held his body when he started walking pulled along by Semi.

 _ ___

“Why didn't you tell me?” was the first thing Oikawa asked when he was able to talk, sitting on the nursery bed. Semi hesitated.

 _ ___

“Wakatoshi asked us to keep it a secret…” Oikawa frowned.

 _ ___

“And you happily agreed because-?”

 _ ___

“I know you're mad-”

 _ ___

“Mad? I'm not mad, Eita. I'm hurt. How come my best friend-”

 _ ___

“I'm really sorry.” Oikawa bit back a snap and closed his eyes. “Are you going to play?”

 _ ___

“I don’t know,” he answered, honestly. Oikawa was a little dizzy, he was feeling a lot of anxiety too.

 _ ___

God, why were his feelings so damn intense? His heat was coming soon too, and honestly he wasn’t sure he wanted to spend it with Ushijima. Sure, they’ve been kind of “exclusive”, they’ve had intimacy, not to the point of actually having sex but it wasn’t because Oikawa was against it. It was actually Ushijima the one who left him with blue balls, which was the reason he wasn’t sure to ask Ushijima about it.

 _ ___

Oikawa didn’t have to play the match, Oikawa could perfectly avoid it and keep on his life like he was doing, one step at the time. But that felt… so wrong. Like he was hiding, like he was full of regret. Not that he wasn’t… or was he? His head started to hurt from all the thinking, he felt really sick, his body reacting to the levels of anxiety.

 _ ___

“You shouldn’t, Oikawa. If you could smell yourself right now… you’re so, scared.”

 _ ___

Semi sat hesitantly next to him and Oikawa leaned against him immediately, Semi locked him hand on Oikawa's hair and started to brush the locks, softly. Oikawa hummed at the feeling. It was a good feeling. He felt how the anxiety started to melt away. Oh, he was so lucky to have someone like Semi taking care of him. He was glad being an omega gave him the opportunity to develop this platonic relationship with him.

 _ ___

He suddenly thought of Iwaizumi, of crying Iwaizumi, of anxious Iwaizumi. Who was there to soothe him? His heart ached a little.

 _ ___

How was Iwaizumi doing? Was he… better without him? He was dying to know. How was he _really_ doing? Oikawa didn't know. He did know how nights were peaceful and morning were cold but not impossible, but did that mean he was doing okay? He sighed. Maybe seeing Iwaizumi again was the final closure to all this drama. Maybe acknowledging his friendship he would be able to leave all these behind. He wanted to try. Fuck, he needed to know. So he sighed again, gathered himself. 

____

“What the hell, it's just a ridiculous match. I'll be fucking okay.”

 _ ___

Semi hummed but Oikawa knew he didn't agree with him. The omega, however, didn't say so, and Oikawa kind of liked how he wasn't trying to tell him how to live his life.

 _ ___

Hopefully Oikawa wouldn't fuck up this too.

 _ ___

Semi hugged him really tight before they parted and Oikawa didn't know what to do next. Luckily for him, life decided for him when Ushijima walked into the nursery.

 _ ___

“Eita told me-”

 _ ___

“Are you free, Wakatoshi-chan?” Oikawa pulled a little to look at him, he smiled a little to make sure Ushijima didn't worry, as someone who lately dealt with tons of anxiety, he made sure to not let anyone feel like that too, “There's nothing wrong. I'd just like to spend some time with you.” Ushijima looked at him, blinked, the ghost of a smile plastered on his lips and then he nodded slightly. Oikawa smiled wider.

 _ ___

“But, are you feeling okay?”

 _ ___

“Not exactly. I'm not bad, I've just… Been better. I guess?” Ushijima nodded again, didn't ask more questions. He just wrapped his hand around Oikawa's and the omega felt like melting. He started to walk, pulling him along.

 _ ___

At first, people would literally stop and look at them, surprised. Mostly betas and the few omegas. Alphas, he had came to learn, usually minded their own business. From time to time he'd get a weird stare but aside from that, nothing. Just a few days later everyone seemed to know about their relationship and they were an item. _Pressure much?_ Because now he wasn't just an omega who had a relationship with an alpha, no, he was _the_ omega dating _the_ alpha. There wasn't a single soul who didn't know about them, different sports or not. Tokyo was, after all, small enough. 

____

So when they sat down in the grass, under the shadow of a tree Ushijima was actually leaning against, he didn't feel weird about glares and ruckus around them. Oikawa sat cross-legged, and took one of Ushijima's hands on his. He started to outline it.

 _ ___

“Waka-chan, do you like me?” He looked from his hands to the alpha’s face with a smirk, loving how flustered he seemed, pink cheeks and all. The alpha nodded, Oikawa hummed and looked down again, “Good, because I like you too.”

 _ ___

Then there was silence because Ushijima wasn't a person of many words, and there wasn't anything left to say anyway, was it? So it settled comfortably between them and Oikawa kept playing with Ushijima's hands, then he put his open palm against the alpha’s.

 _ ___

“About the match, it really angered me, you know? But it's okay, I know you were trying to protect me. That's sweet, really, but didn't it occur you that maybe if I knew before I'd have been able to have more time to get mentally ready?” His voice wasn't harsh, he wasn't judging him, he wasn't blaming him. Ushijima worried his lower lip before speaking.

 _ ___

“Yes, that could have been an option,” Ushijima fidgeted a little, “But you could have started to think strange stuff, about him, and that would have made you stressed and anxious, and you probably would have had collapsed by the end of the week.” Oikawa quirked a brow.

 _ ___

“A little dramatic, are we?” But he wasn't entirely wrong, that could have happened… Oikawa sighed, “Hate to say you might be right, though,” he intertwined their fingers, “Anyway, I've decided I'll play. It's okay, really. I promise to quit if it makes me feel bad.”

 _ ___

There was a small silence, then Ushijima muttered, “Okay.”

 _ ___

“Thanks,” Oikawa leaned and pecked Ushijima's lips, he definitely wasn't used to that, but he like the way Ushijima would fluster right after.

 _ ___

Oikawa was going to play, was going to figure how Iwaizumi was doing, which was hopefully okay, and would close the breach to that painfully past of them. They'd be back to friends, at least, and things would keep moving forward.

 _ ___

Hopefully.

 _ ___

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading this from college and i'm 88% sure the my teacher knows what i'm doing i'm freaking out omg okay. I noticed a few typos in the last chapter but i was too lazy to edit it;-; i'll do it, I swear. ANDDDDD here I explain a little how omegaverse works for me. If you guys have any question, let me know please (I know it's really convenient that Oikawa is like that but please bear with me xd) Also, yes, yes, yes, thanks for reading. Remember i'm not a native english speaker. Love you all.


	8. Wake to this truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa happened to remember how Iwaizumi was five centimeters shorter, how he didn't have to look up. He, then, remembered how Iwaizumi was the big spoon anyway and their legs were always a tangled mess, and the sun kissed skin felt so warm under his fingertips, just like it feels through the thin layer of fabric. His heart started to beat painfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got me so stressed out, istg. BECAUSE IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT AND I FEEL LIKE IT'S LACKING, AS IF THINGS ARE HAPPENING JUST BECAUSE AND THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT!!!! it's just, Oikawa's feelings are something that, somehow, became really complicated and i hate that because it was never my intention xd worst part is i relate with this oikawa so much and, funny story, i wrote this story based on something that happened to me (minus the pregnancy part, pls, my life is not that interesting) and if you guys think for one second: dude, no one would do/feel/say something like that, boy do i have news for you...  
> anyway, after editing this for the fifth time I kind of gave up, so if something doesn't make sense it's because of that and i'm really sorry but i kind of want to get this chapter out of the way because i need to get the plot moving xd also, I'll untagle oikawa's mess in the next chapter and then, things will be okay again. finally. Thank you so much for sticking with me and this piece of crap, love y'all.
> 
> 27.08.2017: edited. i still hate it lol.

The end of the match was something Oikawa was begging for. He kept being replaced by Semi and that was something he (surprisingly) didn't mind. He kept getting so exhausted every fifteen minutes, which was something luckily the coach saw right away. Oikawa told him a lot of times he was okay again, was sent to play and sent to the bench again fifteen or ten minutes later. At the sixth (or was it eighth?) benched, Oikawa didn't go back to the court, he didn't tell the coach he was okay, and the coach didn't ask. 

Oikawa's anxiety was curling up in his stomach, he was looking the match, looking at Iwaizumi, all the time. They were good, not enough to beat them but at least to put up a good fight. Iwaizumi and Daichi where the only first years playing, the senpais where really good and Oikawa thought that maybe one or two were really serious into volleyball. 

They played five sets, won four of them. When the whistle announced the end of the match, first thing Oikawa did was to stand up and look for Ushijima. The alpha hugged him really tight, even though he was all sweaty and panting, Oikawa didn’t think any of it. It was… weird, not exactly uncomfortable or nice, but the alpha let him go soon enough so Oikawa didn’t think it further. Ushijima kissed the top of his head and they both put in line and everyone bowed thanking for the match, they stepped closer to shake hands and quickly every team started to clean and pick up. 

Ushijima took Oikawa's hand and pulled him along to the benches where the others were drinking water and drying themselves, Oikawa started to talk about the match. 

“We're going to have to work with those back attacks, Hachiro-san. I know you can jump higher than that.” 

“Oikawa, you're asking for too much. I'm not Ushijima, you know?” Oikawa sighed.

“I've told you you mustn't compare to Ushiwaka-chan,” 

“Um,” the whole gym was filled with smells and pheromones, which was the reason Oikawa didn't smell Iwaizumi coming, “Excuse me, can I talk with you, Oikawa?” 

There was silence, they all turned to look at Ushijima except for Oikawa, who was frozen looking at Iwaizumi's sweaty face. Something shrugged really hard inside him and his heart ached. 

“S… sure. What's with the formalities, Iwa-chan?” Oikawa looked at Ushijima for a second. 

Oikawa was trying to tell himself he was okay but that wasn’t true. No, he wasn’t. He couldn’t explain, he couldn’t put a finger to what was bothering him, not really. Why was he so anxious because of this guy, whom he had known his whole existence? Why was he so nervous? Was he… maybe scared? Scared of what? They had talked several times, and at the beginning of the match the alpha had greeted him like usual. Then why? 

He took a deep breath, only one way to find out. 

He followed Iwaizumi a little away from the bodies moving everywhere and Oikawa actually thought there was an earthquake happening in that moment. He forced himself to breath deeper, deeper, deeper because no, you can't faint, not in front of him. He'll worry and-

Oh, Iwaizumi just asked something. 

“Uhm?”, Iwaizumi turned around, a little awkward around the omega.

“I asked, are you okay?” 

“Oh… Yes, I'm fine. Just tired, you know,” he flickered his wrist, he felt his anxiety melt a little away, because everything was really normal, “It was a great match, you've improved so much. I really miss being your setter,” Oikawa pouted. Iwaizumi smiled a little. 

“Nah, I'm sure you have more fun with Bokuto and Ushijima,” Oikawa rolled his eyes and Iwaizumi smirked. He smirked. Oikawa's heart skipped a beat. 

“Kou-chan, he's… really… too much,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “sometimes I want to send him to Keiji-chan, then I feel sorry for Keiji-chan but hey, they're mates anyway so he might as well keep up with him.”

“Oh, what about using the 100% of his ability?” Oikawa narrowed his eyes. 

“It's not his ability that I don't like, he's actually really easy to handle, you know it. It’s just, apparently things are complicated with Keiiji-chan lately? So really, he’s way too much to handle at the moment,” Oikawa smiled, “Then there's Ushiwaka-chan, demanding attention and tosses like he’s always been and like, you've got to be kidding me, you don't get to tell me how to play for fuck's sake.” Iwaizumi laughed, throwing his head back and all. Oikawa looked at him, eyes half lidded, following the shape of his jaw and his throat. God, it was… quite the sight. He felt his heart warming, Iwaizumi's laugh music to his ears. Every single drop of anxiety disappeared. 

“I bet you have tons of new stories,” 

“Oh, you'd win that bet. Did I tell you about that time he stopped the match because I made a faint instead of giving him the toss?”

“No?”

“He did. It was just practice but he just stood there, cross armed and glaring at me like it just insulted his father or god knows what,” Oikawa shakes his head at the memory, “Then he goes all: 'I could've scored that’, and I was like: 'uh, yeah, but I did, does it even matter?, we scored anyway’ and he pouted and, can you believe that guy? So self-centered.”

“Reminds me of someone,”

“Uhh, don't think too hard, something might pop in that head of yours,” 

It happened. Iwaizumi poked, hard, Oikawa's side so fast Oikawa didn't even see it coming, but then there was pain and he was squealing and everything felt so… normal. 

“Iwa-chan, you brute!”

“Shut up, _Bakakawa,_ you earned that yourself.” Oikawa pulled out his tongue, rubbing the side with his hand to soothe the pain, pouting. 

“So mean, Iwa-chan doesn't see me for so long and it's so mean,”

“Oh, stop whining,” Iwaizumi rolls his eyes, but he's smiling and Oikawa felt his insides melt, “Oh, right. I wanted to invite you, we're going to reunite the team and play during summer break, the brats from Karasuno are going so if you're still looking for revenge-”

“It's not revenge, we're drawn.”

“Or whatever, you should come. You know Seijoh is nothing without the Great King," Iwaizumi's voice let it clear he was making fun of him. Oikawa frowned.

“Okay, first off, shut up. You just remind me of Shrimpy. Second off,” a smile crawled to his lips without him realizing, “count me in.”

“Okay, I'll tell everyone. You just, do good in school-” Oikawa gasped.

“Just good?! When have I been _just good_?!” Iwaizumi blinked quietly.

“You know what, forget it. Sugawara-san can fill in for you,”

“Iwaizumi Hajime, don't you dare!” Iwaizumi smirked, again. Oikawa swallowed, “This is what is going to happen, I'll be top class at school as I am always, actually. Then I'll go during summer break and we'll kick Karasuno’s asses.”

“Talking about being self-centered,”

“Excuse you, I'm not self-centered,” Iwaizumi patted Oikawa's shoulder.

“Whatever that lets you sleep at night.”

He felt it. The butterflies. _Oh, fuck._

Oikawa happened to remember how Iwaizumi was five centimeters shorter, how he didn't have to look up. He, then, remembered how Iwaizumi was the big spoon anyway and their legs were always a tangled mess, and the sun kissed skin felt so warm under his fingertips, just like it feels through the thin layer of fabric. His heart started to beat painfully. 

Then Iwaizumi frowned, because of course Oikawa was giving off a weird scent, and of course his scent glands would be strong because he was a weird omega. Then he felt it all. The stress, the pregnancy, the need, the loneliness. And Iwaizumi was asking what was wrong but there was a huge knot in Oikawa's throat and all he wanted, all he needed was to be hugged because, what was right? 

No, he wanted Iwaizumi to hug him, to poke him and call him stupid nicknames and, Jesus Christ, how long had been he feeling like that? And why wasn't Iwaizumi hugging him?!

He felt his skin crawling Iwaizumi's touch, and suddenly his chest felt empty and heavy like it hadn't felt in weeks, the air wasn't getting to his lungs, his pulse started to beat painfully in his ears. 

Oikawa was in front of Iwaizumi and all he could think about was hugging him, kissing him and begging for forgiveness, yet Iwaizumi was worried… as a friend, probably. Not necessarily but, maybe? He seemed fine, not like last time, not at all (he seemed really out of it back then). So maybe he had gotten over him? Maybe he even had another omega? 

His throat went dry. And well, it was an awful feeling because he had done the same, right? He had found an alpha and moved on but then, why did he feel like an abandoned puppy? Why did it hurt so much to have Iwaizumi there, _not fucking hugging the panic attack away from him?_ Why did his body, his mind react this way after so long?

Oikawa blinked the tears and opened his mouth to (try to) speak when he was tugged into a hug. Big arms holding him, calming scent enveloping him, warmth against his back. It was Ushijima, but it felt wrong. 

It shouldn't feel wrong. 

So he pulled away, forcefully, and as soon as he was free, he started to run. 

He ran, he tripped, he stood up and ran again because it didn't matter to get hurt. He had to get away from that. 

From his own feelings. 

That night, back home, ignoring calls and texts, Oikawa cried himself to sleep, again, because he realized how much he (really really) missed Iwaizum. He realized how much he (fucking hell) regretted his decisions, how much he still loved Iwaizumi. After all these months, after all these dates and kissed with someone else.

Iwaizumi never became his mate, they never bonded, but Oikawa thought that maybe there was another type of bond between them. Something not as physical and chemical, something more emotional… like their souls were attached.

No.

Like _his_ soul was attached. 

Oikawa felt the fear crept over his heart when thought of that, of letting go and hurting the person he loved the most. He had fucked up, for good. There was no happy ending, no second chances. 

What happened with Iwaizumi being the love of his life?

He had lost something really precious, and there was no turning back. That thought alone was enough to terrify him.

•••

Oikawa, for once, had to things right. It shouldn't be so hard, you know. Doing what makes you breathe at ease, it should be something simple. You face the problem, you fix it and continue. But no, he had to run away, circling back to it anyway because the world it’s round, so what was he expecting, really, running from Ushijima like that? 

He was an idiot, he really was. 

“Tooru, you need to calm down,” Semi soothed Oikawa, slowly, he was really the best one doing these kind of things.

“You don't need to be nice, I know you're mad at me,” Oikawa mumbled, his voice was muffled against his knees, having half his face buried between them and his arms hugging his legs tightly against his chest. 

Semi clenched his jaw, and there was silence. The omega was obviously thinking of what to say. 

“I'm not mad…”

“It's okay, really. I'm mad at myself too,” he dropped his feet to the ground, put both hands on either side of the bed, gripping at the edge, “What was I thinking?”

“You weren't.” Oikawa smiled.

“Yeah, I wasn't,” the omega looked up, to Semi's ceiling, “I wasn't aware… I mean, last time I saw him, he wasn't himself and I had hurt him so badly,” he sighed, “And then I was so stressed with the baby and then he wasn't there. But Ushijima was.”

“Oikawa…” It was a warning, Oikawa sighed, “I tried to convince Wakatoshi to not ask you out. But he never really listens to me, or well, anyone. So of course he did anyway, and you had to accept him. You don't even like-”

“I like him,” Oikawa frowned, but he didn't look at Semi, “I do, I swear I do.” 

Silence. Oikawa had come to Semi’s place at midnight and the omega let him in without second guessing, he made coffee and brought him to his room. 

Semi knew what happened, he was there. Everyone was there. 

“Eita-chan, I swear I didn't know I still held this feeling for him,” Oikawa's voice was a whisper, “Not even once I thought of back then when we were together, not even once. But then he's touching me, laughing, smirking, and it's just like how it used to be. And it's too much. And now it's not just memories, there are sensations too and I-” Oikawa covered his face. He slid off to the ground, leaning his back against Semi's bed and rocking his body back and forth. 

“Oikawa, you need to calm-,” Semi's voice came to a stop, then Oikawa felt the fingers tugging at his t-shirt and a small gasp, “You're using patches?” 

“Yeah,” Oikawa rested his cheek on top of his knees, “Gonna use them from now on. I'm sick tired of my glands scents.” 

“But that's… what for'” 

“I'm just... tired.” 

“What kind of nonse-”

“I don't even know anymore,” Oikawa interrupted, “I keep doing things wrong. Omegas are supposed to be protective and caring, nicer and not selfish and self-centered like I am.”

"Why would you have to be like every omega?! Since when omegas are all just the same?!" Semi all but yelled, Oikawa looked at the omega with big eyes and felt like someone just had slapped him. No one talked then.

Silence. Lately Oikawa felt the silence nerve-racking. He longed for noise, sense of direction, equilibrium, vibrations. He couldn't stand the silence anymore, it was frustrating. It meant that there were things left unsaid. Something should be said but is not being said. It means they either don't know it or are hiding it from you. It didn't make him feel okay.

“Okay, listen. Don't be so harsh on yourself, Oikawa, really. You don't deserve it," Semi made a small pause, "You should talk with- No, forget the 'should'. Go talk with him. Not buts. You don't actually know how the alpha feels unless you ask him, who would've guessed, right? Something as easy as talking…”

“Okay, got it,” Oikawa cut off, sighing. Something told him he was never seeing the end of his miscommunication issues.

“Now, you text Wakatoshi and meet with him and finish this. Don't get his hopes any higher. You apologize and explain your feelings,”

“That might be too much, don't you think?” Semi rolled his eyes this time.

“No. It's okay, he needs to know. As your current partner, he needs to know your actual feelings, even if they're bad news for your relationship,” Semi took a sip of the mug he had in the night stand, then sighed, “It's just, I find this really… ridiculous. I keep remembering what you said that day, you know? You were hell bent on breaking up with him. And I thought it was ridiculous, it was all about communication and you… you just ran away. You went as far as to lie to him and even start a new relationship, so I don't understand why-”

“I was scared…”

“Yes, I get that, but-”

“No, I was scared of us. What we had. I was afraid of not being enough for him…” 

“That's even more ridiculous,” Semi scoffed. Oikawa nodded in agreement and groaned, throwing his head back onto the mattress, Semi stood up, “You're a fool for assuming other's feelings. Whether you're enough for your partner or not, that's not your choice to make. If Iwaizumi ever told you you were right for him, then you were, and that's that. Period. You let your insecurities get the best of you and you hurt him, hurt you and hurt someone else in the process. That's what happens when you _don't communicate._ ” 

Oikawa nodded again, letting the words sink in. He was right. And worst part was, Oikawa knew it. He closed his eyes. _You're human._ He breathed deeply. _You'll be okay._ He let out a sigh.

Just there, in Semi’s room. God, he wanted to never leave that place. Oikawa truly hoped that time would stop right there, so he would never have to face Ushijima, or Iwaizumi, or his Mom, or his Dad. Or himself. He breathed slowly, feeling his chest rise and fall while he looked at nothing. Oh, no, he wasn’t ready. Oikawa didn’t know anymore how to handle feelings, did he ever know to start with? Probably not. So he had no idea of what to do, but he couldn’t keep hurting people. That was the only thing he could handle right now.

“Yes, okay,” Oikawa mumbled, sitting straight, “Okay. What now?”

“Now you fix everything,”

He could try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my mom bought me a new lap! Idk what does it has to do xd just wanted to tell you. Guys, lemme tell you something about college: it's wonderful but sucks at the same time and, yes, i don't understand how either. Also, i really really really love Semi and I'll have you know Oikawa without Semi is nothing in this fic xd yup.


	9. You've got time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things were alright. Not okay, but alright, yes. Because there in Miyagi Oikawa felt like could be himself— not like he couldn’t in Tokyo, and it wasn’t like he was faking it either. It was… complicated. There was less pressure, less stress, it didn’t feel wrong to be broken and have feelings. It was as if his home was reminding him to be gentle with himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while!
> 
> 27.08.2017: edited.

Oikawa wanted candy. He wanted lollipops and chocolate. He didn't know why, but the day after he talked with Semi he went to his closest convenience store and bought as much as possible. He had eaten so much candy the past few days he was sure he was going to get sick. And maybe even a little fat. It didn't matter, to be completely honest. There was something really calming from having something sweet melting in his mouth, against his tongue, something he wasn’t ready to give away yet. Candy was like a miracle from heaven, how come he never realized?

He had talked with Ushijima, it had been so… strange. Oikawa was troubled, he was uneasy, but the feeling wasn't nothing like what he felt when he called Iwaizumi that day. He even felt relieved, which made him feel a little bad, because sure, he liked Ushijima's scent, he liked to kiss him and caress his hair, but he felt like it wasn't his place to do that (never was in the first place). 

Something Oikawa did learn, finally, was that he _had_ to trust his intuition. 

One would think that he would have learnt earlier, being the fact that he was really good reading people and situations a given. But no. He probably has never been wrong, never missed anything and _still_ he would ignore his gut and do what “seemed correct”. Even Oikawa acknowledged how stupid he was.

“I'm home,” Oikawa announced himself, closing the door behind him and pulling along his case, his parents’ house was as clean and tidy as ever. Oikawa pulled out the lollipop from his mouth, looking for any of his parents. 

“Welcome home, Tooru,” his Dad popped out of the kitchen and walked over to meet Oikawa in an embrace. Oikawa buried his nose in her hair, he always loved how his Dad smelled, “Did you have a nice trip?”

“Yup, it was. Where's Mom?” his voice came weird from the candy in his mouth. 

“Your mother…,” his Dad sighed, “she went out to buy food, I think? I know she just wants to be away from me.” 

Oikawa's Dad was a female alpha that came from a big family. Oikawa's grandparents were best friends since always and they engaged their eldest children to finally become one family. Funny thing, is they ended up fighting over a little thing, now hated each other and probably were paying the karma of having their children marrying against their will. Oikawa's Dad, nevertheless, was a good husband to his mother, she was never unfaithful nor aggressive, possessive or sexist, and Oikawa was grateful for it. And even though his parents didn't love each other, they did love Tooru, so he never felt any lack of affection.

“Then, I'll go up and unpack…”

“Okay, honey. I’m making sandwiches so I’ll bring them to you, okay? And you can tell me how you’ve been,”

Oikawa loved his Mom, he did, really, but if he had to choose someone, and god never let him _have_ to choose someone, he would choose his Dad, and god never let his Mom find out either. 

Oikawa knew he was just like his mother, minus the years of experience and maturity. And her love for plants. Really, Oikawa knew she had some daisies in her backyard that she loved more than Oikawa himself, and it was actually because his mother wasn’t a able to lie at all, so if you asked her something she would either tell you the truth or avoid the question, unlike his Dad who was like a tomb or something when it came to secrets or opinions. 

Oikawa’s Dad was everything Oikawa would never be. She was calm, educated, steady, she was kind and honest, and quiet, actually. She was a good listener, and she gave the best advices. Oikawa liked to think that under other circumstances, his parents would actually had fallen in love, because whether they’d like to admit it or not, they were meant for each other. It was a shame it never grew between them because of that obligation implied. Things as fragile as love weren’t meant to be forced. 

God, he had so much to learn.

By the time his Dad showed up, Oikawa had finished his third lollipop while checking his old journals. He sat eagerly and took the plate his Dad was offering realizing how hungry he really was. Oikawa finished the three sandwiches in what felt like two bites and his Dad was actually amused.

“Kid, are you eating properly up there in Tokyo? Should I worry?” Oikawa laughed, his heart beating warmly with fondness. Gods, did he miss his Dad. He put the plate aside and downed the juice his Dad offered him, “Do you want me to move in with you, too? I wouldn’t mind, it’s true that I could take better care of you that way.”

Oikawa didn’t answer, he put away the empty glass and immediately leaned down to lay on bed, resting his head on his Dad’s lap. His Dad slid his fingers between Oikawa’s hair and the omega closed his eyes. 

One of the main reasons of why Oikawa loved his Dad so much was because he didn’t fit in the stereotype of an alpha. Not only that, but he wouldn’t fit as an omega or a beta either. She had no role in society, had told Oikawa once, and that was something Oikawa had gotten stuck into his skull since then. Like that, Oikawa wanted to be like that. Because his Dad wasn’t a gender, she was a human. And that was something easier said than done. So she would stroke Oikawa’s hair and feel like she was an omega but not really, because she wasn’t any of those.

Transgender they called it. His Dad was transgender, non-tertiary. Oikawa had thought about that a lot since his last talk with Semi.

“So, kid, how have you been?” her voice was actually very soft, it was steadying. 

“Well,” Oikawa took a deep breath and told her. 

It wasn’t hard, words came naturally. Her Dad would hum from time to time, as if to let Oikawa know she was really listening, but aside from that, she said nothing. It was better that way, somehow. It reminded him from that day when he did the same with Ushijima. It was obviously different, though, for a handful of things, actually. 

“Ah, kid. You’ve been going through a lot, haven’t you,” Oikawa really liked to be spoiled like this, he hummed. There was silence, his Dad was thinking, “Tooru, are you really happy in Tokyo?”

Oikawa blinked at the ceiling, taking in the question. He frowned slightly while the words kept reverberating in his head. His dad probably didn’t mean anything by it, she just wanted to make sure her child was okay, and it was actually a very simple question. Three words, no implications behind it, the answer should be a simple ‘yes’ because, well, he was, wasn’t he?

Classes were good, he had Semi, he had volleyball. He had Kuroo and Bokuto (aka the bane of his existence). He had so many people that cared for him, made sure to make him laugh and make him feel at ease. Oikawa woke up every day and got dressed, he ate something before leaving and when he arrived he would do homework —not necessarily willingly, and yes he would procrastinate from time to time, but it never really felt like a burden. Things were good, Tokyo was good, it was fun, he liked the food and the restaurants, the lights, the noise, the people, the weather and yet—

Yet that simple ‘yes’ wasn’t coming out.

He wasn’t sure, to begin with, and that meant a lot. But more than that, he thought of how much he had started to hate the silence; how uncomfortable it made him feel, how sad and distressed. Oikawa came every day to his home and would put on the radio or the tv just to fill in the goddamn silence. He would make sure to hum a song or even think out loud— anything but silence. But—

The moment the realization hit him over felt like a sting in the mouth of his stomach and he had to actually straighten and sit on the border of the bed, his heart suddenly beating erratically. He looked at his Dad who was looking at him too, with worried eyes but a calm expression, but specially a very shut mouth.

The room was filled with silence, just the faint humming of the washing machine and Oikawa’s pounding heart. There was silence surrounding him and he wasn’t having a panic attack, wasn’t even close to one. He started to breath heavily, how was it possibly that when it came down to him he would just ignore things he would never miss in others’ behavior? Just exactly how much had he neglected his own feelings? And why? He couldn’t understand, there was a lump growing in the back of his throat as his eyes filled with water and yet he couldn’t understand how come he never realized he never felt like home at Tokyo, but the moment he arrived to Miyagi his lungs filled with air. And there, at his old room with his clothes sprayed out on his old bed, silence and all, there he felt at home.

Oh, so that was it.

Oikawa’s Dad raised a hand that brushed Oikawa’s hair out of his forehead, she smiled a little, “Are you feeling lonely, by any chance?” Oikawa smiled even though he knew it was filled with sadness and nodded, trying really hard not to cry. He needed to stop denying it hadn't he?

“You have no idea,” he managed to say and his father's smile widened, she dragged Oikawa’s head back to her lap, and Oikawa let her. 

Finally accepting it felt good. How lonely he felt, how sad that made him. His Dad told him that no one was expecting of him the impossible, that no one was expecting him to be okay all the time and that he should pay more attention to his own feelings, and Oikawa kind of cried until his Mom came back.

And then there was a dinner that wasn’t going to make itself, and the constant tug of war between his parents who were sweet and tender with him anyway. And Oikawa learnt about the things he had missed, how apparently Sugawara’s mother was waiting another child and how the Hinata kid was doing so well in volleyball (not that Oikawa minded but he wasn’t exactly interested and— yeah, he did mind).

Just like that, things were alright. Not okay, but alright, yes. Because there in Miyagi Oikawa felt like could be himself— not like he couldn’t in Tokyo, and it wasn’t like he was faking it either. It was… complicated. There was less pressure, less stress, it didn’t feel wrong to be broken and have feelings. It was as if his home was reminding him to be gentle with himself.

So yeah, Oikawa was sad. He had done wrong. He felt guilty. He wanted to keep on moving, he was ready to forgive himself and try again.

Now, exactly where did Iwaizumi fit in that? Well, he had three days to figure it out. 

Next morning, he felt actually great. He tagged along with his Dad to make some errands (Oikawa’s Dad was an interior designer and she liked to do a makeover every year) and he kind of enjoyed himself, specially because his dad kept asking for opinions and Oikawa was pretty much useless in everything slightly related (Dad, I’m sure they’re the exact same shade of blue, what do you mean they’re not — God, you’re such a son of your Mother, I swear to god, that woman is just as blind as you are), so in the end he was used as a bag carrier.

“Are you going to see with Iwaizumi then?” his Dad asked while she was caressing two different types of fabric, trying to choose which one she liked more, “I wonder if you’re ready?”

Oikawa thought of it. He had already met with Iwaizumi (he ended up running away) and he was in constant contact with him (even though he hadn’t texted him since he had arrived to Miyagi), and it was going to be a simple match, wasn’t it? His stomach stirred pleasantly at the thought, a small smile crept to his lips. The idea of playing with Iwaizumi next to him again was buzzing through his veins.

“Yeah, I think I am,”

“How ready are you, in a scale of one to ten?” his Dad turned to look at him with a serious face. She was only slightly smaller than him and Oikawa frowned a little. He opened his mouth to answer but she cut him, “I hope at least an eight because he’s walking toward us right now,”

Oikawa’s brain stopped working. He actually blinked three times processing the words that came out of his Dad’s mouth and then his body turned on its own. And he smelled him before seeing him, but there he was. Iwaizumi was walking towards him with an amused expression (maybe even kind of hurt) and was tugging at his own sleeves. Oikawa couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Oikawa and… er, Oikawa-san,” Iwaizumi bowed slightly, Oikawa looked the way his Dad smiled and waved a hand dismissing him, “How are you,”

“We’re good, Iwaizumi-kun. Annual house makeover,”

“Right,” Iwaizumi smiled and Oikawa felt like the view stole a few hours from him, “Well, my mom is going to make a nursery, actually, out of my Dad's studio. So she's buying stuff. Oh, she’s pregnant,” Oikawa blinked, and his Dad covered his mouth with his hand, smiling broadly.

“Well, that’s amazing, Iwaizumi-kun!” she chirped, “Oh, I’ll go congratulate her right away! I’m so glad, so glad,” she directed Oikawa a glance before walking away and leaving them both alone. Oikawa repressed a sigh, but rolled his eyes anyway.

“Congrats, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa tilted his head while smiling when Iwaizumi’s attention was back to him.

“Yeah, thanks,” Iwaizumi hid his hands in the pocket of his jacket and looked at his feet, “You… didn’t tell me you were coming to Miyagi,”

“Oh, it was a surprise!” Oikawa laughed a little, “Surprise!” Iwaizumi looked at him again and even though he was trying to hide it, Oikawa could see just how worried he was. He cleared his throat and changed the weight of his body. He was trying to say something, and Oikawa should wait patiently for him to be able to do it. He didn’t mind, really, he would wait as much as necessary.

“Well… last time we saw each other you,” Iwaizumi groaned, and scratched the back of his neck, “I mean, I didn’t mean to— I thought you wouldn’t—,” he ran a hand through his hair and Oikawa tried not to laugh at the way his hair just came back to the same position, “Are you okay?”

Well, that was _the_ question, wasn’t it? Was he? Oikawa took a second to look at Iwaizumi, who looked at him with worried eyes. He felt his heart melt, beating contently, and he just wanted to pull him into a hug. Which he did —if last time he had refrained himself, well, it wasn't about to happen again. Not when it did more harm than good anyway.

Oh, right. Iwaizumi was so warm. And he kind of fit perfectly against him, his arms finding his way around him with such an ease, and, sure, Oikawa didn’t miss the way Iwaizumi gasped but quickly hugged him back anyway, and suddenly he was holding him so dearly, that Oikawa felt like he was something really precious.

He doesn’t know who started to shake first, maybe both? But Oikawa took in Iwaizumi’s scent and felt the alpha’s grip tighten when he (probably) didn’t feel his, stirring and trying to pull away, which Oikawa didn’t allow him.

“Oikawa?”

“Hush Iwa-chan,”

The way Oikawa felt in that moment —light-headed, heart pounding, his body warm despite the a/c in the store, it made him feel at ease. Something ached inside of him when he realized that it was the way he wanted to feel every day, all the time. That same thing urged him to get it back.

“Tooru?”

“Hajime, it’s alright,” he pulled away, smiling, “we’ll talk about it, okay? Not now, but we will. I’m alright, and it’s alright, just not okay. But don’t worry, I’ll fix it, okay?”

Iwaizumi seemed full of questions, Oikawa could practically see them pilling up one after another behind his eyes and he didn’t miss the way his eyes roamed to his neck and if he saw the patches covering Oikawa’s scent glands, he didn’t mention it. He just nodded, eventually, and let out a sigh.

“Let’s find our parents before they buy the whole store, shall we?”

“Yessir.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A month and like two weeks? Wah, life sucks. Sorry, really.  
> So, Oikawa has two moms and the alpha is the dad, I hope no one feels triggered? it's just saying mom-mom would be really confusing, wouldn't it? and since one of them is an alpha, well... now, i know i wrote something about she being transgender but kept using femenine pronous, again, it's to make it easier to read. Please don't get mad at me, i really respect the lgbt+ community as i'm part of it myself, so yeah. 
> 
> I had like 30% of this then i answered comments and felt so inspired anddd my teacher cancelled my english class so as soon as i arrived home i started to write and this happened(? For some reason I feel like maybe my style has changed a little during the past month? Does anyone feel the same, though? Okayyyyy, let's begin with the fluff bc omg writting fluff makes me so soft and omg i'm such a sucker for fluff and djaskldjakl okay, this is long. Sorry for taking a month again, i'll work hard so our babies are together again <3 thanks for keeping up with me omg ily all


	10. Stop covering your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn’t the fact that the time he finally got to spend with Oikawa in a normal kind of way (nobody crying, nobody running away) was going away like that. No, it was the way it all felt so _fake._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my definition of things getting better  
> Feel free to yell at me
> 
>  
> 
> Also, surprise? This takes a few days after Iwaizumi's and Oikawa's encounter back in Miyagi.
> 
> 27.08.2017: in the later chapters i've found less and less mistakes, I'm proud of me fam. This thing has 300+ kudos omfg.

Iwaizumi was lost. No, he didn't _feel_ lost, he was literally lost, but yeah, sure, that too. 

He had walked and walked, and probably he didn't feel his feet anymore but he wasn't really aware of it. He was so numb, his chest felt so heavy, his head was clouded and he couldn't understand his own thoughts. It was all a whirl of emotions which was giving him a beautiful headache. 

Not that he cared. 

He was breathing slowly, while looking at the buildings in front of him without recognizing them and moving without realizing it. He just didn't want to stay still, so he walked. He didn't want to think, so he didn't. It was simple. 

But who was he kidding, really? There was probably no one who believed his facade of bravado, there was probably no one who thought he was as fine as he seemed. Iwaizumi wasn't especially good at hiding his own feelings, after all. But he was trying, damn he was trying. 

He had been trying ever since that morning. To not fall apart, to not breakdown (again), to not give in. To keep on living.

And it took everything of him. To wake up in the cold light of morning and feeling like it's simply not worth it, like staying in his bed was better. Like it was safe, as if under these sheets no one could hurt him, or abandon him, or break him. It was easier to just give in, especially because willing his limbs to move or his brain to work properly was much of a hassle, but he tried anyway, he couldn’t bear the idea of not even trying. 

He would have to try, even if it stayed like that, in _just_ trying. 

Iwaizumi was jerked to the side and, startled, turned around quickly, meeting with furrowed brows, “I’ve been calling you, Iwaizumi-san,” Iwaizumi frowned too and rubbed his face trying to calm down the spike of adrenaline that had rushed over him. This guy, for fucks sake, was going to kill him one day. 

“Sorry, Sugawara-san,” the omega in front of him sighed, rolling his eyes, and crossed his arms. He looked up and down Iwaizumi and shook his head disapprovingly. 

“You look awful. What are you doing here?” 

“I wanted to walk for a while,” he trailed off. Sugawara quirked a brow. He was having none of it. “I got lost.” 

“Figures,” Sugawara shook his head again, “It's scary. I've told you you mustn't zone out like that, it's dangerous!” 

“It's not like I can help it. I'm trying,” _at least._ Sugawara pursed his lips in a thin line, obviously wanting to say something more but weighing down the consequences. He let out a sigh, and looked away. It was a no, then.

“If you're wasting time I take it as you have nothing to take care of,” Sugawara stated, he looked back at him and smiled a little for the first time. Iwaizumi let out a bit of air, relieved, “Let's have lunch.”

Iwaizumi wanted to decline, because he wasn't hungry and yes, he had eaten properly before getting out of his house that morning, but Sugawara mentioned it was lunch time (and by the position of the sun, he was pretty much right), so that meant he had been walking almost six hours straight so his body probably needed the refill even if his mind decided against it. Plus, it was Sugawara we were talking about, his words weren't much of a question (weren't a question at all) as much as they were a statement. 

He simply nodded and followed Sugawara when he started to walk away. One whole semester taught Iwaizumi there were some fights that weren't worth fighting against Sugawara Koushi. Food, rest, health and candy were those kind of fights. 

“What are you doing here, Sugawara-san?” 

“My mom wanted to pick a specific dish and basically forced me to go get it for her, that woman. She's lucky I love her,” Iwaizumi's headache was getting worse. He walked silently after the omega, feeling the constant hammering against his temples. Suddenly, he just wanted to go home, “What's gotten you so quiet?”

“I woke up really early,” that wasn't true, he had stayed awake until six am and then decided to go for a walk. Not the healthiest behavior but he wasn't going to tell Sugawara that, it'd be like digging his own grave. If Sugawara saw the lie behind his words, he didn’t mention it. They arrived to a small restaurant which was almost at its capacity, found an empty table and sat waiting patiently for a worker to take their order. 

“How’s your Mom doing?”

“She’s terrified,” Sugawara almost snorted, but he kept it in, “it’s been too long since she was last pregnant. I mean, Haruko is six now,”

“Aw, Haruko-chan,” Sugawara scrunched his nose, “God, I need to go visit her again sometime,”

“God, please do. She adores you. She’s been pestering me about bringing you back home so much I kind of want to do the opposite,” 

“So petty,” Iwaizumi shrugged one shoulder. Sugawara seemed like he wanted to say something else but in that moment the waitress came to take their order. Sugawara ordered for them both and Iwaizumi couldn’t hold back the warm feeling that spread over his chest when Sugawara’s decision just fit his taste. When the waitress left, Sugawara looked at him smiling.

“Speaking of mothers, how’s yours?”

“Well, quite the opposite of yours,” Sugawara’s smile widened, “I mean, she’s been through this so much it’s to be expected. The doctor said she’s probably having twins this time and I’m so glad I moved from that house,” his words didn’t hold any venom to them, if anything they were soft and fluffy. God, Sugawara himself seemed like a marshmallow whenever he talked about his younger siblings, the new ones weren’t the exception. 

“I’m glad,” Iwaizumi nodded. He thought of his upcoming little sister or brother and all he felt was an awkwardness to it. He was excited, of course, and he loved the glow her mother had acquired, the happiness she portrayed (even if it faded in the night when she couldn’t sleep, or when she complained about not being able to eat anything, or when she rushed to the bathroom cursing her bladder), even if she was scared at the same time. 

Iwaizumi felt weird, anyway, because this was a new little human being we were talking about. The idea of it having to hold a relationship with Iwaizumi just because made him feel kind of uneasy. It was a sibling a literal lifetime younger, no less. Haruko probably wouldn’t feel the difference that much because she was still a kid, and even though she probably would feel it a few years later, because six years is a big gap one way or another. Iwaizumi was an adult, young adult. How was he supposed to fit in the life of a newborn baby? He hardly fit in Haruko’s. 

Damn, he hardly fit in his own life.

“And, there you go again,” Sugawara smirked, “So quiet. I’m starting to believe you’re mad at me or something.”

Iwaizumi smiled a little, and took a deep breath before talking again, “Just thinking,” Sugawara tilted his head, looking at him with inquisitive eyes. 

“Did something happen?” Sugawara seemed to realize his bad phrasing because he shook his head and tried again, “Did something happen with Oikawa-san?”

There was a pang that stung in Iwaizumi’s chest whenever he heard the name, it just about stole some air of his lungs and made his throat tighten a little. His smile hesitated and that was as much of an answer as any but he shrugged again, while shaking his head. 

“It’s just… same old,” he said, and took the paper napkin next to him. He started to tear the little thing in pieces, not bearing having his hands still. He heard Sugawara sigh. He added, “He’s back in Miyagi.” 

“I understand you want to talk with him,” Sugawara prompted an elbow on the table and cupped his face with his hand, “I just wonder if you should wait a little?” 

“What for?” 

Sugawara didn’t answer immediately, instead he looked at Iwaizumi for a few seconds before sighing, “I don’t know, Iwaizumi. Wait for you to heal, wait for him to heal? Just wait in general? You know how time heals everything,” Iwaizumi didn’t answer, he looked down and focused on tearing the napkin apart. Sugawara sighed again, “I know, I know. You’re an impatient little shit,” 

Iwaizumi pursued his lips and frowned. He wanted to remark Sugawara his words choice because _language, please,_ but didn’t say anything. He kind of didn’t have the right to do so, anyway. After all, it had been Sugawara who had picked him up from the bottom. 

It had been Sugawara who barged in Iwaizumi’s room, who threw him into the shower, forced him to get dressed and threatened with triturate his food and shove it down his throat if he didn’t eat it all every single day during half a month. He never listened to the complaints, never let Iwaizumi get his way. Unwavering, unnerving and stubborn, he put Iwaizumi back to his tracks and the alpha was sure without Sugawara, he would still be the depressed mess he was half a year ago.

Not that he wasn’t depressed, not that he wasn’t a mess, but at least he was trying, because Iwaizumi’s life was all about trying. 

The omega proclaimed Iwaizumi wasn’t in the state of taking care of himself, so Sugawara gave himself the job to do so. He was the first to notice when Iwaizumi became antsy, he was the first to notice when he started to skip meals and have trouble sleeping at night. Sugawara became a regular into his life, along with Daichi, and Asahi. 

There were a bunch of things that Iwaizumi didn’t understand about Sugawara. Why did he care, for instance? They weren’t really close before the whole Oikawa mess happened, Sugawara just happened to be there that morning when Oikawa called him and when Iwaizumi was having a panic attack because of it, he took him to the bathroom. It was all it took, for some reason, and Iwaizumi simply didn’t understand. 

He didn’t understand either how come he came to good terms with Sugawara’s behavior. Iwaizumi knew his coping mechanism, had dealt with it his whole life and it usually didn’t affect his day by day, so having someone telling him that no, he couldn’t just avoid the problem as if nothing had happened, someone questioning him until he felt the anger and frustration buzzing in his veins because, how is any of this his business anyway? Was something Iwaizumi didn’t ever expect to be okay with. Iwaizumi wouldn’t have ever expected to just shut up and listen. Just the prove of how much this whole thing had broken him. 

“I just don’t want to don’t do anything, I can’t stand it,” Iwaizumi didn’t miss to catch the way Sugawara looked down at the mess Iwaizumi was causing, then looked up at him again. 

“Yes, I know. It’s not like my opinion matters, anyway, does it?” he arched a brow, his eyes got that scolding shine Iwaizumi had come to know so well the past few months, “You always do whatever you just want,” and there was an implication lingering behind Sugawara’s words, Iwaizumi knew it well.

“It matters,” Sugawara squinted his eyes.

“Such a liar,” and Iwaizumi didn’t have time to defend himself because the food arrived, and when the waitress left, Sugawara dismissed with a flick of his wrist. So Iwaizumi picked his chopsticks and started to eat silently, wondering why he had this bad habit of doing things wrong.

•••

“Have you talked with Tooru-kun yet?” his mother sweetly asked one morning while she was serving his breakfast. It was Saturday and Iwaizumi always came home on Saturdays, because the dorms felt too dull anyway and he really didn’t like the feeling he got of being just part of a machine whenever he just went from the bed to the cafeteria for food, then to the library then again for food and went back to sleep. He wasn’t a robot and his house wasn’t that far away for him to not come back to it. Plus, he’d soon wrap up his semester and he’d have a two months or so to rest. 

It wasn’t always like that, of course. Before, Iwaizumi would go all the way to Tokyo and stay the weekend over there, which meant he had to do all of his homework during the week to be able to just laze around Oikawa’s place. 

That morning Iwaizumi knocked the door of his own house, his mother knew something wasn’t okay. Because that’s what moms do anyway, isn’t? They just… kind of know everything. 

“I haven’t,” his mother sighed and gently placed a mug with coffee next to Iwaizumi. 

“What is it that you want to talk with him, again?” Iwaizumi took air in. 

“Last time I saw him,” he started to cut his food with the silverware, “Last time I saw him, he was with his new alpha,” 

“That scary guy from that team you guys hated,”

“Exactly,” Iwaizumi nodded, “Yes, so. He didn’t seem comfortable about it? Like, he was clearly uneasy. He ended up running away, and all, and I mean, we’re supposed to be friends—”, his mother scoffed, “So he shouldn’t feel like that around me. I mean, it hurts? Obviously? But I don’t want him faking it for me.” 

His mother hummed and looked at him for a while, she even came to cup her face in her hand in order to keep doing so. Her dark eyes were digging right into Iwaizumi’s soul and he suppressed a shiver because, it was his mother, she wasn’t going to judge him. She finally let out a sigh.

“You’re such a nice kid,” Iwaizumi looked at her with a frown, she rolled her eyes, “I mean it. How did I manage to raise such a good kid, I wonder? You’re so concerned for Tooru-kun’s feelings you’re willing to step over your own,” she said with a sad smile, Iwaizumi felt the pang of guilt again, “It’s just, you should be pissed, you should be so mad, you should hate him and bad mouth him, I don’t know. I wonder where you are taking all the pain to,” Iwaizumi filled his mouth with food. He knew this very well, everyone had told him literally the same thing. At his silence, his mother hummed, “You don’t want to lose him, do you,” 

Iwaizumi swallowed and shook his head, “Mom, he’s my best friend,”

“He _left_ you,” Iwaizumi tried to ignore the way his heart shrugged so painfully. 

“And what was he supposed to do, then?” Iwaizumi deadpanned, “Pretend? If he didn’t love me anymore then he didn’t love me anymore. It’s not the kind of things you can actually hand, now is it?” his mother pursed her lips. Her face softened and after a few seconds, her lips quirked in a small smile.

“Ah, such a great kid, indeed,” she reached over the table and wrapped her fingers around Iwaizumi’s wrist and squeezed it reassuringly. 

She let Iwaizumi finish his breakfast quietly.

•••

The concept of time was something Iwaizumi was having a hard time understanding lately. The alpha had came to the conclusion that it was more a sensation than an actual thing, because time could go very differently according the way someone was feeling. Like, for instance, how slow it was the last week of college, how fast it was the weekend. How slow was time when he was getting ready to meet with the team for the match, how fast the sets went and how fast the sun was already setting when it felt like minutes ago was just rising. Iwaizumi would knew because he couldn’t sleep so he stared out the window. 

It wasn’t the fact that the time he finally got to spend with Oikawa in a normal kind of way (nobody crying, nobody running away) was going away like that. No, it was the way it all felt so _fake._

Oikawa with his awful grins, as if trying to make everyone believe things were okay. His exaggerated reactions, his plastic laugh, how little he actually directed any words to Iwaizumi if they weren’t game-related. Iwaizumi knew this version of Oikawa and it was the one he hated the most. 

And honestly, Iwaizumi was having none of it. He was actually sick of it, to the point he felt his veins buzzing with frustration. It was really, really upsetting him, and he felt his whole body reacting to it. He needed to confront things, blame Sugawara for it, but he wasn’t one to wait around. He couldn’t, it wasn’t possible for him, not when the whole situation was making him so uneasy, not when he could change it just by talking. 

So, despite Sugawara’s warning gaze, he just snatched Oikawa away as soon as the last match was over, because honestly? He was sick of everyone walking on eggshells around him. Especially Oikawa. 

“What is it, Iwa-chan?” the omega looked so tired. He was cleaning his face with a hand towel.

“There’s no need for you to act like that,” he deadpanned, trying really hard to suppress the whirl of emotions that were flowing through him. Oikawa frowned.

“How?” 

“Like the smallest thing will set me off? Like if you don’t think well about what will come out of your mouth you’ll end up hurting me or something like that,” 

Oikawa seemed troubled, he started to nibble at his lower lip and wasn’t meeting Iwaizumi’s gaze. The noise was out there, there were people talking, there were squeaks, everyone was helping to clean up yet both of them were out here, trying to figure their stuff out. Iwaizumi took a moment to wonder how they ended up like that, when did things go so wrong. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to make things easier,” 

“And who asked you to do so?” Oikawa blinked once, twice, thrice and then looked down. Iwaizumi ignored the emptiness that was dwelling in his chest when he took air and spoke again, “I don’t need that. I’m good, really. I don’t want this, Oikawa. You, hiding stuff from me. Even if it hurts me, or whatever, I want to know because I care for you. You don’t need to hide your relationship or—”

“Relationship?” Oikawa looked at him, frowning. Iwaizumi tried not to feel hurt. 

“I was waiting for you to tell me you were dating Ushijima—”

“I’m not dating Ushijima,” And Iwaizumi could almost always read Oikawa’s expressions, but the way his eyes darkened and his lips pursued, his brow furrowed ever so slightly. Iwaizumi couldn’t understand what was going inside Oikawa’s head and that made his heart start to race in his chest. 

“You told me—”

“Yeah, well. You shouldn’t believe everything I say,” this time Oikawa definitely snapped. And then he looked at the skyline while shifting the weight of his body to his other foot. Iwaizumi thought he looked like he was about to cry, but he wasn’t quite sure because what Oikawa said made his heart stop for a second. 

He couldn’t quite process it all, he could hear his pulse on his ears and he felt like the frustration had faded completely from his body. Now he felt vulnerable and confused and— oh, this was the reason Sugawara told him to wait He would’ve laughed of himself if he weren’t so busy collapsing. 

“What?” He pushed all of his feelings aside, which wasn’t really easy, and tried to focus on whatever it was Oikawa had to say. The omega sighed, batting his eyes closed, and when he looked up at Iwaizumi, the words pain and regret were written all over his face.

“I’m sorry, Hajime. I’ve been lying to you.” 

Something switched off inside of Iwaizumi and he just nodded, “H-How long?” Oikawa seemed like he was really hurt, and Iwaizumi thought he should buy it. But should he, really.

“Since we broke up.”

“Since you left me,” Iwaizumi remarked. Oikawa gasped, his eyes widening.

“Iwa-chan—,” his voice was shaky. 

“What is going on?” Iwaizumi snapped. Oh, something between anger and disappointment was burning deep inside of him, and he was starting to visibly shake, “What the hell, Oikawa, is going on? _Why_ are you lying to me, and _what_ are you hiding from me?” 

Oikawa was frozen in place, all the color had been drained from his face and Iwaizumi noticed he was shaking. Iwaizumi also noticed he was baring his teeth, and he realized that the feeling that was running through his veins was his wolf tired of all this situation, wanting to take control and making things work out because they had to. Iwaizumi was practically barking at Oikawa and he was so hurt he didn’t even realize. 

“Iwaizumi, that’s enough,” he felt a hand placed on his shoulder and just then he realized how tense his muscles where. He felt the feeling subsiding inside of me and he took a few deep breaths while closing his eyes. Sugawara was looking at him with an expression somewhere between worry and empathy, and was trying to make him get into the gym. 

And so Iwaizumi did, without even glancing Oikawa back, without apologizing either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back then when I said I was thinking of changing some things of the fic I actually meant this xd adding an Iwaizumi pov as soon as Oikawa's conflict was resolved and, honestly? I think it's pretty much done. I mean, we've had nine episodes of Oikawa messing up again and again and we can all pretty much agree he's commited in doing things okay this time, right? So, for me, Oikawa's part is pretty much done here. Iwaizumi, on the other hand, is unexplored ground. So, from now on, it's all about Iwa-chan! 
> 
> So, we get to see how Iwa has been doing and it kind of seems it's not as good as we thought he was? Oh, but don't worry, I don't think Iwa-chan is the type of person to get all angst-ridden over stuff, he's pretty blunt and straightforward to me but still, srsly, how did you expect him to react? how would you react? there is no easy way to approach this, but besides from this chapter, it'll be light angst. AND I SWEAR THINGS WILL GET BETTER AND I SWEAR THERE WILL BE FLUFF.
> 
> God, I can't wait for the fluff TT
> 
> Also, I know it might seem just like a filler but please hold on to Iwa's thoughts about the new baby, keep them on mind for the next chapters, yeah? (wow, only 5 to go, omg)
> 
> Re-reading this i realized there are so so so many mistakes and i'm so so so lazy to edit. But worry not, I will:D ♥
> 
> Thanks for keeping up with this, I think it's been two weeks and a half? So, it's not as bad as the last time. Maybe (not making any promises) maaaaybe I'll upload again this week bc they gave it off bc of easter. So yeah. Btw, yes, I changed my ig ussername, now it's @yoongization 
> 
> Btw, did you guys knew in this kpop group there's a guy whose artistic name is SUGA? Now i can't write about Sugawara without thinking of him;-; oh boy and their personalities are SO DIFFERENT xd oh well


	11. A place where you belong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What was he supposed to do? He had feelings too, he couldn't just ignore them. But he couldn't ignore the part of him that was trying to be more rational about the whole thing either, that was trying to make him sort things out for once and all. For all Iwaizumi knew, there was something Oikawa wasn't telling him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope there isn't a lot of confusion with the names. 
> 
> Oikawa-san is Oikawa's mom, and Oikawa's dad barely appears lol xd And Oikawa is Oikawa (? 
> 
> explanation 10/10

When Iwaizumi opened his eyes, his head was spinning and he felt like he was floating. For a whole second he just stared into the ceiling, blinking and barely realizing the level of nausea his body was currently in, but then it all came down on him. There was too much light, the world started to spin around too and there was yelling. He groaned, digging the heel of his hand into his left eye while he realized just how awful his mouth tasted. He tried to recollect information slowly, trying to figure out where he was, what was going on, when he finally made sense of the conversation next to him.

“… were you thinking, seriously?” he recognized that voice, angry tone and all. It only made him feel more lost than he already was, “Yes— I’m fucking aware that he’s a grown ass man, Sugawara, that doesn’t mean you just have to— fuck, fuck, Christ, fine!”

Sugawara, he knew Sugawara. More than that, he was supposed to be with Sugawara, wasn’t he? He closed his eyes to try and stop the dizzying feeling and furrowed his brow. He couldn’t feel his feet, he was all warm and the nausea, god, it was taking a little bit too much from him to fight against the nausea. He groaned feeling a sharp sting in the back of his head and he rolled over to try to escape the pain. He realized he was lying on something very soft, that something was enveloping him, that everything was warm and everything smelt soft too. In his state he realized that maybe soft wasn’t a smell but the pang was increasing inside his head so he dropped the idea of thinking any further into it. Right now, he wanted to disappear.

The sounds became muffled, then there was silence. Iwaizumi couldn’t focus too much into it because the silence was interrupted again and a different voice came in. Iwaizumi recognized that voice too.

“How is he?”

“Hasn’t woken up,”

“Did you call his friend?”

“Yes, yes I did. Apparently he said he was going home and they thought he seemed sober enough,” there was silence again and Iwaizumi felt like maybe they were talking about him? He remembered walking down the street, heading home while watching the night sky, all starry. He remembered thinking of Oikawa.

“I just called his mom, apparently he was going to stay over,” the silence that followed wasn’t as big as the last one, “Right, so, you should go to sleep soon, Tooru,”

Tooru. As in, Oikawa Tooru, right? Well, of course it was him. Iwaizumi had placed him the second he heard his voice— hadn’t spent almost his whole life listening to it for nothing, but for some reason it felt impossible the fact that the person in the same space Iwaizumi was in could be Oikawa. Apparently, yes it was.

“I’ll go to sleep in a second, Dad,” there was some rustling, soft steps, a door clicking closed and a sigh, then silence again. Iwaizumi’s head had slowed down a little but now his heart was beating incredibly fast for some reason and some kind of uneasiness washed over him that made him feel the urge to leave, to stay as far away as possible from that place. He didn’t understand why, though, because he was as comfortable as he’ll ever be and he was surrounded by the faint smell of Oikawa, which he reckoned as something good.

He felt the surface weighing down and then there were slender fingers running through his head, scratching slightly his scalp. It dragged a contented hum out of him and soothed a little the terrible pain he was feeling a few seconds ago.

“Iwa-chan,” Iwazumi didn’t understand why hearing that voice calling him like that made his heart shrug so painfully. He groaned and shuffled around and he heard a small laugh, “Iwa-chan,” Iwaizumi sighed. Some part of him wanted to ignore the voice, sink deeper into the comfort and call it a day. Fuck, call it a life, for all he cared. But some other part of him couldn’t do it, couldn’t pretend he didn’t hear the voice, didn’t feel the caresses. So he slowly turned around and cracked open his eyes softly. He kind of regretted it immediately because it hurt and there was still too much light, even if the face hovering him was blocking most of it. And oh, there were brown chocolate eyes looking at him worriedly and Iwaizumi didn’t know how to feel in that moment.

For some reason, his mind wanted to reject the person next to him, but Iwaizumi didn’t understand why.

“Oh, hi, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa’s voice was soft while he smiled and god, Iwaizumi wasn’t sure if he wanted to punch or kiss the smile out of him. He did none, for some reason, “Feeling good?” Iwaizumi closed his eyes, reaching his capacity at absorbing the artificial light and shook his head softly, trying to not make his world spin again, “Figures,” another giggle, “You see, you showed up at my door drunk at two in the morning for the hell of it, apparently,” Iwaizumi frowned, did that mean he was then at Oikawa’s? Well, it somehow seemed obvious but Iwaizumi hadn't realized, “Went out with you colleagues and got drunk, and here you are,”

So that was it, he was drunk. It made sense, the awful taste and the vertigo. He kind of hated how slow his brain was currently working. Right, so he was at Oikawa’s, he was drunk. Small fragments came to his mind and he started to put everything together. It hit him that he shouldn’t be at Oikawa’s because they weren’t together— maybe that was the reason he felt like running away at the thought of it?

“Oh, ‘m sorry, I’ll leave,” he attempted to sit up with his eyes still closed but he was gently push down again— which he didn’t refuse because suddenly his head started to spin again.

“No, it’s okay. You can stay, Iwa-chan, do you want some water?” Iwaizumi frowned, he could stay? Why? He nodded anyway, realizing how awful his throat felt and suddenly craving the liquid. Iwaizumi didn’t open his eyes as there was some ruffling, “Okay, stand up a little, slowly,” he complied, groaning slightly, and he felt the glass pressed against his lips. The water tasted weird but it was well received and he hummed happily which made another giggle appear. This time he opened his eyes to look up at Oikawa looking down at him with tender eyes. Something hurt inside of his chest.

Why weren’t they together anymore, anyway? There wasn’t a single person Iwaizumi wanted to be with the rest of his existence but Oikawa. It felt wrong for things to be like that, when everything between them had been so natural. Iwaizumi felt like it wasn’t hard to love Oikawa, to be with Oikawa then why weren’t they— oh.

Oh, right. Oikawa left him.

Why did he left him for, though? Why would he do such a thing? Was there someone— oh, right. Yes, there was someone else. That Ushijima guy, right, the one from Shiratorizawa. The one who always won over them, over him. Better ace, better wing spiker, better alpha—

“Iwa-chan?” Iwaizumi blinked, slowly. Oikawa was looking at him, worried and he felt his chest hurt again, “Are you okay? It looks like something hurts,”

“’Course it hurts, Oikawa,” his words were slurred together and he realized he couldn’t quite control what was coming out of his mouth, “You left me,”

Iwaizumi barely registered the pained look that came across Oikawa’s face before it was gone, but oh he did, he saw it, and for some reason it made anger grow within him. Oikawa sighed and closed his eyes, his hand came back to Iwaizumi’s hair and even though he felt like rejecting the touch, he couldn’t bring himself to.

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I,” Oikawa said sadly, still not opening his eyes, “the most stupid thing I’ve ever done,” For the second time that night (morning?) Iwaizumi didn’t know how to feel. So he closed his eyes again, couldn’t bear the sad face Oikawa was making, and leaned against the touch.

“I didn’t want you to leave me,” Oikawa hummed, “I really fucking loved you,” hum, “why wasn’t that enough,”

“Iwa—” Iwaizumi didn’t want to hear it. He turned around, biting back a groan, and refused to turn again no matter how much Oikawa called him. With the world spinning around and Iwaizumi fighting the need to throw up everything he had ever eaten, he fell asleep like that, not feeling Oikawa’s fingers again.

•••

His skull was being cracked open (or attempted to) when he opened his eyes again later that day. Whether it had been a few hours or a lot, Iwaizumi couldn't really tell. No, he was tired and exhausted and Jesus fucking Christ, what was that painful sting for. Why was there so much light, why was everything so nosy. He sat slowly, his body complaining and the world spinning in response. He closed his eyes and grabbed the mattress in search of stability. And he definitely most likely wasn't going to throw up, wasn't going to let himself go through it, he had some pride left. 

Last night was a blur but he could make out the best of it and groaned regretfully, wondering if for some miracle he could die painlessly before Oikawa appeared again. 

They hadn't talked since Iwaizumi barked at him, Iwaizumi hadn't apologized, and then last night happened, and Iwaizumi was doing things so wrong but he couldn't help it. The worst part was, he wasn't entirely sure doing things right was worth it. He figured he'd have to get past the hungover first before getting there. 

“Oh, you're awake,” came a soft voice that made him startled, then a giggle and, fuck, why did every Oikawa had to giggle like that?, “I'm gonna take my guess and say you wish you were dead,” 

“Pretty much,” hoarse voice, his throat hurt when he tried to clear it a little. 

“Oh, boy, being young and reckless, what a time to be alive, right?” Iwaizumi knew where Oikawa had gotten that blinding smile, it was no doubt from his mother, but the difference was she used it with pure purposes, which only made it all more unbearable for his hurt eyes, “Brought some pills and water, do you feel like eating?, do you want to have lunch with us?”

Lunch? Just how fucking long— Iwaizumi sighed. He looked down, suddenly remembering _why_ he was there to begin with. Apparently Oikawa's mom caught on it because she was giggling again. 

“Yes, last night you pulled quite the number on us,” Iwaizumi would have been more ashamed if he weren't dying on the inside, “We all thought something had happened to you, though, we were really worried,” Iwaizumi frowned. He couldn't remember exactly how the events were, he remembered movements and his throat hurting, accusations and tender strokes and blacking out. His face was burning red and he didn't dare to look again at Oikawa's mother. The shame did nothing to alleviate his pain, though, but he felt the nausea coming back stronger at the thought of his shameful actions. 

“I'm really sorry, Oikawa-san,”

“It's okay, Hajime-kun. We've known you since forever, we know you are a nice kid. We understand if things had been rather complicated with Tooru lately,” she trailed off and this time Iwaizumi couldn't help to jerk his head (which earned him a pang of pain and made him groan), “Ah, please be gentle with Tooru. I know his actions might have not been the best but, just like we know you, I know you know him too— better than me and my husband ever will,” she smiled gently, “When you're young, it's hard to measure how much your actions will affect other people. So please, even if you can't forgive him, which I honestly wouldn't blame you for, don't think badly of my kid,” she handed Iwaizumi the glass of water and the pills, “Lunch will be ready soon. If you want to leave, now's your chance. I made Tooru run some errands for me,” she turned and walked graciously to the door, but before leaving she turned, “Also, I'm sorry for having such a deep talk with you in this state, but you know how us old geezers are,”

“You, an old geezer, Oikawa-san?,” Iwaizumi smiled, “could've fooled me,” Oikawa's mother laughed, really laughed not just giggled, and waved a hand at Iwaizumi before leaving the room. 

Iwaizumi took the pills, downed the water in one go and let out a sigh. What was he going to do? 

There only was so much he could remember about last night. Oikawa taking care of him was one of these things, and Iwaizumi was wondering why would Oikawa ever do something like that and he had to stop his train of thoughts.

Why _wouldn't_ Oikawa ever do something like that. 

It occurred him, then, that Iwaizumi hadn't thought of Oikawa at all. Sure, he had been thinking about him ever since—how he was, how he was doing what was wrong, what happened, why did he do this, why did he leave. Hows, whats, whys. Iwaizumi wasn't thinking of Oikawa, was thinking of the person Iwaizumi thought Oikawa had become. Had it been a coping mechanism, had it been simple selfishness, there was a reason Iwaizumi realized he was doing things wrong. 

Oikawa-san had said it, he knew him too. 

Of course Oikawa had taken care of him, the Omega had always been extreme about taking care of others going as far as to stepping over himself, maybe as far as breaking up with someone. 

Iwaizumi felt his headache worsening and laid back on the mattress. At least the nausea was almost gone, but now his head was a whirlwind of feelings and thoughts, his chest felt heavy and Oikawa-san’s words replayed again and again. 

What was he supposed to do? He had feelings too, he couldn't just ignore them. But he couldn't ignore the part of him that was trying to be more rational about the whole thing either, that was trying to make him sort things out for once and all. For all Iwaizumi knew, there was something Oikawa wasn't telling him. 

Right, so—

He let out a sight.

Right. 

He stayed like that, eyes closed, for so long he felt like he was somewhere between half asleep and half awake. This helped him to feel a little better, but the world was still spinning a little and the nausea was threatening. Not too strong, but not faded completely. He wondered if he should talk to Oikawa like that— that was very Sugawara-ish of him, and it was the first time it ever happened, shame on Iwaizumi. 

Iwaizumi decided that if he had ignored the advice before, doing it once again wouldn't hurt. The third time was the charm, wasn't it. He chuckled a little, it only made him feel slightly awful so he took it as a good sign. 

He gathered every drop of will power he had and stood up slowly. He groaned, rubbed his eyes, and walked towards the bathroom— he knew this house as well as he knew his own, for God's sake.

He didn't even dare to look at his reflect while he washed his face and his mouth with water. He wanted to shower but there was only so much Iwaizumi felt comfortable with, even though if he asked Oikawa-san, she would say yes without a doubt. He wasn't going to eat much anyway, he could take a quick shower at home, reassure his mother he hadn't dropped dead somewhere in Miyagi (even if the Oikawa’s had already told his parents he was at their place, which probably), and then come back and hope and pray his headache was completely gone by then. 

Yeah, it sounded like a plan. 

And well, it was the plan. But as soon as Iwaizumi went down the kitchen, Oikawa-san shooed him into the shower (she even threatened him with a spatula, Jesus Christ) and she herself handed Iwaizumi some of Oikawa’s clothes. 

Iwaizumi knew better than to fight back an armed Omega so he complied and took a short shower that had him rising from the dead. Somewhere between the warm water, drying himself and getting into Oikawa’s clothes (way too big, fucking giant), he promised he'd never get this wasted again. The shower took down the nausea and soothed the headache, and when he came out he felt like maybe he could do it. 

And his resolution hesitated only ever so slightly when he saw Oikawa. 

“Iwa-chan,” Oikawa smiled, Iwaizumi smiled back, “Feeling any better?”

“Kind of, yes,” he glance a look at Oikawa-san who winked at him, “Sorry about last night,” 

“Aish, it's okay, really,” Oikawa smirked, “Would've done the same,” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and let out a sigh.

“All of sudden I'm not feeling so well, I think I'm going home—,”

“Iwa-chan!” Iwaizumi scrunched his nose, Oikawa's pitched voice reverberating in his head. 

“Okay, I'm staying just— don't screech like that. Hungover, remember?” Oikawa nodded and gave him an apologetic smile. Iwaizumi sighed. 

He fell into chatter easily with both Oikawa's, they asked about his mom, Iwaizumi asked about them and told them a few things that had happened lately and he hadn't had the chance to tell Oikawa just yet because, well, drama. Oikawa’s mom called Oikawa to help him set the table and shooed Iwaizumi when he tried to help. Iwaizumi didn't miss the way she almost reached for the spatula so he flew towards the dinning room and sat himself in the same spot he had ever since he was a kid. Oikawa cooed him for it, but Oikawa always did it anyway so it was okay. Iwaizumi told himself he was just too hungover to snap back but in all honesty, maybe he had missed it all a little. 

That's why it itched inside of him how familiar it all felt, when Oikawa-san finally sat down with them and they all ate eagerly (Iwaizumi was shot a glare and he knew Oikawa-san would go all the way to the kitchen for the spatula if necessary, so Iwaizumi willed himself to eat it all, even though it wasn't really that hard with the nausea gone).

Finally, Iwaizumi got away with helping with the dishes and thanked the food. It made him feel a little better, the headache still not completely gone but at least he could hear his own thoughts carefully. Both Iwaizumi and Oikawa walked up to Oikawa's room and Iwaizumi sat on the bed as Oikawa tidied a little, he watched him quietly until he sat next to him, a considerable amount of distance between them, and looked at him. Iwaizumi spoke first.

"I don't want you to say it," Oikawa quirked a brow.

"And how do you know what I was going to say?"

Iwaizumi thought of what Oikawa-san had said, how right she was—how right she always was, because yes, Oikawa hadn't even said anything so it would've been rather hard to guess what he was going to say. Except Iwaizumi knew him since forever, knew the way he sucked his lips in and played with his fingers, all of that spoke volumes. 

"Your thoughts are louder than you think," Oikawa smiled apologetically and, for the love of God, Iwaizumi felt like he wanted to reach out and hold him again him, tight, reassure him. 

He looked fragile, and sad. Like the one time Iwaizumi saw him, when Oikawa told him about another alpha. There was something different, though. Iwaizumi had replayed the scene countless times in his head, as much as he could remember it, and there was always something that felt off about it. Something that made it all too forceful and artificial but still painful. Oikawa seemed so grim back then. Now, as sad as he might seem, there was some glow Iwaizumi didn't know where it came from. It made him look less pitiful, a little more alive. Almost as if he was a different person—

"I know I've said this a lot, but I've meant it every single time. I'm sorry, Hajime,"

—Except he wasn't. Oikawa wasn't a different person, he wasn't a stranger. He was the clumsy kid who always had been too spoiled, the one who stuck around Iwaizumi even though he could have been with every other kid, the one who was an Omega even though everyone expected of him being an Alpha, the one who got embarrassed quickly and played confident to dismiss it, the one who loved the stars and believed firmly in aliens and made Iwaizumi watch every sci-fi movie related ever. He was the same Oikawa who always boosted everyone's confidence in the strangest of the ways, the one who always tried to take care of everyone, the one who was reliable and sometimes (read as: most of the times) let the emotions get the best of him. 

It was the same Oikawa, who liked chocolate and coffee so sweet it was diabetes coma inducing, who gave his all into things he loved, who was so clumsy with his own feelings he could barely put them together. Iwaizumi suddenly let go a breath he didn't know he was holding which earned him a burrowed frown from Oikawa. Iwaizumi smiled a little. 

"I'm sorry too, for barking at you the other day," 

Oikawa opened his mouth but instead, someone knocked on the door. Oikawa sighed and stood up but was quickly dismissed when he heard his mother rushing over to open the door. Oikawa sat slowly and turned back to Iwaizumi when there were greetings. 

"Eita-kun, hi!"

"Eita?" Oikawa mumbled and then apparently he realized something because some color was drained of his face and he looked at Iwaizumi alarmed. Iwaizumi couldn't even ask because there were steps, then Semi was walking into the room with furrowed brows. He didn't even cast a glance to Iwaizumi and directed straight to Oikawa. 

"What the fuck do you mean you're not coming back to Tokyo?" 

Well, fuck. Iwaizumi had no idea but he wanted to know too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH LOOK AT THAT ONLY TWELVE DAYS (but who's counting, right?)♥
> 
> Last week was hell, and I'm sure this week will be hell too, so wish me luck ): Also, Iwaizumi is so beautiful, I'm this close to make the plot twist of the year, turn myself into a character and make Iwaizumi marry me(? jk, jk, that'd be lame. 
> 
> I liked this chapter^^ once, drunk, I tried to kiss this kid I low-key hated. Yeah, never again. But Iwaizumi is such a character I feel so identified with, really and OMG is that a cliffhanger? xd chanchanchan. Y'all, don't worry. I promised there wouldn't be more angst and I'll keep my word (mostofthetimes), so yeah. FOUR CHAPTERS TO GO OMG I'M NOT OKAY. 
> 
> Again, thankiuuu for staying with me. Love y'all.


	12. Maybe you'll believe me now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The reason you guys were dating, was it because you are an alpha, and he’s an omega, and that’s how things are supposed to be?”
> 
> Iwaizumi opened his mouth to say no. Because that was the answer, wasn’t it? But the word felt heavy in his tongue and he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you guys used to me disappearing from the face of the earth? 
> 
> I didn't mean to disappear like that, but then I got depressed and had midterms and then I was still depressed, and then FINALS + people messing with my feelings. Blablablabla. I'm free now. School finished past tuesday and i've used these two past days to recover from the trauma and the high dehydratation from all the tears I cried bUT ANYWAY DETAILS
> 
> I'm still bitter about not being 4s of haikyuu this year. 
> 
> This chapter wans't collaborating with me, tho. Re-wrote it once or twice (five times) and took my sweet time. And I don't even know, I feel like I finally put everything there's to it on the table, and now we just proceed to make everyone happily forever after. I've grown attached to this... monster... whatever this is xd i'm following the plan i had for this the best I can and, actually, i'll have you know it hasn't drifted that much from my original intention so i'm glad. I'll start editing soon, i have two months till college so yeah. Also, i created a Twitter ([@bongtanboys](https://twitter.com/bongtanboyz), so feel free to go and yell at me to update and edit.

Things escalated pretty quickly from there. Semi was clearly angry, even hurt, his scent was filling the room and made Iwaizumi want to put distance between them, which he did slowly. 

He couldn't hide the surprise and the confusion, though, which was clearly showing in his face when Oikawa looked at him and he seemed alarmed, as if he hadn't meant for Iwaizumi to find out. Iwaizumi had to remind himself that he was doing it again, that he was demonizing Oikawa and the Omega didn't deserve it. He probably didn't mean for Iwaizumi to find out _that way._ He shook his head and smiled a little, as if trying to reassure him. 

“Tooru, please explain,” Semi demanded, Oikawa sighed. 

“Eita, please, calm down,”

“Calm down?, you want me to—,” the Omega seemed like he was trying really hard to keep it together, he took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. Iwaizumi knew better than to interrupt an angry Omega so he tried to sink back as much as possible, not wanting the anger to be directed towards himself, “Explain, Tooru—, why are you leaving, what is going on, why did you come here to begin with? I didn't keep up with your shit just so you could throw me away the moment you were over it, that's not what friends do!”

And suddenly Iwaizumi realized he wasn't meant to be there at all, that the discussion wasn't his, that he had no place here and should leave them alone to figure their things out. So he stood up slowly. 

“Wait, Iwa-chan—,” for the first time since Semi had arrived, he was properly looked at. Semi just looked at him, there was no hostility or rage in his eyes, he didn't react to him at all. 

“So _now_ you want to talk with him,”

“Eita, don't do this!”

Iwaizumi’s mind started to overflow with questions, every single one more intruding than the other, and he nibbled his inner cheek while steadying his pulse. He needed to give them both privacy and that was it, Iwaizumi wasn't part of any of this or, maybe he was, bit not directly. 

“It's okay, Tooru. I need to go home anyway, before my mom becomes too paranoid,” he turned to Semi who was still looking at him, “Good to see you, Semi-san,”

“You too, Iwaizumi-san,” Iwaizumi nodded and made his way quickly out of the room, closing it behind him. He made a point of not glancing at Oikawa because he knew the moment he saw him, he wouldn't want to leave him. 

Once outside, he took a deep breath to calm down the alpha inside of him that told him he shouldn't leave Oikawa's side. Instead, he quickly went downstairs and found Oikawa's mom reading a book in the living room. 

“Leaving already, Hajime-kun?” she smiled brightly. 

“Yeah, mom must be dead worried,” in that moment, Iwaizumi blinked around, admiring what would be Oikawa's dad new decorating. The navel blue was really pleasing and everything looked like it was meant to be there, “Oikawa-san— er, Sakura-san made a great job,” he made a small gesture around the room, Oikawa's mom looked around too. 

“Yeah, she always does,” there was consternation in her voice, it wasn't disgust or anything, it was as if she just couldn't acknowledge it and that made her uneasy, “Still unnecessary,” she flickered her wrist, he smiled softly. 

“Oh, right,” it hit him suddenly, “Right. So, where are my clothes?” 

“Oh, those,” she looked down at the book, “I put them on the machine,”

“Oikawa-san, there was no need to do that,”

“Well, I did anyway, didn't I?” Iwaizumi smiled bigger, almost beamig. 

“Yeah, okay. What about my phone, my wallet and keys?” 

“Those are in the counter in the kitchen, honey,” Iwaizumi turned around and went quickly to said place. He did, indeed, find those items there. He wasn't surprised to find his phone dead, so he simply slid them in his pockets and turned back.

“Thanks again,”

“Right, right, sure,” she smiled, “thanks for having lunch with us, take better care of yourself, will you?” Iwaizumi nodded and waved her off. 

Iwaizumi had underestimated sunlight and its massive destructive power against hungover young adults. He immediately regretted coming out of the safe, dark comfort that was the Oikawa's house, headache coming back in full force, dizzyingly, even. He groaned as he squinted his eyes, regretting his life decisions.

Well, he had to get home anyway. His mother wouldn't be really worried but it was the perfect excuse. Having a pregnant woman alone with a six year old child wasn't the best of the ideas, even though the idea of coming back to the responsibility of a six years old didn’t sound much better either. But, whatever. Iwaizumi had to help his mother as much as possible and he was the only one to blame for his suffering. 

Dwelling on this, he arrived home and knocked the door that opened rather quickly. His mother was shorter than him, black wavy hair fell off her shoulders. She was frowning, trying to come off as mad, but Iwaizumi only found her cute and adorable and, okay, maybe he shouldn’t think that way of his mom. He couldn’t help it, though. 

“Hi, mom,” Iwaizumi’s mom scoffed and moved aside to let him come inside, and he complied.

“Iwaizumi Hajime, I swear to god, you are going to be the end of me,” she all but yelled. Iwaizumi grimaced because the high pitch was doing nothing to help the mess he was at the moment, but he stayed still and waited for her mother to say everything she needed to say, “What were you thinking, bothering the Oikawa’s that way. God, I raised you better than that,” 

“I was drunk—,”

“This kid, I swear to god—,”

“Mom, I’m already an adult—,”

“And you’re lucky I love you, otherwise I would have disowned you already,” she crossed her arms and huffed, “how are you feeling? Headaches, nausea? Did you eat already?”

“A terrible headache, the nausea is mostly gone and, yes, Oikawa-san invited me to have lunch with them,” he nodded, slowly, to not hurt himself further. His mom scanned him from head to toe, and finally hummed, “where’s Haru?”

“We’re playing upstairs, with her doll house,” Iwaizumi frowned.

“Shouldn’t you rest?” she started to move and Iwaizumi followed her with his eyes.

“Rest? I’m pregnant, not sick, Hajime,” the anger and annoyance had faded from her voice, “I’m not just going to turn on the TV and let her watching that thing like a zombie the way your father does,” there was no venom to her words, of course, she was just being honest. Iwaizumi sighed. As if on cue, the little girl screamed claiming for her mother back, probably bored already of keeping the game alone. 

“I’ll go,” Iwaizumi informed, his mother quirked a brow, “It’s okay, you should take a small break,” she sighed and rolled her eyes. 

“I’ll make us something to eat,” and she changed her course while mumbling something along the lines of “these alphas, I swear to god”, and Iwaizumi made his way quickly to Haru’s room. 

He found her putting his dollhouse in order, apparently bored already of playing with her dolls. She was humming to a song Iwaizumi didn’t recognize, her ebony short hair sticking out in different directions. Despite his headache, Iwaizumi smiled and sneaked behind her to scare her. Haru squeaked and turn around immediately, narrowing her eyes at his older brother.

“Onii-chan, you’re no fun,” Iwaizumi winked at her and she pulled out her tongue. 

“You don’t want to play with your doll anymore?”

“I want to draw,” Iwaizumi smiled wider. He ruffled her hair tenderly and nodded.

“Okay, then. Let’s draw.”

•••

When Iwaizumi was still in High School, aside from the Volleyball and the drama it came with, Iwaizumi used to struggle with languages even if he was good at math and physics. He would have to ask Oikawa for help and the omega would help him after being his annoying self. 

While he looked at Haru, a particular memory came to him. It was during his last year of school, his teacher had assigned them all a book they had to read and make an essay about. Iwaizumi had it easy, he was assigned a children’s book, and it was famous enough he could get himself a copy in Japanese (which was, kind of cheating, yes. Sue him). It was called The Velveteen Rabbit. Iwaizumi was only reminded of his because of the doodle of what attempted to be a rabbit Haru was doing. 

The story was simple, there was a velveteen rabbit (roll credits) who wanted to know what was to be real. He was told that to be loved made him real. Iwaizumi’s eyes trailed off her little sister, sprawled over the floor, surrounded by crayons, colors, markers, sheets of paper. She tilted her head from one side to the other, trying to find comfortable angles to finish her painting. And it occurred Iwaizumi that a bunch of years ago, she wasn’t in his life.

It was something rather strange to think about, actually. He was used to her existence, already; it was already in him. Whenever someone asked him about his family, a picture of his parents and Haru would immediately appear in front of him. Haru was real, but was she real because she existed? Iwaizumi sighed, pulling his head back and staring at the ceiling. 

Okay, maybe no. Haru was part of Iwaizumi’s life, of course, but was it only the family bond? Blood calling blood? What about the upcoming baby, then? 

“Haru,” Iwaizumi said without looking at her, “Do you want to go visit Suga-san?”

•••

“I’ll be honest here, Iwa-san,” Sugawara said while casting a glance, smiling softly, “I don’t understand your question,” Iwaizumi sighed, trying not to get flustered. 

“How does a person become part of your life,” he repeated and Sugawara nodded.

“That’s— Iwaizumi, I can’t answer that question I—,”

“Think about your siblings,” Iwaizumi looked at the ground, in an attempt to hide the embarrassment he was feeling, “Just because they’re your siblings then they’re part of your life?” Iwaizumi looked through his eyelashes and found Sugawara looking at his two little sisters that were playing with Haru (the younger had lost interest in Sugawara once she was introduced to them), and he had this air to him, like he was thinking hard. Iwaizumi waited, looking at her little sister too. 

“Okay, I mean, sure,” Sugawara started. He talked slowly, like trying to make sure he was using the correct words, “Yes, there’s some kind of… link, I guess, since they’re my mother’s children too, just like me,” he shifted a little, and then looked at Iwaizumi, smiling again, “But there’s definitely more to it that simple blood. Like, for instance, and god never let my mom or my siblings find out, having a favorite. You don’t need to choose, do you? Or, well, not yet. You only have Haruko. Me, of course I have a favorite. I’m a little biased towards her, but I still love them all the same. What I’m trying to say is that, it’s not an obligation. I’m not forced to love any of my sisters or brothers, yet I do, don’t I? And that’s not biology. That’s… me.”

Iwaizumi took a deep breath while he weighed down Sugawara’s words. You know, some part of him knew what the omega said made sense, it was actually pretty simple too. Yet, it didn’t occur to him. Why? 

“Iwaizumi,” Sugawara called again, Iwaizumi looked at him. “Why did you have a relationship with Oikawa?” Iwaizumi frowned, he opened his mouth to express his confusion but Sugawara beat him to it, “The reason you guys were dating, was it because you are an alpha, and he’s an omega, and that’s how things are supposed to be?”

Iwaizumi opened his mouth to say no. Because that was the answer, wasn’t it? But the word felt heavy in his tongue and he couldn’t bring himself to say it. The question was still lingering in Sugawara’s voice and Iwaizumi felt the pieces falling together. It made him nauseous and uneasy for a second. 

There was this part of him that thought of Oikawa as an omega, as his counterpart, as his mate. 

“Oh my god,” he muttered.

“Iwa-san, don’t be so hard on yourself. It isn’t your fault, that’s the way we all were raised,”

“It’s still wrong,”

“Yes, it is. But at least you know it, and, okay,” Sugawara leaned in and put a hand to his arm, squeezed it hard and it helped him focus in the omega’s words. His pulse was increasing and his hands were getting colder, “Listen, you’re better than that. Remember when Oikawa left you? Some alphas wouldn’t have accepted it, you know. But you did, you let him go. And that wasn’t biology, that’s the way you felt,” 

Iwaizumi felt so dumb at the moment he was getting a headache. 

“Sugawara, I don’t even know—” the omega squeezed him harder and Iwaizumi all but yelped. 

“You do know, Iwaizumi. It’s not about alphas or omegas, or blood, or biology,” he said softly, “Don’t let those things confuse you,”

“Too late,” Sugawara chuckled lightly and let go of his almost vice-like grip. Iwaizumi let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. His heart rate wasn’t slowing down, though. He took a deep breath, he looked at his little sister, laughing and playing. His blood started to stir and he felt like he needed to move, he couldn’t stay still, “Hey, Sugawara-san, can I ask you to take care of Haru-chan for a while?” 

Sugawara only smiled. He nodded and stood up, nibbling his lip. He seemed like he wanted to say something, and Iwaizumi could swear it was that “wait” expression. But in the end, he just sighed and smiled again, then bumped his shoulder slightly. He turned and walked towards the children. Iwaizumi turned and he started to move. 

He could hear the blood pumping through his ears, his limbs were begging for movement, his insides were stirring crazy, his head was a mess. Like his thoughts were overflowing and they kept mixing and they were suffocating him. He only knew one direction, though, he only followed one path. And while he was at it, he took out his cellphone and dialed the number he knew from muscle memory.

Oikawa picked after the second tone.

“Iwaizumi? Is everything okay?”

“Hey,” he was apparently out of breath, was he jogging? “Hey, are you free right now?” 

“Eh, yes, yes, why?”

“Meet me in five?” there was a small silence, it felt like it lasted an eternity. Then came a shaky breath, and a question.

“Where?”

•••

Oikawa seemed especially quiet as they walked towards the park they used to play at when they were children. Iwaizumi felt his whole being overflowing with emotions and he didn’t know what to do with them. He tried to arrange his ideas the best way as the came to the swings and Oikawa immediately sat in one of them, moving back and forth slightly. He seemed to be in deep thought, and Iwaizumi didn’t know if he should interrupt them. But he was losing his mind, so he figured he could try. 

“So, I—”

“Iwa-chan, can I talk first?” his voice was so sad Iwaizumi, the emotional wreck he was, almost shuddered. 

“I— uh, sure,” he took the swing next to Oikawa’s and turned it slightly to face him. His hands came to grip the chains holding it and the surface was hotter than Iwaizumi’s hands. 

“I've been running from it, I guess,” Oikawa shrugged, looking away, “Coming back home made me feel better, almost enough to forget what my life has been the past few months,” he swung himself slightly, “But,” he took a deep breath, “but, having Semi visiting me again, arguing with him, made me remember everything that I've been through,” he squinted his eyes at the setting sun, “Hajime, there's something I really need to tell you—a few things, actually. The real reason I broke up with you and the events that followed later on,” Iwaizumi let out a shaky breath, his heart skipping with a little bit of anxiety. 

“Yes, okay, I'm listening,” Oikawa turned to look at him, serious. A chill ran down Iwaizumi’s back. 

“I was pregnant,” Iwaizumi frowned. 

Was?  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned into something rather deep and profound and that was one of the things that i didn't mean to happen but heY I'M NOT COMPLAINING. Also, I feel low-key bad for leaving y'all hanging like that again after waiting... almost three months, wow. But next chapter will be here soon I promise, I'm already working on it ♥  
> THE BIG REVEAL IS HERE. You didn't expect all of that, did you. I feel like next chapters are going to be hella long (this was quite short, wasn't it) but i'll be obediently working on this to bring you guys our gran finale. Finally. Lastly, thanks for all the support. Lots of love.


	13. It's written on your face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I was so lonely, you don’t even know, and I thought I had time and that time would make things okay again but I don’t know?” he took a deep breath, “I was wrong and I did wrong and I’m so sorry, I just want to do things right for once, I just—,”
> 
>  
> 
> _I just don’t know how._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One day I'll start one of these without apologizing. Not today but like, one day. I'm sorry, I really am. I wasted my summer writting about nothing but, oh boy, depression struck me hard and things got nasty. I'm fine tho, don't worry. I'm emotional asfuck as I write this so yeah. Can you believe it's almost done (and that it's finally happening omfg) i can't tbh. I'm so happy, like, ah fucking finally. Anyway, this a 5k chapter okay i got excited let me live, also I didn't proofread this at all which means there'll be a thousand mistakes. I promise I'll edit the whole fic soon! Without further ado, today's chapter.

When Oikawa stopped talking, it was dark. Iwaizumi was sure his brain had stopped working some time ago when he heard the omega talk, his hands felt cold but now his chest was numb. He was blinking slowly, watching the sky.

Iwaizumi didn't know what to do, what to say, but he was crying. There was something stinging in his chest, it was taking everything from him and he has crying. His throat closed around the words and he just remained silent. 

If his thoughts had been messy before, they were chaos right now. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run. He wanted to stop. 

He looked at Oikawa, he was grimacing at him, with shiny curious eyes and still. So still and far away. Iwaizumi felt his ears clogged up, he only heard the faint sounds, barely registering them, barely making sense of them. He felt his skin craving and Oikawa was so far away, why was he so far away? 

“Don't you miss High School?” Oikawa's voice came. Iwaizumi frowned to focus at his words, “I mean, we were a team, I was the good guy, Ushiwaka-kun wasn't the bad guy, and everything was simpler,”

But it's gone. It was completely gone now, now they weren’t teenagers, their lives didn’t revolve around the court and it wasn’t a matter of don’t letting the ball drop. 

Whether it was ten minutes, ten hours, ten years, there was no way to know what was going to happen. Even in his emotional state, he knew in that exact moment something really important was happening and he wasn’t really expecting that. Yet it felt surreal, like the time had stopped, like the whole universe was holding his breathe just waiting for the next step. 

Iwaizumi was holding his breath too, but he didn’t know what he was waiting for. He didn’t believe in miracles, he didn’t believe in luck. And there they were, at the end of the line. Everything that had occurred in the past months was reduced to this single talk, to this moment in which Iwaizumi felt the cold breeze in his wet face and was swinging himself, speechless, feeling like every single drop of energy was drained from him. 

A shiny sky above them, the cicadas filling the silence. The person who hurt you the most next to you, watching you silently. Houses in front of them, filled with people who lived their lives without knowing Iwaizumi’s was crumbling down in front of him, and everything he could do was to stare, because it had already happened, and the past was the past. There was nothing he could say, nothing he could do, but even knowing this, his feelings were flooding, and he was sinking slowly. 

“chan… Iwa-chan, are you with me?” there was that voice again. His heart swelled painfully at the sound reaching him through white noise, he turned at him because there was nothing else he could do when it came down to him. He never was the one to deny anything to Oikawa, never was the one to tell him no. And he couldn’t run from him. Not now, not ever. 

“Sorry, yes?” he muttered. Oikawa sighed softly.

“I know is a lot to take in— I’m really sorry, Iwa-chan, I shouldn’t—,” Iwaizumi stopped listening, because he knew the rest. He knew Oikawa, he knew about his bad habits and his doubts, about his fear and his weakness. He had accepted them long ago, he was okay with them because he knew how to handle them, or so he wanted to think. In the end, maybe that wasn’t true either.

“Tooru,” Oikawa was caught in the middle of a word, “Shut up,” Iwaizumi saw the small moment in which Oikawa’s fear showed in his face, he saw the desperation and the loneliness and his chest felt hollow, noticing something was going terribly wrong. Oikawa’s chocolate brown eyes looked at him with such a lifeless stare Iwaizumi all but shivered, “I— we’re gonna talk this further,” Oikawa frowned a little and pursed his lips in a thin line, listening to him, “But not today, I think it’s been more than enough today, so—,” Iwaizumi felt himself heavy, he cleaned his face not even knowing when he stopped crying, “So why don’t you come with me to pick up Haru and then— and then, we take it from there,” 

Oikawa’s smile was shy, small, barely showing any teeth. Iwaizumi knew it was genuine, it made it all the more beautiful.

•••

Iwaizumi plopped down onto the mattress and the bed made a dramatic crack that got lost with the groan he let go. He wasn’t going to leave his bed anytime soon, completely sure of it, but there were things he needed to think and decisions to take and, yes. He missed High School. Oikawa was right, everything was simpler. 

Simpler didn’t mean better, anyway. 

He took a deep breath and turned around to look at Oikawa who was leaning against the doorframe of his (now more cramped) room. Oikawa was looking around, as if he couldn’t recognize the place. Iwaizumi remembered it had to be at least a year since the last time Oikawa had been in his room, and even if it hadn’t changed that much, it was still something. 

When Oikawa caught Iwaizumi looking at him, Iwaizumi realized he was thinking about the same thing. Oikawa smiled at him, reassuringly, and Iwaizumi smiled back. 

“Oikawa, come here,” the omega quirked a brow but complied anyway. Iwaizumi turned to lay on his back and watched as Oikawa crossed his arms and sat in the edge of the bed, looking at him, the ghost of the smile still lingering in his features. 

Iwaizumi could feel the wave of words wanting to leave his throat, the amounts of “it’s okay”-s and “don’t worry”-s, but he also felt the tears again, because he was so damn powerless. He looked at Oikawa, and he was right there in front of him but he felt miles way and he hated it. He thought he was fine with it, lied himself about how really fine he was with it, tried to convince himself. But it was time to wake up. 

“It feels wrong,” he said, his voice came soft and Iwaizumi thought it was because he felt physically and emotionally soft. Whatever that meant. Oikawa cocked his head and furrowed his brows. Iwaizumi motioned between them, “This… distance, it feels wrong,” Oikawa tensed for a second, and Iwaizumi felt the anxiety skyrocket, his hands turning cold quickly, but then Oikawa displayed a small smile and reached out one of Iwaizumi’s hands, he squeezed it and Iwaizumi let out a shaky breath.

The amount of emotions between them was ridiculous. But again, the whole situation was a little ridiculous itself too. And Iwaizumi didn’t know what to think anymore, he just felt his skin craving and that Oikawa was too far away. He was really tired too, his body felt like he had had matches non-stop, as if he was training the whole day. 

The uneasiness filling his lungs was the only thing that kept his eyes open, and he watched as Oikawa breathed slowly, looking at their linked hands. 

See, there was this part that was burning with anger and rage, that kept saying he should hate Oikawa, or at least be mad at him, for doing it again. Because he had shut him out again, had made erratic decisions as if he was alone, had forgotten that they were still a team. But—

But Iwaizumi understood (god cursed him with empathy, thank you very much) and all he fondness he held for the omega made it impossible. It was impossible a year ago, it was impossible now. He just wished there was a way to make his heart stop swelling with pain the way it was doing right now, simple if possible. Painless, harmless and just easy (now, life was never like that but he was a dreamer, and not the only one). 

“When I was with Ushiwaka,” there was some kind of hesitation lingering in Oikawa’s voice, the omega looked anywhere but Iwaizumi, “I learnt that there are two stages of a relationship— something like that. Well, no, I learnt this after I left Ushiwaka, eh— my point is, there’s the infatuation and there’s the love,” he smiled and scoffed, “my question here is why did I have to go through two break ups to figure this out? I’m—,” Oikawa chuckled, and Iwaizumi heard how close he was to cry, so he squeezed his hand tighter, the omega looked at him. He took a deep breath and made a point to hold his gaze while speaking, “I love you, you know? You probably don’t, or you do. Either way, I’m telling you, because people don’t know about your feelings unless you tell them,” Oikawa started crying, his voice was wavering, “And, okay, I was wrong, and I did wrong, and so many mistakes I understand if you don’t want to know anything about me but— I was being selfish, I know, and reckless, but I was thinking of what’s best for you and I’m honestly so sorry,” 

There was silence, Iwaizumi stroked Oikawa’s hand gently, “What’s best for me isn’t your decision to make,”

“I know that now—,”

“You hurt me deeply, Oikawa,”

“I know, I’m—,”

“You’re sorry, yes, but that doesn’t fix anything now does it?” his voice came out strained, Oikawa shivered. Iwaizumi breathed slowly and pulled Oikawa softly to him, the omega furrowed his brows and quietly obliged. 

Iwaizumi’s heart was pounding painfully when Oikawa laid against his chest. They fitted perfectly even if they weren’t exactly well positioned, and a certain calm washed over Iwaizumi. It was hard to explain, but Iwaizumi took a deep breath and he realized he was breathing Oikawa himself (no his scent, the omega was still wearing beta patches, but his actual scent, his shampoo and conditioner and product, and his cologne and simply Oikawa) and god, if he didn’t feel like he could die right there. 

There was still such a crushing pain on his chest, but as his arms came around the omega to hold him impossibly closer, he felt like he was… complete. He hadn’t even realized, used already to the numbness and the uneasiness, he hadn’t realized how incomplete he actually felt, like his soul was draining and his body was too much for him to handle. 

Oikawa was sobbing against his chest, he had clutched his t-shirt and was burying his face directly against Iwaizumi, and, you know those moments in which time stops? Not like it goes painfully slowly but actually stops. You hear the street sounds, you hear the silence, you feel the air filling your lungs, you hear your best friend ex-boyfriend sobbing, you feel him shaking against you and soaking your chest, and the time just stops. Iwaizumi was staring blankly at the ceiling, noticing how the time had stopped for them. 

God, he wished it could stay that way forever. 

At some point, he reached his hand through Oikawa’s locks and brushed his hair, caressing his scalp, trying to calm him down. The sobs slowly went down, and silence settled between them like it wasn’t necessary for any of them to say anything (not yet, at least).

Out there Haru was watching some TV show (Sugawara dropped her way before the pair arrived), and Iwaizumi’s mother was probably cleaning or making dinner, or chatting with some other neighbor on the phone (or all of them, god knows that woman could multi-task like no one). And even if Iwaizumi felt the like world had slowed down, it hadn’t, and that was the truth. 

Even if he felt so well, so comfortable with Oikawa, things between them were still polluted, still just wrong. 

He was never one to wait but he breathed quietly, feeling Oikawa’s heartbeat against him, feeling his skin crave there where he touched him, feeling his anxiety melt down against (the not so light, we’re talking about a 1,84cm omega here) Oikawa’s weight. It was soothing, and his eyes felt made of cardboard, dry and puffy, and he was so tempted to just close them, being lulled by Oikawa’s soft breathing. 

When Oikawa spoke, he was surprised, “it was the size of a blueberry,” Iwaizumi didn’t know for a second what he was talking about, but when it came down over him, he felt his stomach drop, “It was just… developing a brain, kidneys and a heart. Masses of cells too vague to be called organs but, they were in the process,” his voice came soft and emotionless, “it was forming the joints of the arms and the legs too and—, yeah,” 

There was that too. Oikawa was pregnant, Oikawa was pregnant with Iwaizumi’s baby, and Oikawa had lost the baby due to stress. The omega lifted his head to look at Iwaizumi, and he looked so vulnerable at the moment Iwaizumi couldn’t help but squeeze him. 

“Do you think I’m a bad omega?” Iwaizumi blinked twice.

“What?” Oikawa sat, still somehow leaning some of his weight on Iwaizumi, not losing the contact or the intimacy.

“I mean, I’m big and all broad shoulders? And I’m actually a hormonal mess, how many omegas do you know that have heats monthly? And I even— my body couldn’t hold the baby and—,” Iwaizumi couldn’t listen. He had been in shock because of what Oikawa had said but the wavering in the omega’s voice was enough to make him snap out of it. He sat almost abruptly. 

“What are you even saying?” he all but growled, “how is any of that your fault?” 

Oikawa broke, “I don’t even know,” sob, “It’s just, I thought I was okay?” sob, “It took me so long, you have no idea,” sob, Iwaizumi cupped Oikawa’s crying face and cleaned his tears with his thumbs only to have them replace with new ones, he felt his heart twisting painfully in his chest, “I was so lonely, you don’t even know, and I thought I had time and that time would make things okay again but I don’t know?” he took a deep breath, “I was wrong and I did wrong and I’m so sorry, I just want to do things right for once, I just—,”

_I just don’t know how._

Iwaizumi sighed. He pulled Oikawa into his lap and the omega complied, still sobbing, and resting his forehead against Iwaizumi’s shoulder. Iwaizumi put one of his hands in the lower back of Oikawa, pressing the omega against himself, and the other hand came again to Oikawa’s (now) messy hair.

“I, I, I,” he smiled sadly, feeling his throat tightening, “You’re such an idiot, _Trashykawa,_ ” came another sob, “Who said you were alone in this,” 

Iwaizumi closed his eyes, burying his nose against the crock of Oikawa’s neck and he stood like that. Things had gone incredibly wrong for both of them, and in the process, people had been hurt. Iwaizumi shouldn’t have accepted Oikawa’s feelings. 

Iwaizumi should’ve tried harder. Oikawa shouldn’t have lied, Oikawa should’ve trusted Iwaizumi. Everything could’ve been better for them, easier. 

But it was in the past now, wasn’t it. Could’ve been, should’ve been, no was, no will be. 

Time to move on, for once and all.  
•••

“I haven’t seen you in a while, Onii-san,” Haruko commented as soon as she sat properly in front the table, she smile widely at the omega, “I’ve missed you!”

“I’m sorry, Haru-chan,” Oikawa cocked his head, giving away his Colgate Smile™. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes even if no one was paying him attention, “I’ll come again more often, I swear,” she nodded, her eyes shining.

The small girl proceeded to tell the omega about their trip during holidays (they just went to the Gifu prefecture, to the Gero Onsen, but Haruko being the impressionable small human being she was, couldn’t help but be amazed), and Oikawa, being the charmer he was around every female ever, was listening attentively and being cute at her, encouraging her and making her giggle. 

Iwaizumi, exhausted, simply laid down on the table, extending his arm and using it as a supporter to look at Oikawa while talking. It was a weird angle, but Oikawa didn’t look any less beautiful while talking. He took that moment to just look at him and he realized how much he missed him. Just being with him, taking him in, listening his laugh or rolling eyes at his antics. He had been seeing him less, of course, but even so, there wasn’t a week he didn’t spend with the omega. 

So being away from him, he hadn’t noticed how much he missed his best friend.

•••

Iwaizumi was in class when Oikawa called him and broke up with him. Iwaizumi stared at the brick wall in front of him for straight five minutes, feeling disconnected of his surroundings, before coming back to class. As soon as he entered, Sugawara (bless the omega) jumped on him and dragged him out again. 

When Iwaizumi started to cry, Sugawara didn’t ask questions, just brought him to the bathroom where he washed his face and then ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to call him down. Iwaizumi’s whole body was in shock, still trying to process what was going on, Oikawa’s last words reverberating inside of his skull. He felt his chest empting, he felt his veins made of ice, he felt his whole world crumbling down. 

When he arrived at his dorm, the first thing he saw was Oikawa. 

There was a portrait, a picture of Oikawa next to Iwaizumi doing the peace sign while smiling brightly, Iwaizumi had an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close, and both his eyes were closed as he smiled. He didn’t even remember when that picture had been taken. 

But then, the door closed (which was normal, it always happened, but Iwaizumi being as disoriented as he was, was startled anyway), and when he turned he saw Oikawa’s hoody hanging from it, and call him crazy but he swore he could smell Oikawa’s scent just from watching it. And then, Iwaizumi felt his throat closing when he realized the omega was everywhere. 

There was that book Oikawa was reading, and there were those glasses Oikawa had bought accidentally. There were those socks Oikawa borrowed when he came over, and an extra cover lying around somewhere, and those stupid sticky notes with nothing but elaborated emojis he had stuck to the wall next to Iwaizumi’s desk but he had never found the heart to throw away, there was that Rubik Cube from Oikawa’s nerd phase, which the omega had gifted to the alpha to teach him how to solve it. There were some alien stickers on the headboard, and Iwaizumi remembered exactly where Oikawa’s Seoijoh’s uniform t-shirt was neatly folded (the omega had kept Iwaizumi’s), he felt it calling to him from the drawer and then Iwaizumi couldn’t breathe. Not like he could before, but now he was actually choking on thin air and he needed to get out of there. 

So he did. 

With shaky hands he grabbed some stuff (his phone, his wallet, a sweater), he felt like inside his chest there was a time bomb tickling, tickling, tickling. It was past midday, the sun was shining, Iwaizumi could only hear muffled sounds, his blood rushing through his ears, his pulse beating on his temple. And he needed to get away, he needed to run away from everything. 

And maybe it was because of that he couldn’t breathe properly, and that he felt something really heavy weighing down his chest, and that he felt his blood turning into ice again, numbing every limb. Maybe it was because he didn’t know what to do, but he didn’t want to stay still.

Iwaizumi saw white for a second, then a dull pain came across his hip, his left side, and finally his head. There were noises, there was cold and Iwaizumi felt himself rolling until he hit something harsh. It was the ground. His whole body was shocked, he didn’t find it in himself to come back to his senses. Everything was too bright and there was an annoying noise in his left ear, and the pain, god the pain made tears prickle at his eyes. 

“Oh my god, are you okay?” the world was blurry, he could barely make sense of the words as he blinked and realized there were to small hands pulling him to a standing position. His whole body ached, “can you walk, are you hurt? Oh my god. Someone call an ambulance!”

And Iwaizumi wanted to tell the (he supposed, it was a soft and feminine voice) lady that it was okay, he didn’t need any ambulance but everything was all but spinning and he felt something crawling up his throat, he felt his heart beat hard against his chest and then he started to feel an annoying pressure at the back of his head, it was making things harder to focus. 

The lady kept asking questions, Iwaizumi understood but he couldn’t quite focus on answering her, it felt as if his body was detached from his mind and he had near to zero control over it. Overall, Iwaizumi was really calm as all of this occurred. A small part of him told him he should be worried, but Iwaizumi didn’t understand why. 

He was pulled by someone, they were asking questions, there were more lights and someone was crying, and something pinched him and someone made him lay again. There was light directly in his eyes and the headache was prickling really hard at his nerves and his tears had dried. 

Iwaizumi didn’t know what was going on when he fell asleep.

•••

“A concussion?” Oikawa looked at Iwaizumi with big eyes, his face had gone paler. Iwaizumi smiled sheepishly.

“They kept me in the hospital the whole night, performing a few exams to make sure there wasn’t any internal bleeding,” Iwaizumi shrugged, “They let me out and I came straight to my mom’s. I was limping for about a week and it left a nasty bruise, but since it was really my fault I didn’t present any charges,” 

Oikawa sighed, nodded, he nuzzled against Iwaizumi as he hummed something. Thinking about that, about how things had gone so wrong, about how he got himself a concussion and Oikawa had an abort due to stress, it all felt awfully wrong. 

There so many mistakes a person came make before making irreparable damage into their and someone’s life, as he looked down at Oikawa curled up against his chest he wondered if they both had reached already that point.

As he ran his fingers through Oikawa’s locks, he hoped they hadn’t. 

“So when you came to visit me,”

“I was still recovering from the accident, yes. I was left alone here and I just told Suga-san. He was really against it but I’m a grown ass man, aren’t I?” 

“Well, you kind of seemed out of it,” Oikawa mused softly.

“Not my brightest moments, gotta admit,” Oikawa laughed very softly. 

“I’m sorry for lying,” he said after a short silence, his voice softer than before. Shy. Iwaizumi hummed.

“Just don’t do it again,”

•••

“We’re taking things slow,” Iwaizumi said shrugging, trying to hide the anxiety in his tone. 

“You just told me he spent the night with you, though,” Sugawara snickered. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, trying to hide how flustered the commentary had made him, to no avail. Sugawara then gave him a honest, sparkling smile that had his eyes turning into crescents and Iwaizumi found himself smiling back, “Well, I’m glad the whole misunderstanding has been solved, and I’m even gladder you guys are taking things slow. Honestly I’d like for you guys to have some more time alone…” Sugawara rolled his eyes at the obvious glare Iwaizumi gave him, “but of course the lovebirds can’t wait anymore, can they. There’s something wrong with your patience, Iwaizumi-san,” Iwaizumi frowned. 

“What’s wrong it it?”

“It’s non-existent,” Sugawara smiled, he took a sip from his mug before speaking again, “what about the Tokyo thing you mentioned before?”

“Oikawa wants to leave Tokyo,” Iwaizumi explained while looking at his fingers, “He, uh, wants to come and study here instead,” 

“Well, that’s quite something,” Sugawara frowned, “If he leaves then what about getting into the Tokyo Volleyball team?” 

“Yes, I asked him about that,” Iwaizumi sighed, “he doesn’t want to,” 

Sugawara blinked, “Oikawa Tooru, Grand King of the Court, Aoba Josai’s ex-captain and ex-setter?” 

“Crazy, right?” Sugawara started laughing, he hit his let softly a couple times as his shoulders were shaking, Iwaizumi himself was smiling too.

“Well, now I’ve seen it all,” he rubbed his left eye, “you just wait until I tell Kageyama, he’s going to make one of those terrifying smiles in which it just seems like he stretches his lips over his teeth,” Sugawara tried to imitate it and Iwaizumi shook his head in disbelief, “we won’t be able to erase it for weeks,” 

“Kageyama is a good kid,” 

“So are you,” Sugawara nodded, “And so is Oikawa,” Sugawara stared at his almost empty mug and then downed the contents in one go, “Well, keep me posted. I wish Oikawa only the best, and whatever that makes him happy too,” he tilted his head with a soft smile, “I’m sure you don’t need to hear this but, take care of him okay? Not as him alpha but as his boyfriend and childhood friend too,” Sugawara let out a sigh as he stood up, “And take care of yourself, too. You’ve already got a concussion and that’s a concussion too many,” Iwaizumi frowned.

“You’re leaving already?” 

“Yes, just passed by to say hi and make sure you didn’t tear Oikawa’s throat apart with your inner wolf,” 

“I wouldn’t—,”

“I’m teasing,” Sugawara stuck out his tongue, “Ah, my obtuse Iwaizumi-kun, I’m glad to see you’re finally feeling better,” 

“Hey, Suga?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you,” Sugawara smiled softly and as he passed next to him, he ran his finger though Iwaizumi’s hair.

“What for, _baka?_ ”

•••

Oikawa was soft, this is the first word that comes to Iwaizumi’s mind every time he thinks of Oikawa now. As the omega embraced Semi while whispering something into his ear, Iwaizumi could see the softness irradiating from him. He took a deep breath as Semi detached himself from Oikawa and turned to look at him. He waved a hand with a half-smile that seemed so honest Iwaizumi smiled back. 

Oikawa turned around and smiled shyly as he walked closer, “So,” Oikawa said, Iwaizumi groaned.

“No, not the “so…” moment,” Oikawa frowned, still smiling

“That Awkward Moment is such a bad movie, why the hell are you making references about it?” 

“I’ll remind you we watched it because of you and your undying crush with Zack Efron,”

“Iwa-chan, everyone has an undying crush with Zack Efron,”

“I don’t—,”

“That’s because you’re not everyone,” Oikawa crossed his arms over his chest, “You’re Iwa-chan,” 

Iwaizumi smiled softly, “As long as it is enough,” 

And Iwaizumi saw it, the way Oikawa’s eyes light up like a Christmas tree, the way the corners of his mouth twitched ever so slightly, the way his skin started to glow ever softer. And even if Oikawa rolled his eyes and pretended to cringe to Iwaizumi’s greasiness, Iwaizumi knew better. 

So he reached out and held him close even if it was hot because summer was just around the corner, he rested his head against Oikawa’s shoulder (freaking five centimeters, man) and took a deep breath not even trying to hide the smile that was forming on his lips. Oikawa’s hands hugged him back, pulling them impossibly closer and Iwaizumi could felt Oikawa’s heartbeat against his chest, just a little rushed, just a little nervous. And it felt good, in that moment it felt good, he felt every cell of his body being pulled towards this person and holding him close like this made his chest swell with tenderness and warmth.

Iwaizumi was right, any distance between them felt incredibly wrong. Maybe it was something beyond feelings, something beyond biology and gender. He chuckled a little as an idea came to his mind.

“What?” Oikawa asked softly. 

“Nothing, I just had this silly idea…” Oikawa pulled back a little to look at him with a soft smile (soft soft soft) and furrowed brows.

“Well, tell me?”

“You’ll laugh at me,” Oikawa smiled wider.

“Try me,” Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and he looked up, unable to look Oikawa in the eye as he spoke.

“I just thought maybe, just maybe, we’re soulmates,” when Oikawa didn’t coo at him, he kept talking, “You know like, like our souls are attached or something,” Iwaizumi waited for Oikawa to laugh at him, but what came instead was a soft peck against his right check that had him blushing, the feeling of Oikawa’s butterfly touch still lingering even as he looked at Iwaizumi with New Year Eve eyes. 

“Yes, Iwa-chan, we’re soulmates,” 

Oikawa pulled back, and with a radiating smile he took Iwaizumi’s hand into his, interlacing fingers as he pulled him softly. Iwaizumi, a little surprised and dazed out from Oikwa’s behavior, followed suit as they walked.

“Where are we going?”

“Hmmm,” Oikawa hummed, “We’re going to be happy,” Iwaizumi snorted.

“Jesus, that was so greasy,”

“Like you’re one to talk!”

“We’ve dated for so long, how come I didn’t know this side of you,” 

“Oh my god, Iwa-chan will you let me live?”

“Over my dead body,”

“Why do I put up with you?”

“You? If anything the one putting up with someone is me,”

“Rude, Iwa-chan,” Oikawa said as he squeezed gently Iwaizumi’s hand. Iwaizumi had a huge smile on his lips.

“Shut up, _Bakakawa_ ,”

And, god, did it feel right. Walking down the streets, the sun painting the sky a shy shade of orange, the people’s noise, Oikawa’s hands in his. It felt so, so right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry there are so many cuts, btw. Except for Iwaizumi's story -telling, it all occurs in the span of three days, which means Semi stayed with the Oikawas and they fixed it. Also, Suga stop doing Kageyama dirty. Also, love Suga, really. Also, love Iwaizumi because he's everything okay? Okay? Also I apologize for that Zac Efron thing, I'm sleep deprived go easy on me. I'm sorry for not replying comments just yet, I will as soon as i wake up (its 6am here i havent slept at all so that might be a few hours) Again, thanks for reading this!!!! I love you all.


	14. Take a hold of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tangled mess of limbs and the tick tack of some clock somewhere, plus the light bleeding through the shades and the sheets caressing their skin. Iwaizumi was holding Oikawa really really close, so close he could taste him and breathe him in, and that’s how it was supposed to be. For soulmates shouldn’t be apart.

i.

“I wanted to make sure you know,” Oikawa looked him up, frowning, “I'm not doing this for you,” 

Iwaizumi let down again the box he just picked from the counter and blinked at Oikawa, not understanding where all of this was coming from. 

“Going back to Miyagi,” 

“Ah,”

“It's not for you,” he started again, “Back when I was offered to study here I didn't want to either. I think, when we finished High School we just assumed we would go different ways, that we'd be rivals in the court and so on, and that was okay because that was what we wanted back then,” he took a deep breath and looked up, at the ceiling, “But when school started and I was so far away I realized— I realized it was not what I really wanted. But if I were to tell you “Iwa-chan, I hate school because I'm not with you” I knew I'd be putting a lot of pressure on you, that you'd feel responsible for my feelings,” Iwaizumi listened intently, deep down he knew Oikawa was right, “So,” the Omega proceeded, “so I didn't. Because I knew you'd feel bad about dragging me down and such even if you weren't. I endured school and went through practice and I argued with Ushiwaka-kun and made friends with Eita, and tried to fit because I thought that it would make you feel at ease, knowing that things were good for me even if you weren't with me all the time,” Oikawa smiled but there wasn't any warmth to it, “How foolish, thinking about you before thinking about me. So when I decided to make things right, broke things off with Ushiwaka-kun, came back to Miyagi, then I also thought what I wanted for me... If Tokyo was it, if being in the National team was it and I realized that it wasn't. So now that I was thinking about my feelings first, I knew that the right thing to do was going back home,” Iwaizumi couldn't help the fondness he felt spreading through him. The omega smiled at him softly, Iwaizumi could smell the faint and shy scent he was sending off and his heart skipped a beat; he smiled back, “Home is where the heart is, right?”

Iwaizumi chuckled. He walked and hugged Oikawa tightly, nuzzling his chest and closing his eyes at the warmth. They stayed still for a little while, Iwaizumi breathing softly while his heart felt like running a marathon and fuck, he could feel the love buzzing through his veins, dying to make Oikawa feel loved and protected. 

“Tooru, I'll support you no matter what,” he said against his neck, “If you want to be a housewife and have a whole volleyball team, I'm going to be okay with that so you know,”

“Hey, why would I be the housewife?” Iwaizumi pulled back a little and looked up at Oikawa, smiling. 

“Would you rather have me being the housewife?”

“Is this your subtle way to ask me to marry you?” 

“I mean,” Iwaizumi pulled away completely, “is that a yes?”

“ _Baka,_ ” Oikawa slapped him in the shoulder playfully. His gaze lingered longer on Iwaizumi’s, eyes shining with something that made Iwaizumi’s insides feel made of mush. Oikawa pushed him gently again, “C’mon, don’t get lazy, help me get this boxes,”

“So you’re the one who stops me from work and I’m the one being scolded? Is that how it is?” Oikawa stuck out his tongue, Iwaizumi scoffed and wrapped his fingers around the box again. He wouldn’t have been able to hide the smile that crept to his lips even if he wanted to. 

When Iwaizumi reached the door of Oikawa’s apartment, Semi and Tendou were just coming through it, chatting quietly (more like Semi was saying something and Tendou was listening attentively as his omega made soft gestures with his hands). Semi looked up at him as he stopped talking, phrase hanging midair, and then looked at his hands.

“Oh, wait, lemme get this—,”

“No, it’s okay I can—,”

“Don’t be silly, Iwaizumi-san,” stated Semi with a soft but firm tone as his hands wrapped around the top of the box, “I’ll take care of it,” and there was something about Semi’s dark eyes that made the alpha give in— he recognized that look, had seen it a few times in Sugawara’s stubborn gaze, a few times put in Oikawa’s determined stare as he came with an strategy for a match. He shrugged it off nodded.

“Okay, so as I was saying—,” he heard the omega go on as he turned around, Tendou following suit without as much as sparing another glance at Iwaizumi. 

It was weird. These were Oikawa’s friends, people Iwaizumi couldn’t help but feel awkward around, yet there was an unspoken agreement between them: Oikawa. They’d try for Oikawa, they’d be there for Oikawa. Iwaizumi had been there most of his life, Semi and Tendou had been there the past year (and during such turbulent events). Iwaizumi was glad there had been someone else for Oikawa; that’s all he had wanted, really. For the omega to not be alone— never be alone. Because Oikawa wasn’t good on his own.

At least, not yet.

He was getting there.

Iwaizumi sighed.

He came back to the apartment and found said omega writing something over a few boxes, hurriedly but carefully at the same time and it came to him the sudden realization that those two words described Oikawa pretty well.

Freedom and harmony, Oikawa was finding them on his own, merging with his own skin and changing the way he saw things and understood the world. This wasn’t the same brat that wanted to take revenge on a volleyball team nor wasn’t the same person who moved to Tokyo. It took Iwaizumi’s breath away, to realize Oikawa had changed so much yet he was still helplessly in love with him.

Not that he would ever admit it. You can’t prove anything.

But yes.

The alpha took a deep breath and walked into the room, getting Oikawa’s attention. The omega was holding the marker in his mouth as he typed something in his phone; his fluffy hair was falling on his eyes and there were a few rebellious strands sticking out in different directions. His chocolate eyes looked at him wide, shiny. He was adorable, Iwaizumi shook his head.

“What else is ready to go, princess?” Oikawa squeaked.

“You are the princess, _princess_ ,” Iwaizumi chuckled.

Well, maybe he hadn’t changed that much—

ii.

“What do you mean you didn’t do the analysis,” Sugawara asked, quirking a brow while sucking at the strand sticking out of his soda, “Do you want to die?”

“Actually, now that you mention it—,”

“Hush, I don’t wanna hear it,” he flickered his wrist to make his point across, “Just because your boyfriend is back into the town it doesn’t mean you can slack around,”

“I wasn’t slacking around, I was—,”

“I told you I didn’t want to hear it,” Sugawara cut him off. Iwaizumi sighed, rolling his eyes, “Rude,”

“It’s due midnight—,”

“You’re missing the point, Iwaizumi,”

“Do you even have a point, Suga?” Iwaizumi all but whined, “I honestly think you only ever nag me around for the sake of it,”

“First off, who are you—,” Iwaizumi tuned him out and went back to the text book that was lying over the desk. It was funny how Sugawara’s scolding was, at the moment, the main thing that was holding him from finishing his oh so important homework. He distinguished a bunch of words along the lines of “care, responsibility, healthy,” he didn’t mind them as he kept going through the lines without actually reading them.

It was getting colder, the leaves were turning bright and the cherry blossoms were, well, blossoming; they were currently during full moon so when Oikawa dragged him to the park at two in the morning, everything was bathed in the dim light that swept through the buildings, the threes, the clouds. Iwaizumi let him, because it made Oikawa at ease and there was nothing more the alpha wanted but Oikawa being at ease.

The omega made him sit down as he told him a bunch of facts about Sakuras and, well, probably Iwaizumi could’ve made it to the day of his death without knowing that there were about six hundred different species in Japan, but who was he to deny everything to his omega while being drunk in sleep.

He remembered, either way, the way the light curled around Oikawa’s features and shone in his eyes, and wondered when did he start to notice that kind of stuff or if it was there to begin with. Yes, probably.

Now, Iwaizumi had meant to wake up early to finish Sakamoto sensei’s homework but of course he had been allowed to go back home around five in the morning (his mother gave him a very pointed look and sniffed him off, then scrunched his nose because “why do you reek of cherry blossoms? Go take a shower, god,”), (his mother couldn’t stand cherry blossoms for dear life and Iwaizumi would joke about how she had failed their nation). He fell asleep at six am and woke up a little past midday, with just enough time to get ready and have lunch before noon classes started.

He smiled fondly at the memory and was ripped apart from his headspace with something hitting the top of his head. Hard. He groaned and saw white for a few seconds.

“Iwaizumi Hajime, I swear to god—,” Iwaizumi rubbed his head as he pouted unconsciously. Sugawara sighed and tilted his head, resting his cheek against the back of his hand, “ah, there you go. You’re acting like him again,” Iwaizumi frowned.

“Uhm, what?”

“You’re acting like Oikawa-san,”

“Are not,”

“Are too,”

“Are not,”

“Just replying to me like that is proof enough,” Sugawara said through triumphant eyes, sticking out his tongue, “Are too,” Iwaizumi just sighed because, it was true wasn’t it? “Why didn’t you do your homework either way?”

“Long story,”

“Well, I’ve got nothing better to do,”

“Sadly, for you, I’ve got homework—,”

“Which you wouldn’t have if you had done it this morning like a good student, but no,” Iwaizumi closed the book. He looked at Sugawara with the most unamused stare he could manage and the omega, proud omega, held his gaze with innocent eyes as if he hadn’t been bothering the alpha the past few hours.

“There’s nothing wrong,” he said honestly. For a moment, his words hung heavily between them, but it was just about half a second, and then Sugawara’s smile spread wide on his face, shining; he believed him. But most importantly, Iwaizumi believed himself.

iii.

Iwaizumi had forgotten how stressed his mother got when she got pregnant. Not like you could blame him, no, it had been years since the last time she had been pregnant (and Iwaizumi honest to god thought she’d never get pregnant again— but that’s life for you). It was amusing, though, because there was something his intendment wasn’t enough to comprehend when it came down to her; he had been spending a few nights thinking it over but still hadn’t managed to come up with an answer— after all, there are things in life that weren’t meant to be understood and Iwaizumi was not the guy who was going to start question those himself. He didn’t have the patience, the motivation and right now, didn’t have the time.

Getting to the point, it was the way she blended in everyone’s lives the thing he couldn’t quite get. Kind of felt jealous of it, but there was something about her mother that made her existence something the world was comfortable with. It didn’t felt like she was put in there by mere whim but that she was carefully planned, crafted, and placed.

So even under stress, with a huge belly, a seven years older crying because she _wanted that doll_ and _no, I just bought you a doll last week,_ she managed to merge perfectly in the environment.

(He mentioned this to Oikawa once during one of their morning walks and the omega had cooed at him but didn’t make fun of what he said, instead he grew comfortably quiet and only after a few minutes of what might’ve been overthinking, he said to Iwaizumi: “I think that happens when you find your purpose,” Iwaizumi wanted to ask _which_ purpose but he didn’t, simply hummed and kept jogging)

So when Iwaizumi’s dad took a crying Haruko away, he caught up with her and gently placed his hands on the shopping cart; her mother withdrew hers and gave him a soft smile without complaint, she then turned around and stopped to eye some clothing items.

“Mom, can I as you something?”

“Anything, dear,”

“Have you found your purpose?” her mother froze for a second and when she turned to look at him, she was looking at him really amused; her hand still holding a small (way, way too small) t-shirt and the other gently placed in her stomach (Iwaizumi had noticed she’d do this without realizing it). She looked at him for a few seconds and then smiled, again, oh so gently.

“Yes, Hajime,” she nodded, the strands of his hair loosely tied in a bow bouncing so slightly, “I kind of did,”

And there was something about her voice when she said those words, or the intimacy in her eyes or the way the air around him changed (it turned soft, and warm, and it settled comfortably in his lungs, filling his ribcage) that wiped away the which question.

It gave him the impression his mother wouldn’t share it, but more than that, he kind of didn’t want to know either. So he smiled softly and nodded.

“That’s good, mom,”

And yes, there were things that weren’t meant to be understood, but to be felt and to live. And that he could understand.

iv.

(“Why did you ask me that, Hajime?” his mother’s voice was soft, drunk in sleep.

“I wanted to know what is it that I’m looking for,” she hummed, Hajime ran his fingers through Haruko’s hair.

“So you’re looking for your purpose?”

“Aren’t we all?” he said and smiled at her)

v.

Iwaizumi was going through his notes when Oikawa barged into his dorm, the alpha directed him a glance and a small smile before going back to his notebook because he couldn’t give himself the privilege of slacking off (there was a partnered assignment and Sugawara swore he’d hang him upside down if he didn’t do his part on time— don’t mind the omega’s height, he was sure Sugawara would find a way).  
Oikawa sat behind him and leaned against his back, Iwaizumi could feel his warmth spreading through his skin and his heart speed in his chest. Other than greeting each other, they stayed quiet, simply drinking in each other’s company.

Iwaizumi heard his soft breathing and had to remind himself to keep on reading and making notes because if he didn’t want to find out what’d happen if he didn’t email this to Sugawara today (even if it wasn’t due until three days later). He could also hear some commotion somewhere, he could hear cars and laughs, fainted and almost not there but still there. He heard Oikawa sigh and pass the pages of his book. 

“I can hear your thoughts from here, _Bakakawa_ ,” he said without really any venom to it. Yet, he realized since the moment Oikawa got into the room his skin prickled with the feeling of uneasiness the omega was so discretely emitting.

And Oikawa didn’t even try to deny it; Iwaizumi felt the way he put the book down, and then he heard him.

“How would we name our child?”

“Oikawa—,” Iwaizumi started, with a little warning to his voice, but then Oikawa turned around and came into his field of vision.

“No, I mean it,” he said, softly, “This has got nothing to do with my miscarriage, even though I’m not going to lie to you, it still gets to me, it’s just—,” Oikawa sighed. Iwaizumi turned around so he could fully look at the omega, because he felt like this was something he was trying to explain to him, that probably he had thought it through and it was important. Homework could wait a little, “I don’t know, we don’t ever talk about that, you know? And, yes it was an accident which went berserk and drew us apart, but that’s exactly what I don’t want!”

“So, you want to talk about children?”

“Yes, I’d— yes,” Oikawa’s cheeks tinted slightly red and he darted his gaze. Iwaizumi’s chest filled with warmth and his fingertips ached to hold Oikawa close, so he did. He reached Oikawa’s hand and pulled him closer, the omega was pliant and straddled Iwaizumi’s lap, still shy, still unsure, not meeting Iwaizumi’s eyes.

Iwaizumi settled them comfortably, he locked his hands at the small of his back and looked up to meet Oikawa’s features, the light kissing his skin just right, and hair falling on his fringe. He was breathtaking, always had been. Couldn’t help to nuzzle his face, fondly, as his heart was beating erratically on his chest and his lungs filled with his scent. He settled in his neck, lips ghosting Oikawa’s skin and a faint memory of something he had to do came over him. But it’d have to wait. 

Content with their closeness, he spoke, “Well, how would you like to name our child?”

“If it’s a girl, I like Riko. If it’s a boy, I like Matsuyo,”

“Hmmm,” Iwaizumi said, smiling, “Iwaizumi Riko, that one’s cute,” he pulled back and looked up, “I like Iwaizumi Yuto better, though,”

“Matsuyo is way prettier!”

“I don’t know, I feel like it’s lacking,” 

“Lacking what, exactly?”

“I can’t quite explain it,” he shrugged, still smiling, “Just lacking,”

“Urgh,” Oikawa cupped Iwaizumi’s face, smiling too, “I will fight you, Iwa-chan,”

“Just think of it!” he felt some sort of weird giggle bubbling in his stomach, “Yuto-kun sounds so pretty!”

“Matsuyo-kun!”

“Fine!” Iwaizumi said, not giggling, you can’t prove anything, “Let’s have two boys, Yuto-kun and Matsuyo-kun,”

At this, Oikawa’s eyes widened and his smile faltered a little, but his grip didn’t loosen. His stare turned a little more serious, determined, and Iwaizumi saw the words swimming in his lips, trying to gasp the courage to come out, so he waited. He would wait whatever it’d take for the heart beating so fast next to his, against his chest. He wouldn’t even mind, he’d do it willingly.

“Do you mean that?” Oikawa’s voice was really soft, almost fragile but quite not, “You want to have more than one child with me?”

And Iwaizumi thought of it; he somehow felt like it was obvious but since Oikawa was asking, it obviously wasn’t. He then pulled a little back and looked closely his face, every part of his. His brows that were knitting together, his button nose, his chocolate eyes, his cheeks, and the lower lip he had sucked in nervously while waiting for an answer. Adoration wasn’t strong enough to describe what was filling Iwaizumi’s ribcage.

“Yes, Tooru,” he almost whispered, because the world had grown quiet and the idea of disrupting such calm felt wrong, “anything with you,”

Oikawa probably would’ve mocked him for being so cheesy but he didn’t, he just swallowed and looked directly into Iwaizumi’s eyes, looking for something. Then he nodded several times and held Iwaizumi’s gaze for a little while, then his eyes roamed through his features and as he leaned in the air turned dense.

“Can I kiss you?”

 _Yes, Tooru._

This time Iwaizumi couldn’t answer, feeling his heart on his mouth and suddenly hyperaware of every place their bodies were connected. Suddenly feeling out of breath, suddenly feeling light, light, light. And there was the pull.

_Anything with you._

When Iwaizumi mentioned to Sugawara he felt like Oikawa and him weren’t a normal couple, the omega reprimanded him and told him there wasn’t such a thing as a normal couple. There was just love, and adversities, and ups and downs, and that was okay.

When Oikawa leaned down to meet Iwaizumi’s lips with his own, that was okay. The way Iwaizumi felt like all the air was punched out of his lungs; that was okay. The way Oikawa sighed against his mouth, like it was something he had been waiting for so long; that was okay. And then there was the pull, and that was okay too. And as Iwaizumi licked sheepishly into Oikawa’s mouth, the omega pliant, he understood a few things about his boyfriend.

There were things he wasn’t meant to understand, but one thing he did understand: the way his body pressed flush against Oikawa Tooru’s, the way his kisses sent him to the clouds and he tasted like something atomic he wouldn’t be able to ever describe with words, something made of outer space; all of that, might or might not have been meant to be. It felt right, regardless, and that was okay.

vi.

(“Tooru?” He called him as he raked a hand through his fingers; he felt high on excitement and feelings, and decided to use the last bit of courage before it ran out.

“Hm?”

“Next month, when you’re on your heat and I’m on my rut,” he said slowly, carefully, pronouncing every word to make sure it was heard and it hadn’t to be repeated twice, “I want us to mate,”

When those words abandoned his mouth, he felt like he hadn’t really said them, and for a fraction of a second he felt the weight of everything that it implied; he was literally asking Oikawa to be his life companion since omegas can only mate once; it was the same as asking him to marry him, to move in with him, to have children with him. He was asking him to spend the rest of their lives together even if they ended up hating each other (like Oikawa’s parents) and for a second it scared him that, maybe, Oikawa didn’t understood that.

“Are you sure?” but his voice was soft and calm, not scared or shy, and Iwaizumi felt relief because he knew that Oikawa understood.

_Yes, Tooru._

“Never been more sure of anything in my life,”

_Anything with you._

“Okay then,” came quietly, “I’d like that,” Iwaizumi let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding, “I’d really, really like that,”)

vii.

Iwaizumi was sitting next to his mother when he saw them getting through the door; Oikawa and Iomi. Even if he really didn’t see Iomi, he supposed that she was the small thing enveloped in yellow blankets that Oikawa held with such care. It took his breath away, to see the way Oikawa was looking at her younger sister, the fondness dancing in his eyes and something shinny he couldn’t understand. Oikawa said hi and smiled at Iwaizumi’s mother, muttering a quiet congratulations, then he looked down at Iomi.

Oikawa’s existence molded perfectly around Iomi’s, almost as if enveloping her, and Iwaizumi got the warm feeling his lungs once again as he watched quietly the way that Oikawa so carefully walked around while holding the baby. It made his heart fill with something akin to pride and want. Oikawa merged perfectly with the environment, and he felt like Oikawa wasn’t put in there by mere whim but that he was carefully planned, crafted, and placed.

“Hajime,” his mother placed the hand where the catheter was inserted on top of him and he turned to look at her, she was a little pale, obviously exhausted as her eyes couldn’t keep themselves open, but she was glowing, probably high on analgesics, but glowing nonetheless, “Hajime, dear,”

“Uhm?”

“Did you find it?” Iwaizumi smiled. He looked at Oikawa, whom afar was talking to her little sister, smiling at her and swooning her around, then he looked back at his mother.

“Yes, mom,” he said honestly, “I kind of did” For a moment, his words hung heavily between them, but it was just about half a second, and then his mother’s smile spread wide on her face, shining; she believed him. But most importantly, Iwaizumi believed himself.

viii.

(“Iomi really likes you,” commented Sugawara as he watched how Iwaizumi feed his little sister, “It’s like she knows you’re her strong alpha brother that will make the world safe and sound for her,” Iwaizumi scoffed.

“Don’t say none-sense, how do you know she’s not going to be an alpha?”

“I don’t,” he shrugged, “Does it matter, though?” Iwaizumi looked down at the babies features, eyes peacefully closed and face still swollen, with short pitch black hair sticking out in every direction and puffy cheeks tinted pink.

“No,” he mused, “I’ll make the world safe and sound for her either way,”

“Well, she might be a life-long younger, but she fits in your arms like she was made for you to hold her,” Sugawara said softly, “There’s nothing you should worry about,”

“Yeah,” he said mindlessly. Because he was right, Iomi fit perfectly in his arms, she also fit in his life in general. And this time, it was because Iwaizumi was placed right there, next to her, to hold her. That was planned, and carefully crafted. And Iwaizumi knew it, he also fit in his life in general)

ix.

“There’s somewhere I’d like to go,” said Oikawa without looking away from his computer, “I want you to come with me,”

“Uhm, sure,” Iwaizumi said while going through his phone, “Where is it?”

“Bolivia,” Iwaizumi jerked his head towards Oikawa and frowned.

“Come again?” Oikawa sighed.

“I want us to meet El Salar de Uyuni, that’s a salt dessert on Bolivia,” Iwaizumi blinked once, twice, and then Oikawa looked at him. And there was something about the way he seemed so sure, so confident, that was emanating from him and was directed towards Iwaizumi. Oikawa wanted this, and he made sure Iwaizumi knew he wanted this. The alpha smiled.

“Do you know speak Spanish?”

“We’ll manage,” he said, looking back at the screen, “Someone must know how to speak English?” Iwaizumi made his way behind Oikawa and settled behind him, holding him by the waist and nuzzling his neck to pry at the screen— Oikawa was checking tickets.

“And you know English?”

“We’ll manage,” Iwaizumi couldn’t help but smile against Oikawa’s skin. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes, and placed a small kiss on the back of his neck, right on the scar of the mark he had placed on him. Oikawa visibly shivered and Iwaizumi held him tighter, feeling nothing but fondness filling his veins.

“Seems like you’ve got it all planned,” he mocked slightly, and laughed a little when Oikawa tsked and tried to shove him away without putting any efforts to it.

“Let’s do it this summer,”

_Yes, Tooru._

“Okay,” he kissed again the same spot, “I’m down,”

_Anything with you._

x.

When Iwaizumi opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Oikawa looking at him with sleepy eyes. The omega smiled, his eyes turning into slits and he fought the grogginess to take a grasp of what was happening. He pulled Oikawa closer, humming, and nuzzled his shoulder. Oikawa came to caress Iwaizumi’s hair.

“G’morning,” he muttered softly.

“Morning,” said Iwaizumi with his gruff, sleepy voice.

“I love you,” Iwaizumi smiled sleepily and cleared his throat.

“I love you,” and the _too_ wasn’t necessary because it wasn’t a response but a declaration.

The tangled mess of limbs and the tick tack of some clock somewhere, plus the light bleeding through the shades and the sheets caressing their skin. Iwaizumi was holding Oikawa really really close, so close he could taste him and breathe him in, and that’s how it was supposed to be. For soulmates shouldn’t be apart.

(Because even if two entwined particles were to be pulled apart, and you move both parts away from the other, even at opposite ends of the universe, if you alter or affect one, the other will be identically affected)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so. Huh. Four months.  
> I'm, er, really sorry. Same old, guys, school and depression and lack of motivation, but its here.  
> This chapter is the sum of every conclusion in this fic, so it's a little different (it's also a little bit over 4,7k lol) and this is the last chapter. Chapter 15 is more like an small (small, i mean it) epilogue. So, yeah. This is it. I hope you guys liked it, really, again sorry for being such a bad author, life happens and well. Yeah. I loved writing this, and every moment with this fanfic and everything in general, thank you so much for the coments and all, i really appreciate y'all. really really really.  
> It's been a hell of a ride, i feel bad for not featuring Semi more on this but I don't feel like he quite fits (and it pains me, my baby, argh) but this is it!! The end, finally. God, sorry to keep you guys waiting for so long. i'll see you on the epilogue, which hopefully will finish soon. Love y'all!  
> (also, school is over and I managed to survive)


	15. The hurt is gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time was a weird concept, it had been two years and a little more since Oikawa had broken up with him, yet it felt like it had been ages ago— sometimes it felt like it never even happened at all. It was just… gone. The hurt was gone, the fear and the anguish. Iwaizumi could remember the sadness, the stress, the feeling of being lost and being too tired to, well, human, but it all felt so external, like something that had happened to someone else and he had only gotten the second-hand experience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (the hurt is gone by yellow card)

Iwaizumi was sprawled on top of Oikawa, between his legs, and he was trying really hard to not fall asleep as Oikawa asked him to but that was harder said than done. He had to take care of Iomi while his mother took Haruko to an appointment with the doctor, and the littlest creature had actually exhausted him, crying non-stop and literally screaming for attention. Iomi was going to be a hard one, he could tell.

“You better not be falling asleep on me, Iwa-chan,”

“M’trying not to,”

“Try harder,” Iwaizumi grumbled something and nuzzled Oikawa’s torso, meanwhile Oikawa himself was reading something, sometimes even muttering some words to himself, and his free hand was softly running through Iwaizumi’s hair. Iwaizumi was all but purring, feeling the tiredness sweeping him up and enveloping him in a small bubble; if Oikawa wanted him to stay awake and help him study, he’d have to, indeed, try harder.

Ah, but right there, holding Oikawa, feeling him so close, he felt so safe; he couldn’t really help it, all his guards were down and his energy was getting drained from himself. He was going to, most definitely, going to fall asleep any second. Still, he tried to pull his eyes open for the sake of making Oikawa happy.

The omega was in the middle of mumbling something, Iwaizumi was breathing his calming scent, when a small knock jolted him (a little) awake. He peeped one eye open and saw Oikawa’s mother barging into the room.

“Hey, Tooru, they just dropped a package for you,”

“Thanks mom,” Iwaizumi closed his eyes again; this time it was really hard to open them up, and he figured just a few seconds wouldn’t hurt, but then Oikawa was calling him, “Iwa-chan, they sent the photos!”

This managed to wake him up a little more.

“Hmm?” then there were hands pulling him up and he frowned.

“C’mon, watch them with me!” when he was in a standing position, he rubbed his eyes and looked around— Oikawa had put his book aside and the envelope was half open, in his hands as he carefully peeked inside. Iwaizumi sighed and Oikawa opened it completely. Even from where he was, and half asleep, he could smell the recently impressed ink and the photographic paper.

Inside, there was a smaller envelope, white, and Oikawa put the bigger one aside, then proceeded to open this one too, which wasn’t really hard since it wasn’t closed; he pulled out a stack of pictures and handed half of them to Iwaizumi without looking at them.

When Iwaizumi took the pictures from him, they were a little sticky and really shiny, but that was left aside when he focused in the picture and he was really awake now.

The most he could see was blue, and Oikawa was standing there, smiling at the ground, not even looking at the camera as he (apparently) listened to Kuroo, who barely appeared in the future (you could see his messy black hair, either way). The sun was coming directly on his face (the memories were really blurry, but it had been a little bit over 2pm right?— Iwaizumi still got headaches from just thinking on the awful, awful jet lag). He passed the picture and in this one, it was both Kuroo and Oikawa smiling at the camera, so so wide, eyes turned into slits, wrinkles appearing around their eyes. 

“Wah, they came out really good,”

“Yeah,”

Time was a funny concept, it was something Iwaizumi still couldn’t understand. They had gone to Bolivia with Kuroo and Semi, they had spent about a week down there in Latin America, getting to know different places of Bolivia and going to the Salar. They had taken a dozen pictures, eaten different food, they got sweaty all over because _summer_ , and when they came back to Japan (god, the headaches), it felt like time had stopped here.

That had been almost two months ago but Iwaizumi could remember the excitement and nervousness of leaving the country, to a place they didn’t even know. It had kept him awake all night, and he had regretted in the plane because those things are uncomfortable as hell, not to mention how long it was and his bones felt all tired just from thinking of it again.

It had been one of those memories though, one of those memories you barely remember because you were too busy living it to take in every aspect of it (that’s what photos were for, either way), and when he came back home, he felt so light, almost high on something he didn’t understand. Not like he didn’t like it. It had been one of those memories that change your life and you hold dearly to you and never, never want to let go of. It made his chest warm.

When he finished his stack of pictures, he handed them to Oikawa and waited for the other half. He noticed how quiet they both were, and something told him Oikawa was having the same thoughts as him. He didn’t dare to break the silence, simply took the pictures Oikawa once again handed him and eyed them carefully. The first one was a close-up of them smiling at the camera, Iwaizumi remembered how Oikawa hung an arm around his shoulders and simply aimed the camera at them. Iwaizumi told them that’s what smartphones had frontal camera for but the omega dismissed it, smiling so wide as he looked at the picture on the camera screen.

Looking at in his hands, it wasn’t the best picture. It was a little blurry, the lightning was a little off; Iwaizumi looked pale, dark circles visibly and his skin seemed a little oily; Oikawa wasn’t any better, still there was something to it, something special, that made it look like the best picture ever. Iwaizumi didn’t notice he was smiling down at it until Oikawa mentioned it. 

Time was a weird concept, it had been two years and a little more since Oikawa had broken up with him, yet it felt like it had been ages ago— sometimes it felt like it never even happened at all. It was just… gone. The hurt was gone, the fear and the anguish. Iwaizumi could remember the sadness, the stress, the feeling of being lost and being too tired to, well, human, but it all felt so external, like something that had happened to someone else and he had only gotten the second-hand experience.

It had happened, either way, and sometimes Oikawa would leave his bed during the night, and Iwaizumi would find him sitting in the kitchen counter, headphones in, eyes closed; some nights he’d wake up to find him shaking at the end of the bed. He never asked, not because he didn’t want to know but because he understood even if he didn’t know. And that was the thing about love, how wordless it could be for them, how sometimes they wouldn’t even have to mutter their feelings at all. Iwaizumi held him tight and hushed him into sleep, while he felt their lives merging with one another, coexisting peacefully.

He looked up at Oikawa when he went through the last photo and his breath got caught in his throat at the way the atmosphere turned between them. It was so… mellow, there was no other way to describe it. Like their own existences were hyperaware of the other, like the whole universe had stopped for just a second and spotted the pair sharing such and intimate moment, they couldn’t help but coo, and their warm breath had reached them.

Iwaizumi smiled softly and handed the pictures to Oikawa.

“It was a good idea printing them, after all,”

“Of course it is, I only ever have good ideas,”

“Questionable,” Oikawa smiled as his response, shrugging one shoulder, obviously too lazy and tired to do the real thing. Then he leaned against the headboard again and spread his arms open; an invitation. Iwaizumi didn’t think twice before crawling back to his previous position, humming contently when he found himself comfy, “I never got to ask,” he said against Oikawa’s stomach, “Why that place?”

“I saw it in a dream once,” he raked his fingers through Iwaizumi’s hair again, “I guess I wanted to see the real thing. It’s more… self-indulgent than anything, it thought «maybe if I do this, I can put an end to this cycle, finish it, let it go», and well, I thought I wanted you there with me,”

“Did it work?”

“I mean,” he said, softly, “yes, but honestly? I think the cycle had ended way before,”

“Well, better be safe than sorry,”

“Yeah,” Oikawa breathed out. Iwaizumi felt it back, the tiredness taking over his limbs and making it to keep his eyes open really hard, “We have to get a nice photo album to put them on,” muttered the omega.

“Yeah, let’s do that,”

“Later, though,” Iwaizumi hummed in agreement, feeling his consciousness leaving him, “We’ve still got time.”

All the time of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And, roll credits.
> 
> I finished this sooner than i thought i would ha! but in all honestly lately i'm super gay and i get all the feelings and, yay!!!! well, yeah, there's that. iwaizumi married oikawa, they had three children— two girls (both alphas) and a boy (a beta) (the boy got to be called matsuyo because iwaizumi can't ever say no to oikawa) and they lived happily, teaching their kids how to volleyball and bickering constantly like the married couple they were since the beggining. Haruko presented as an omega, Iomi presented as a beta (and iwaizumi would never admit it but haruko was his favorite sister). the end.
> 
> Thank you for reading guys, i hope you liked the way things ended and it didn't feel rushed, i'd like to point out this fic almost has a year (almost, almost) and again, it's been one hell of a ride. Thank you, again. Sadly i don't think i'll ever write for the haikyuu fandom again, but maybe there's something i can chug out to celebrate one year of this one big big big mess. Again, thank you for sticking with me, and yeah. I love you all!! So much!! I'm not crying i swear im not.
> 
> I wish y'all a merry christmas, a happy new year and guys, remember it all will get better. if you ever feel like struggling with who you are and who you are supposed to be, the only heart you should put at ease is yours. friendly reminder to nOT ignore your feelings, ever, and always listen to others feelings and and learn to let go, angels, holding grudges aint good for y'all, anddddd im done nagging xd sorry i turn into a hen mom.
> 
> ahhhh, okay, without nothing more to day, good bye guys and, thank you, again.
> 
> (the song of the whole fanfic is the hurt is gone by yellow card)


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